I'm scary....boo

Yesterday I was in a weird mood. Dunno why at all. I get like that sometimes.

Guys are compared to dogs all the time for all they're bad qualities. I'm no animal but I don't think there's much wrong with bein like a dog. They're loyal, lovable, but always maintain that touch of 'em that's wild. I suppose it could be said I'm like that. (I wouldn't say I'm so lovable exactly though.) Sometimes I want to be quiet and just be alone with my thoughts. I think that's what happened yesterday.

Problem is I wasn't alone. I was with my girlfriend who decided I was super scary and kinda creeped out by this version of me she hasn't seen yet. (we've only been together two months.) It's not her fault I was like that at all and there's nuthin' wrong with her wantin' to be around me.(She comes off a lil needy sometimes. I know that's gonna make her mad 'cause she's the only person gonna read this, but it's true. But overall she's good to me so you have to take the good and the bad if that's who you want to be with right?)

With her there I was trying to channel the frustration that keeps me wanting to be quiet and alone to my thoughts so I didn't snap at her. She doesn't deserve it and I know that so I did my best to maintain this focus but she says she can sense things anyway. She said she could feel these fourteen big black scary arms like "Rahrr" (her word that I'm not really sure how to spell). I'm pretty sure she meant that metaphorically but the point is I was scary to her.

It's been a while since anybody thought this 6' tall 195lb Mexican was scary. Mostly kids in highschool used to 'cause I was shy and quiet and looked angry most of the time. Eventually, my shell opened up and I'm not so scary anymore. (I miss those days sometimes.)

So last night after a few hours of her puttin' up with my scariness I loosened up and I wasn't so scary anymore. I still dunno what it was that was botherin' me.

I mean I've just been runnin my dad's business for the last two months while my mom was sick in the hospital with a thin but ever present chance of death. My grandmother just died. I'm broke. I live at home with my parents after my last girlfriend cleaned me out and I'm still stuck with her debt. The business is goin' broke in this economy. My writing career isn't going anywhere. My college career is somewhat stalled since I have no money. Dad's been streesed with all that's goin' on to so I'm puttin together the people he snaps at. I'm helpin' my uncle with his parole and new fashionable ankle bracelet. I've been tryin' to drop a lil weight without much success. 6 years since highschool n I only put on 15lbs, should I really be worried? I'm not that worried but I still wanna lose 'em wasn't skinny til the ex had me starvin', literally. I had dropped down to 150lbs. cause we were so broke.

Yeah, I'm a lil stressed. but I'm strong enough to deal with all that and a helluva lot more. So bring it on.