My Flaws are Many

Did you know that I have a few items of jewelry that I wear constantly?



I do. I wear a necklace with a cross and a bracelet.



I have a few different versions but for the last year or so I've worn a bracelt on my left wrist and a cross.

The cross is pretty obvious, I'm supposed to be Catholic, though I'm not much of one, and I do allow for the teachings of Christ to be an influence in my life and try to do good as he would.



The bracelet is more or less a metaphorical "shackle" for my left hand. In mythology, the left side is the side of evil. It was thought that this hand was more open to malicious doings. It's why when you spill salt you take it in your right hand and throw it over your left shoulder and into the eyes of the devil as he approaches the left side to try to lure you into temptation. I wear it so I consider the cosequences of my actions before I do them.



(I also wear a lot of black. That I stole from Johnny Cash. No, I'm not "emo". If you've never heard "Man in Black" by him you should. It's on my playlist at www.myspace.com/sonuvadamnit if you wanna give it a listen. There's more than 300 songs there now too, so you might just play around with that anyway.)



I do these things because I know very good and well I'm not perfect. I've been called that a lot lately, but I know better. I'm not some poor, pathetic, no-good loser, and woe is not me, but I've done wrong and I can do right. I have lots of flaws and considerin' I dont have forever, here's a few.





#1) I'm a sucker for women. I can't tell you the number of times I've been duped by a woman into spendin' money on her or doin' favors or somethin' that I shouldn't have in general. I can't help it. I really can't.

I have this mentality that women should be treated like something special and while there are many that deserve to be there are several that have made it a habit of takin' advantage of guys like me.

(C.$. got me for $4,700, more if you count the time I spent takin' care of her and hers when she wasn't workin', and I'm stuck with the bill. I should've listened to Sam 'bout her.)





#2) I do my best to please everyone. I have always felt that if I'm havin' fun someone else is sufferin' for it. For as long back as I can remember, anytime I was havin' fun somethin' bad was bound to happen.

Maybe I'm just awkward or have an insane amount of guilt but I always felt that my place was to help others and do what I could to make them happy. (I guess that makes me seem like a good boyfriend or friend but it's 'cause I dont feel comfortable doin' anythin' else.) This causes me lots of stress that I could do without.

I start to feel myself pulled in a dozen different directions and become kinda grumpy and scary. I want to be there for everyone that needs a helpin' hand but it's just not possible. My dad has carried my uncle for so many years and all it's done is enabled him to be a drunk with few consequences. My uncle has lost a family, a few homes, countless brain cells, but always has a crutch if he needs one. It's not healthy for either of them.



#3) I'm a huge flirt. Growin' up I was so nervous around girls I practically never talked to them. I could never tell if a girl liked me 'cause I never figured I was special enough to have anybody see anything like that in me.

Then my brother gave me the best piece of advice that a two-time felon ever gave me "The secret to talkin' to any girl you like is, you talk to all of them like you like them." It's true. It worked for me. You talk to a girl you're not into like you want her and she responds. You test out what you can say and how she reacts. If she doesn't like what your sayin' it's no huge loss 'cause you didn't like her anyway.

Unfortunately, this got me so used to flirtin' I can do it without ever realizin' that I'm flirtin'. (I'm sure anybody can see how this could be a problem. In case you can't, I'll tell you this: The week I graduated I had three girls I was foolin' around with, two of 'em were best friends, I'm pretty sure they aren't anymore.)



#4) Nothing is ever good enough for me. I'm not one to complain...well I am actually. I guess that's why they say I'm a grumpy old man. I want things to be the way I want them. I won't complain say about the dinner my girlfriend makes for me (There really isn't much to complain about at all, mouth's waterin a bit actually thinkin' bout the spaghetti, salad and breadsticks, but I prolly wouldn't 'cause she took the time to make it anyway.) but I'm never satisfied with the world in general or anything I do.

I work out to be fitter, faster, and stronger than I am. I work on my writin' so I am the best in my mind. I know I can always be better but it's improved, undoubtedly. I'm constantly workin' to improve my faults. My father said "You might be good at somethin' but there's always gonna be someone better. That's why you always have to keep workin' at it, to get better."



I'm constantly workin' to improve my faults. I'm not perfect. I well aware of this. I have done rotten despicable things in my life. I've lied. I've cheated on girlfriends. I've kicked a kitten. I've slept with women that I shouldn't have. I've turned my back on my friends. I've treated women poorly. I've felt hatred boil in my blood. I've considered suicide. I've been through a Hell that I have no one but myself to blame for. I've done things that I am not proud of at all but I remember my mistakes and work towards improving myself everyday.



In case you're wonderin', yes every word of this is true.

"But I'll try to carry off a little darkness on my back,
'Til things are brighter, I'm the Man in Black."

-"Man in Black", Johnny Cash, 1971