Surrounded by a darkness, I am comforted by nothing.
Cold, wet, stabbing stones behind me. As comforting as a mother's touch.
My body aches, this close to broken it's challenging to move, but I do.
My lips first. They whistle well. It amuses me.
Soaking, weak-kneed, and stumbling I build momentum, rise to my feet.
Standing in the shallow water, I am no longer drowning. I swim now.
Sloshing, wading, rising and clinging to the jutting stone of an island shore.
I pause for a breath that causes me to slip but not too far. I climb back up.
Perched upon the highest rock, gripping as best I can with wet, bare feet and hands. A predator readying to pounce.
Strength gathered, I leap to the jagged stone walls, catching, for only a moment an unforgiving ladder.
The impact delivers several pressure point jabs to this weak, frail, body. If only I were stronger, bigger, better. But I'm not. It slips. A failure for the thousandth time. Repeat the process or think of something better.
I repeat the process.
I catch. It hurts again. Even the success hurts. No time to relish, keep moving. My footing is harder to find. My skin tears as I make the climb. The struggle hurts. I still have so far to go. My muscles burn. My soul is tired. Can I die yet?
I look up. The light is still there, dying. Maybe just flickering. Never been this close before. I reach for it. I slip. I crash. A failure ten thousand times over. You fool. Everything goes black.
Back to life. My stone slice of island paradise broke my fall. Should I try again? What's the point? What else is there? How about a song? Let's try again. Repeat the process. Try new things. Some work. Others don't. I try again. I miss my mark. I try again. I hurt, I heal, I try again. Twenty feet. Thirty feet. Fifty feet. A slip. A catch.
It's not about winning. There doesn't seem to be any winning. Just surviving and keeping my sanity. And maybe, just maybe...
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Friday, December 28, 2012
The World Didn't End
The world didn't end. Not for all of us. There's always a few that don't quite make it to the coming year. It seems like the bodies tend to pile up at the end of a year.
Sandy Hook alone was a pretty devastating toll on the nation and the loved ones left to mourn the loss of those 27 people. That was a big deal. I can't even begin to apologize or try to make things better for those families. I wouldn't know where to start. It's hard for me to comfort people having a bad day, where do you start making someone feel better when they just lost a kid. Can you imagine?
You fall in love. You get married. Have a kid. The kid starts walking. Then talking. He looks like you but with your wife's eyes and hair. He develops a personality. The kid is funny and smart. He's cooler than you ever were at his age. He hates green beans. They have a weird texture. He loves oatmeal raisin cookies with a juice box. He goes ape-y for that shit. He's smart but he could be smarter. You send him to school. His teachers are cool and seem to know what they're doing. The one down the hall has really pretty blue eyes. She seems nice.
Then you go to work one day and you hear the news. That kid you spent 7 years of your life preparing for and raising and worrying about and loving is in danger of being shot. What if he's shot already? Is he okay? Can the cops get there and take care of this before anything happens to him? can I get there and save my kid before he gets hurt? What if he's hurt and all he wants is me?
Later you find out he was one of the first ones shot. It wasn't a kill shot just some spray of bullets. It took maybe ten minutes and he lay there bleeding and crying and asking for his parents along with a dozen other kids in that same room. It's a tragedy.
Makes me sad. I cried a little bit writing that. I didn't want to but that's where I am with Sandy Hook. That's how I feel after two weeks or so and I don't know a single person that died. That's real and not a thing to say "aw" about. It's about where I think most of us should be.
Then Obama comes on TV and gives a speech. I didn't watch it because it wasn't for me. There's nothing he could've said for me to change a thing. That speech was for that town and those parents. It was him saying this sucks and we as a nation are really sorry you had this shitty, shitty situation come down on you.
He interrupts football to say this and the next day I read an article quoting all the assholes from twitter that had a problem with him interrupting the game for this speech. They called him a nigger. ( http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/17/take-that-nigger-off-tv-racist-tweets-obama_n_2317185.html )
Fuck you, if you think this isn't a tragedy or that missing 15 minutes of football is worth disrespecting the memory of those people. Don't ruin a humane moment in which a representative of the country, no matter your feeling about him, tries to collectively talk a town out of jumping from a window ledge using sympathy. He was trying to say what needed to be said by all of us. We feel for you. We give a damn, even if just a tiny one. What did you heartless assholes want him to do? Give a speech that only the handful in attendance would ever know happened? Let the rest of the country think it isn't that important to us? Maybe he should've gone out there and told them to stop crying about their loss because people die every day?
Maybe he is politicizing this to get tough on guns. Maybe he won't stop us from going over that fiscal cliff. Maybe he'll be the death of us all. At this particular moment, I don't give a crap about that. What I do care about is that there is something wrong with us as a country, possibly as a planet, when we can't respect a loss of life for more than two minutes. Why can't we stop worrying about political parties or skin color or any of that superficial garbage and just reach out emotionally for a bit.
If you have it in you to be kind and be patient and not be a total dick all the time, great. We all have bad days, we all slip up, we tend to be focused on "I" from time to time. It happens don't hang yourself about it. But when something like this happens, when you are called upon to find a speck of human decency you better give it some effort and find a scrap of it. In this world of MyFaceBook and i-own-a-pod and YouWatchMeTube, it's hard not to be self absorbed but at least be honest with yourself as to when you are. I feel more and more our society pushes us towards being that way. It's gotta be the wrong direction.
If the world had ended on the 21st we would be better off. Instead of some quick meteor destroying us in a flash and bang, we'll get the next 3,000 years or so to slowly poison, kill, and maim the humanity out of ourselves until there's a few huddled groups left starving and looking to betray each other to find their next meal hidden in the flesh of former friends. Maybe by then we'll have any easier time of it with our "fuck those guys" attitude.
Hope you had a Merry Christmas. Sorry about the swearing.
Sandy Hook alone was a pretty devastating toll on the nation and the loved ones left to mourn the loss of those 27 people. That was a big deal. I can't even begin to apologize or try to make things better for those families. I wouldn't know where to start. It's hard for me to comfort people having a bad day, where do you start making someone feel better when they just lost a kid. Can you imagine?
You fall in love. You get married. Have a kid. The kid starts walking. Then talking. He looks like you but with your wife's eyes and hair. He develops a personality. The kid is funny and smart. He's cooler than you ever were at his age. He hates green beans. They have a weird texture. He loves oatmeal raisin cookies with a juice box. He goes ape-y for that shit. He's smart but he could be smarter. You send him to school. His teachers are cool and seem to know what they're doing. The one down the hall has really pretty blue eyes. She seems nice.
Then you go to work one day and you hear the news. That kid you spent 7 years of your life preparing for and raising and worrying about and loving is in danger of being shot. What if he's shot already? Is he okay? Can the cops get there and take care of this before anything happens to him? can I get there and save my kid before he gets hurt? What if he's hurt and all he wants is me?
Later you find out he was one of the first ones shot. It wasn't a kill shot just some spray of bullets. It took maybe ten minutes and he lay there bleeding and crying and asking for his parents along with a dozen other kids in that same room. It's a tragedy.
Makes me sad. I cried a little bit writing that. I didn't want to but that's where I am with Sandy Hook. That's how I feel after two weeks or so and I don't know a single person that died. That's real and not a thing to say "aw" about. It's about where I think most of us should be.
Then Obama comes on TV and gives a speech. I didn't watch it because it wasn't for me. There's nothing he could've said for me to change a thing. That speech was for that town and those parents. It was him saying this sucks and we as a nation are really sorry you had this shitty, shitty situation come down on you.
He interrupts football to say this and the next day I read an article quoting all the assholes from twitter that had a problem with him interrupting the game for this speech. They called him a nigger. ( http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/17/take-that-nigger-off-tv-racist-tweets-obama_n_2317185.html )
Fuck you, if you think this isn't a tragedy or that missing 15 minutes of football is worth disrespecting the memory of those people. Don't ruin a humane moment in which a representative of the country, no matter your feeling about him, tries to collectively talk a town out of jumping from a window ledge using sympathy. He was trying to say what needed to be said by all of us. We feel for you. We give a damn, even if just a tiny one. What did you heartless assholes want him to do? Give a speech that only the handful in attendance would ever know happened? Let the rest of the country think it isn't that important to us? Maybe he should've gone out there and told them to stop crying about their loss because people die every day?
Maybe he is politicizing this to get tough on guns. Maybe he won't stop us from going over that fiscal cliff. Maybe he'll be the death of us all. At this particular moment, I don't give a crap about that. What I do care about is that there is something wrong with us as a country, possibly as a planet, when we can't respect a loss of life for more than two minutes. Why can't we stop worrying about political parties or skin color or any of that superficial garbage and just reach out emotionally for a bit.
If you have it in you to be kind and be patient and not be a total dick all the time, great. We all have bad days, we all slip up, we tend to be focused on "I" from time to time. It happens don't hang yourself about it. But when something like this happens, when you are called upon to find a speck of human decency you better give it some effort and find a scrap of it. In this world of MyFaceBook and i-own-a-pod and YouWatchMeTube, it's hard not to be self absorbed but at least be honest with yourself as to when you are. I feel more and more our society pushes us towards being that way. It's gotta be the wrong direction.
If the world had ended on the 21st we would be better off. Instead of some quick meteor destroying us in a flash and bang, we'll get the next 3,000 years or so to slowly poison, kill, and maim the humanity out of ourselves until there's a few huddled groups left starving and looking to betray each other to find their next meal hidden in the flesh of former friends. Maybe by then we'll have any easier time of it with our "fuck those guys" attitude.
Hope you had a Merry Christmas. Sorry about the swearing.
Friday, October 26, 2012
Sharp Tongued Woman
She wakes up with a sharp pain inside her mouth
She's resting in her bed, alone, inside her house
An angered and pointless attempt to complain
Has her afflicted with a slice more with which to strain
What is the cause there's no way she could know
But as is commnly said, you reap what you sow
She reaches inside to remove her bane
The tear travels through her finger's wiry frame
She shakes the sting away from her hand
The vexing prediciment might be more than she can stand
It couldn't be any of the few things she actually ate
Nor could it be any naturally occuring trait
A flood of crimson flows, held back only by biting her lip
The slosh of blood becomes too much, a proper princess must purge and spit
She regrets her sharp tongued lashings, wishing for an elixir and a few friends
An unkind, unforgiving tongue lacerates all those scandelous loose ends
She's a sharp tongued woman, she would spit razors with her words
With tables turned she can only hurt herself, that's her curse
Desperation drenched in perspiration, saturated by blood and tears
The little lady has reached the peak of her fears
She lies, segregated from society, bleeding at the bottom of her bathtub
Her pride and vanity vacated from a princess who only wants real love
She wants someone to make it all better, a beau with a better plan
All she can think to do is cut out the tongue held in her hand
She's resting in her bed, alone, inside her house
An angered and pointless attempt to complain
Has her afflicted with a slice more with which to strain
What is the cause there's no way she could know
But as is commnly said, you reap what you sow
She reaches inside to remove her bane
The tear travels through her finger's wiry frame
She shakes the sting away from her hand
The vexing prediciment might be more than she can stand
It couldn't be any of the few things she actually ate
Nor could it be any naturally occuring trait
A flood of crimson flows, held back only by biting her lip
The slosh of blood becomes too much, a proper princess must purge and spit
She regrets her sharp tongued lashings, wishing for an elixir and a few friends
An unkind, unforgiving tongue lacerates all those scandelous loose ends
She's a sharp tongued woman, she would spit razors with her words
With tables turned she can only hurt herself, that's her curse
Desperation drenched in perspiration, saturated by blood and tears
The little lady has reached the peak of her fears
She lies, segregated from society, bleeding at the bottom of her bathtub
Her pride and vanity vacated from a princess who only wants real love
She wants someone to make it all better, a beau with a better plan
All she can think to do is cut out the tongue held in her hand
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Auteur
When you're young you can't wait to get out because you think, "Fuck what everybody else says I'm gonna do things my way. I'm gonna clear my own path and never make any compromises and be exactly who I want to be and as successful as I want to be." Kids are kinda dumb and that makes a body a bit too optimistic.
Maybe I've just grown too cynical.
You get out of school and for most of us it's like you aren't a person anymore, just a salmon swimmin' upstream. You have these ideas and you want to open a business, a business that's gonna make you rich and famous and you'll change the world. Sounds great.
Go buy a place to do business. Go get some kind of promotion to let people know what you're doing. Pay permits to check the building's gas, water, electricity. Get whatever is outdated in the building updated. Is it handicap accessible? Keep up with the rent while trying to get your business off the ground. Keep up with your taxes. Get your flat fixed. Get your oil changed. Take your significant other out for your anniversary. Pay your bills. Pay your insurance. Go to the doctor since you're making yourself sick workin' so hard. Hire some employess. Teach them how you want things done. Fire the ones that don't listen. Hire some new help. Teach them. Get those guys some kind of insurance. Get them off their lazy asses so you can actually have decent service.
There's plenty to do as it is and then on top of that you've got people telling you how to do it and holding you back on purpose or on accident. You've got your parents who all of a sudden are the most qualified business people in the world and if you don't take their advice they're positive you're just gonna go bankrupt. You've got inspectors that show up and don't like the A&M bumpersticker you've got so they give you a hard time and nit-pick stuff they might not've noticed before. Then there's the people you hired that fell down a flight of stairs on their way to work.
No one person gets a path clear of all obstacles to do whatever they want in life. You do your best and fair or not shit happens. You either make it or you don't and it doesn't matter to too many people besides you. Not too many people are invested in the average person.
The debate between Obama and Romney is on tonight and a lot of people are invested in that. Since you know, the president's job is to do everything he promised unhindered by the interests of other groups. There are always people pushing and pulling at you for their own agendas and this will bog the best of us down. Obama and Romney make no difference in that whatever they promise you they are likely to fall through on.
Obama went out and promised us all kinds of things and hasn't delivered on everything in four years. If everyone quit arguing with him maybe he could've gotten it all done or maybe he'd have made some bad choices and we'd be living in the same country as Mad Max.
Whatever Romney is promising he won't be able to deliver on all of it. Some because he's gonna find opposition, some because he had no intention of doing it in the first place, and some because he won't have time in four years.
There is no Auteur for America. There is no one person who has his vision of America come true. America is a swarm of sympathetic and opposing ideas looking to shine in the spotlight. Even a dictator finds rebels that oppose him and fight for their own ideals which in itself can ruin his dream.
Maybe I've just grown too cynical.
You get out of school and for most of us it's like you aren't a person anymore, just a salmon swimmin' upstream. You have these ideas and you want to open a business, a business that's gonna make you rich and famous and you'll change the world. Sounds great.
Go buy a place to do business. Go get some kind of promotion to let people know what you're doing. Pay permits to check the building's gas, water, electricity. Get whatever is outdated in the building updated. Is it handicap accessible? Keep up with the rent while trying to get your business off the ground. Keep up with your taxes. Get your flat fixed. Get your oil changed. Take your significant other out for your anniversary. Pay your bills. Pay your insurance. Go to the doctor since you're making yourself sick workin' so hard. Hire some employess. Teach them how you want things done. Fire the ones that don't listen. Hire some new help. Teach them. Get those guys some kind of insurance. Get them off their lazy asses so you can actually have decent service.
There's plenty to do as it is and then on top of that you've got people telling you how to do it and holding you back on purpose or on accident. You've got your parents who all of a sudden are the most qualified business people in the world and if you don't take their advice they're positive you're just gonna go bankrupt. You've got inspectors that show up and don't like the A&M bumpersticker you've got so they give you a hard time and nit-pick stuff they might not've noticed before. Then there's the people you hired that fell down a flight of stairs on their way to work.
No one person gets a path clear of all obstacles to do whatever they want in life. You do your best and fair or not shit happens. You either make it or you don't and it doesn't matter to too many people besides you. Not too many people are invested in the average person.
The debate between Obama and Romney is on tonight and a lot of people are invested in that. Since you know, the president's job is to do everything he promised unhindered by the interests of other groups. There are always people pushing and pulling at you for their own agendas and this will bog the best of us down. Obama and Romney make no difference in that whatever they promise you they are likely to fall through on.
Obama went out and promised us all kinds of things and hasn't delivered on everything in four years. If everyone quit arguing with him maybe he could've gotten it all done or maybe he'd have made some bad choices and we'd be living in the same country as Mad Max.
Whatever Romney is promising he won't be able to deliver on all of it. Some because he's gonna find opposition, some because he had no intention of doing it in the first place, and some because he won't have time in four years.
There is no Auteur for America. There is no one person who has his vision of America come true. America is a swarm of sympathetic and opposing ideas looking to shine in the spotlight. Even a dictator finds rebels that oppose him and fight for their own ideals which in itself can ruin his dream.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Whether or Not
I haven't written in a while. I haven't done anything I feel is worthwhile or productive in a few weeks. I feel like none of it matters. Does anybody read this? Does anybody care? Probably not.
Where is this attitude coming from? I first noticed it with the theatre shooting in Colorado. That alone didn't put me down but I did feel bad. I didn't know what to say about that. What can you say about that? I feel for the victims. The shooter was obviously disturbed. I'm not sure how exactly but I'm curious. Those are the things we were all thinking.
Then I would watch the news and there was another shooting, and another, and another. Then Chick-fil-a comes along with their anti-gay stuff and the people around here showed so much support for them. They even sold out of food completely at one location. My mother told me about it, I suppose she thought I would think it was cool. I found it pretty disappointing. I told her my point of view about how there seems to be a misconception that the Chic-fil-a debate was about the CEO's right to free speech. I felt the man has a right to say whatever he wants but I won't support a business that takes my money and then uses it to support legislation that oppresses any minority group. She called me stupid.
All of this combined with the fact that I have virtually no prospects with my writing led me to question a lot of things. Why write? Does anyone even read? Is there an audience for my writing? Am I the odd man out? Is the majority of this country right wing religious zealots? How can I write for an audience like that?
I didn't know how to appeal to an audience like that in a way that I could be happy with. I was considering giving up writing. The thought of that made my heart want to break. I don't want to be a plumber for the rest of my life. I don't want to just get by. I don't want to live in the same town I was born in anymore. I've lived here far too long already.
I can't give up on my writing. If I did such a thing I might as well walk off a bridge. I might not get out of here for another ten years but this is the only talent I have that I believe is strong enough to make my dream come true. If I believe that my best is not good enough then I will break.
I will not break, ever.
I refuse to. I can not. I know I have talent. Maybe I'm no Shakespeare but damn it I'm better than half the authors in a Barnes and Noble. I have to keep believing in myself. I can't write for you guys. I can't expect you guys to love everything I write or anyone to pay attention to it. I can't expect everyone to agree with me. I can't expect everyone to have the same opinions as I do. I've only to be myself and push myself to do the best I can. I can die unsuccessful, alone, and thought of as crazy for my beliefs. It's not up to you or anyone but me to find my happiness. I have to do things for me whether they change the world or not.
Where is this attitude coming from? I first noticed it with the theatre shooting in Colorado. That alone didn't put me down but I did feel bad. I didn't know what to say about that. What can you say about that? I feel for the victims. The shooter was obviously disturbed. I'm not sure how exactly but I'm curious. Those are the things we were all thinking.
Then I would watch the news and there was another shooting, and another, and another. Then Chick-fil-a comes along with their anti-gay stuff and the people around here showed so much support for them. They even sold out of food completely at one location. My mother told me about it, I suppose she thought I would think it was cool. I found it pretty disappointing. I told her my point of view about how there seems to be a misconception that the Chic-fil-a debate was about the CEO's right to free speech. I felt the man has a right to say whatever he wants but I won't support a business that takes my money and then uses it to support legislation that oppresses any minority group. She called me stupid.
All of this combined with the fact that I have virtually no prospects with my writing led me to question a lot of things. Why write? Does anyone even read? Is there an audience for my writing? Am I the odd man out? Is the majority of this country right wing religious zealots? How can I write for an audience like that?
I didn't know how to appeal to an audience like that in a way that I could be happy with. I was considering giving up writing. The thought of that made my heart want to break. I don't want to be a plumber for the rest of my life. I don't want to just get by. I don't want to live in the same town I was born in anymore. I've lived here far too long already.
I can't give up on my writing. If I did such a thing I might as well walk off a bridge. I might not get out of here for another ten years but this is the only talent I have that I believe is strong enough to make my dream come true. If I believe that my best is not good enough then I will break.
I will not break, ever.
I refuse to. I can not. I know I have talent. Maybe I'm no Shakespeare but damn it I'm better than half the authors in a Barnes and Noble. I have to keep believing in myself. I can't write for you guys. I can't expect you guys to love everything I write or anyone to pay attention to it. I can't expect everyone to agree with me. I can't expect everyone to have the same opinions as I do. I've only to be myself and push myself to do the best I can. I can die unsuccessful, alone, and thought of as crazy for my beliefs. It's not up to you or anyone but me to find my happiness. I have to do things for me whether they change the world or not.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Jesus Ain't Comin' Back
The other night, we went to the bar and a guy came up saying he was gonna enter some singing competition, Nashville Star. I guess it's like American Idol or something. He was hoping to win some money at least to be able to pay his mortgage. I told him I hope he does well. He told me he would because God was on his side. I more or less exited the conversation after that.
Yesterday, I saw a bumber sticker that read "Keep Christ in Christmas". I was mildly annoyed. Christmas isn't even the kid's birthday. Not to mention there are an awful lot of faiths out there that have winter celebrations of their own. It's selfish for any religion to assume that theirs is most important or right in their beliefs because they have the most followers.
Brad Pitt's mom recently wrote a letter to her local paper endorsing Mitt Romney citing that he holds good Christian beliefs since he's Mormon. Good Christian beliefs like homosexuality is an abomination and that any god would give Joe Smith his word on golden tablets.
In the comment section of the article I read about Mama Pitt, someone had mentioned Jesus returning to strike down the non believers and sinners. I love how some people that are supposed to be about love and forgiveness use their savior as a weapon or threat. I'm sure Jesus loves it when you think of him as a big brother to come and beat up all the mean sinners.
To me the belief in a god seems just ancient and ridiculous. It's 2012 and people still spend their lives reading, rereading and debating stories about men that comes back from the dead, people hearing voices from burning bushes, men that single handedly topple buildings, and battles for the fate of the world. I read about that kind of stuff in comic books because I enjoy that cheesy, fantastic stuff but I will always know it's a fantasy.
I recently told my parents I am an atheist. They promptly came to the decision that I'm being brainwashed. You know, because I can't think for myself and not believing in God is wrong. As soon as I had the courage to declare myself an atheist I made myself an outcast. My belief in empirical evidence is seen as lunacy while a belief in the power of Christ is seen as an unquestionable reality.
My parents don't like it. My mother even tried to use it against me this weekend as an attack on my character. She and I were talking to relatives and they asked about my wedding plans. I mentioned an outdoor wedding. My aunt asked if they church was going to be involved, rather innocently since she didn't know I was atheist. My mother was quick to declare I didn't believe in God in a venomous bite of gossip. It didn't get very much traction as my aunt and cousin are reasonable women.
I know that Superman is an amazing character. I know he seems to always do right and gives of himself to save the world but Jerry Siegel and Joe Schuster, two Jewish teens from New York, invented him out of thin air. He's got qualities that we can all admire but he's no more real than Thor or Hercules or Rama or Luke Skywalker. The fact that these characters are not real should not diminish their deeds as any less noble. If someone does something nice for someone because his thinking is "Superman would help given the opportunity and I want to do nice things to be a bit more like him." I see no problem with that but no one should be worshipping the man of steel.
Why is it that Jesus, God, or any other mythological creature so special that it has to be the truth? People are often desperate to believe in something that gives the universe meaning. For some reason, the existence that we have isn't enough. We can breathe and think and read and tell jokes and make music but if we don't have a destiny determined by someone we never see it all becomes meaningless, is that what I am to understand?
That's ridiculous. I am the product of billions of years of evolution. I am the pinnacle of everything that has come before and led up to me. Science can prove this. My destiny lies in my next step. I need no god to tell me what is right or just or divine. I can use the stories in the Bible, or Action Comics, or the novels of Ernest Hemingway for guidance but I will never mistake them for the absolute truth of the universe.
There is so much more in the universe than some hokey religions and traditions used to explain the universe and morality to cave dwellers with severely limited tools. I have access to almost limitless knowledge. I live in an era where many of the great secrets one could ever have known can be known and proven. I will not allow the things I do not know to be hidden in the shadows of mythological figures because what we might uncover makes us feel insignificant or uncomfortable. If the truth is uncomfortable then we should be uncomfortable. To settle for less than that would insure our insignificance.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Catfish
I'm angry. Annoyed. Pissed off at everything and trying to find a direction to point it in. I'm losin' money like I'm gettin' mugged. It's kind of a pain in the ass right now. I suspect it might be a pain in the ass at anytime in my life but right now I'm tryin' to get some traction goin' and of course life has other plans.
Nuthin' comes easy. Fact of life #1. You better thank your lucky onions any time something goes your way and remember it could've always been worse.
Sometimes you need that in your life. Sometimes you need a bully to come along and start kickin' your privileged teeth in to realize how soft and fat you've gotten. Everybody needs a rival, a challenge to take on, or a hardship to endure. You need something to let you know that you are alive and you are strong enough to take that beating and that you will get back up and start fighting back.
I love comics but life doesn't send a Joker or Green Goblin for you to fight with. That'd be too simple. Beat up a bad guy, get the girl, the day is saved and somehow that makes everything okay. What life really throws your way are deadlines, unexpected costs, and disillusionment in droves. These small hardships come everyday and they pile up quick. If it were just the light bill that needed to be paid a body could handle that and never think anything of it. When you run into your challenge though, it'll be more like the light bill, rent, a totaled car, a sick kid, massive amounts of crap to do at work, and people that don't seem to give a rat's ass about helpin' you out at all.
If everything could be settled in a fist fight it would all be a lot easier. Instead, you have to sacrifice portions of your life to get around obstacles. You work, you work a second job, you work overtime, you stay in rather than spending money on a crappy junk food dinner, and you save your money. You give up the things you kind of want for the thing you really want. It's not fun but what needs to be done if you wanna get anywhere.
You need those pain in the ass months or years to make somethin' of yourself. You have to challenge yourself to knock the dust off your bones. You bust your ass to prove to yourself that you've got at least a sliver of a hero in you. Keep feedin' that son of a bitch and he just might turn into Hercules.
Me and my June were talkin' about this the other night. You ever see that movie Catfish? You should give it a look. I don't have any real spoilers here just a story frm within the movie.
Catfish draws its title from a story told at the end about these fish that get soft from being shipped across the globe in tanks. They sit there and do nothing and taste like crap because of it. So, to remedy this problem catfish are put in the tank to beat up and challenge the other fish. The other fish fight back and are made stronger and better (tasting at least) for it.
We felt we needed a challenge. Somthing to come along and slap us around to see if we got the cojones to snatch that bastard by his ear and spit in his eye. Well, with all the damage that was done to our car recently and the misfortunes we've had in the last year we're in a tight spot right now. Do we have what it takes to pull through?
I know she does. She wouldn't be standin' at my side if she didn't. She's endured her own troubles which aren't my story to tell. She's led a troop of AROTC (I think that's what they're called) to national championships four years in a row. Her high school has a whole case full of the trophys she earned. She counsels just about anybody she meets and helps them with their problems. She's smart and funny and just all around amazing. She's even put up with me for three years now.
I've been to hell and back before. When I was a kid, I fought 'cause it was fun, I had a fire in me. In the ring, I had trouble with a southpaw but I got the hang of that so well he couldn't touch me. I've got a work ethic that'll outshine anybody. I got my heart busted a few times in a row so that I was broken and suicidal. I bounced back and found real love. I'm one hell of a writer really. You guys get some cheap stuff sometimes and I'm sorry about that but this blog has helped me become a stronger writer. I got my Associates degree, one better than anybody in my family and I'm lookin' to go further. I'm strong, I'm fast, and I'm smart. I'm ready to take on the world.
You can never let those bastards get you down. Talk yourself up. Practice what you suck at. Ask for help sometimes. Everything is hard and annoying and makes you work to get there. But if you don't look that lion in the eyes you'll never get a chance to see it blink. If you don't push yourself you will never be anything great and personally I can't think of anything sadder than wasted potential. Don't leave this world with regrets, wishing you'd done more or tried a bit harder or made something of yourself.
I've busted my ass many times to get where I am now and compared to some folks it's pretty comfortable. But it will never be good enough. My love deserves better. Our kids will have better. I will be successful. I still got a million more rounds in me. A million more chances to turn everything around and do something no one ever has. By the time the dust has settled It'll be me and my love still standin' there back to back kickin' ass and askin' for more challenges.
Nuthin' comes easy. Fact of life #1. You better thank your lucky onions any time something goes your way and remember it could've always been worse.
Sometimes you need that in your life. Sometimes you need a bully to come along and start kickin' your privileged teeth in to realize how soft and fat you've gotten. Everybody needs a rival, a challenge to take on, or a hardship to endure. You need something to let you know that you are alive and you are strong enough to take that beating and that you will get back up and start fighting back.
I love comics but life doesn't send a Joker or Green Goblin for you to fight with. That'd be too simple. Beat up a bad guy, get the girl, the day is saved and somehow that makes everything okay. What life really throws your way are deadlines, unexpected costs, and disillusionment in droves. These small hardships come everyday and they pile up quick. If it were just the light bill that needed to be paid a body could handle that and never think anything of it. When you run into your challenge though, it'll be more like the light bill, rent, a totaled car, a sick kid, massive amounts of crap to do at work, and people that don't seem to give a rat's ass about helpin' you out at all.
If everything could be settled in a fist fight it would all be a lot easier. Instead, you have to sacrifice portions of your life to get around obstacles. You work, you work a second job, you work overtime, you stay in rather than spending money on a crappy junk food dinner, and you save your money. You give up the things you kind of want for the thing you really want. It's not fun but what needs to be done if you wanna get anywhere.
You need those pain in the ass months or years to make somethin' of yourself. You have to challenge yourself to knock the dust off your bones. You bust your ass to prove to yourself that you've got at least a sliver of a hero in you. Keep feedin' that son of a bitch and he just might turn into Hercules.
Me and my June were talkin' about this the other night. You ever see that movie Catfish? You should give it a look. I don't have any real spoilers here just a story frm within the movie.
Catfish draws its title from a story told at the end about these fish that get soft from being shipped across the globe in tanks. They sit there and do nothing and taste like crap because of it. So, to remedy this problem catfish are put in the tank to beat up and challenge the other fish. The other fish fight back and are made stronger and better (tasting at least) for it.
We felt we needed a challenge. Somthing to come along and slap us around to see if we got the cojones to snatch that bastard by his ear and spit in his eye. Well, with all the damage that was done to our car recently and the misfortunes we've had in the last year we're in a tight spot right now. Do we have what it takes to pull through?
I know she does. She wouldn't be standin' at my side if she didn't. She's endured her own troubles which aren't my story to tell. She's led a troop of AROTC (I think that's what they're called) to national championships four years in a row. Her high school has a whole case full of the trophys she earned. She counsels just about anybody she meets and helps them with their problems. She's smart and funny and just all around amazing. She's even put up with me for three years now.
I've been to hell and back before. When I was a kid, I fought 'cause it was fun, I had a fire in me. In the ring, I had trouble with a southpaw but I got the hang of that so well he couldn't touch me. I've got a work ethic that'll outshine anybody. I got my heart busted a few times in a row so that I was broken and suicidal. I bounced back and found real love. I'm one hell of a writer really. You guys get some cheap stuff sometimes and I'm sorry about that but this blog has helped me become a stronger writer. I got my Associates degree, one better than anybody in my family and I'm lookin' to go further. I'm strong, I'm fast, and I'm smart. I'm ready to take on the world.
You can never let those bastards get you down. Talk yourself up. Practice what you suck at. Ask for help sometimes. Everything is hard and annoying and makes you work to get there. But if you don't look that lion in the eyes you'll never get a chance to see it blink. If you don't push yourself you will never be anything great and personally I can't think of anything sadder than wasted potential. Don't leave this world with regrets, wishing you'd done more or tried a bit harder or made something of yourself.
I've busted my ass many times to get where I am now and compared to some folks it's pretty comfortable. But it will never be good enough. My love deserves better. Our kids will have better. I will be successful. I still got a million more rounds in me. A million more chances to turn everything around and do something no one ever has. By the time the dust has settled It'll be me and my love still standin' there back to back kickin' ass and askin' for more challenges.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
