Previously on this blog...
I said friendship means everything to me. Admitted to bein' a lil buzzed while writin'. (I think that was kinda obvious 'cause it sure felt to me like I was repeatin' myself a lot.) And I made mention of a lil get together for me and some friends. So, that should bring you up to speed if you didn't read the last one.
We celebrated my 25th on Saturday night. We went to a nice sushi place. It was crowded. I was told there were gonna be four different parties there that night. One of 'em lined up right next to mine. They're table filled with about 30. Mine was about 4 with quite a few empty seats for the first half hour.
After a while people began trickling in. After about an hour I got a lil irrate with the waiter. We'd been there that long and all he brought us was water. I fussed at him a lil bit and then the service got better. A good time was had by all. I was a lil buzzed by then and after a tequila shot we headed to the club for a lil dancin'.
I had reserved the VIP section but again other people were there and that was no bueno. It was ok just I feel overwhelmed sometimes with so many people around. But still we had a table waitin' for us with vodka and mixers ready for us. I had a few mixed drinks and got my shots.
After that my memory starts gettin a lil spotty.
I remember dancin' a lil bit.
I remember stumblin' up and down the stairs to the bathroom.
I remember somebody handin' me a bucket that I then puked in.
I remeber bein' walked outta the club by my bestfriend and a bouncer. I remember that 'cause I remember squeezin' the bouncers shoulders and bein' surprised how solid they were.
I remember throwin' up 'bout 3 more times on the way home.
I remember stumbling through the door 'cause that's where my shoe fell off.
I remember lyin' on the bathroom floor.
Then I remember wakin up with the biggest hangover I've ever had. I puked about 3 more times that mornin'. My headache didn't leave til Monday. I hurt sumthin' inside of me (my diaphragm I think) that still hurts when I laugh, breathe too deep, or cough. Hell it's even uncomfortable to bend down.
While the night was fun and a lotta people had a good time, I gotta say that's very out of the ordinary for me. I had to swallow a lot of pride on Sunday 'cause I couldn't do anything. I don't like bein' helpless at all. Dependin' on others is not what I'm known for.
But I had fun Saturday night. I won't do that again anytime soon. I'll stick to my beer and stay away from the vodka. Drinkin' a lil here and there is okay. I never drink to get drunk and really nobody should. I got lucky since I had somebody around I could trust that drove me home and took care of me. If she hadn't been so trust worthy or hadn't been there at all anything could've happened.
I'm thankful she was there and that nuthin' worse than me bein' sick as a dog happened. Dad gave me a lecture when I saw him on Monday cautionin' me about the abuse of alcohol. He pointed out that Uncle Joe Didn't show up for work on Monday. My uncle was hung over from his Sunday night. He'd made his life all about drinkin' and has lost a lot for it.
Just about everything in this world's got hooks in it. Food, sex, drugs, alcohol, electronics, and nicotine can all be highly addictive. In all the things we do we gotta find a lil self control. Can't work all the time or the family relationship suffers. Can't be lazy all the time or the bills don't get paid. Can't be all about food or your waistline starts to make you unhealthy.
A cupcake here and there never hurt anybody. A few extra hours at work can get you ahead on the rent. A beer while watchin' the game can help relax you. But you always gotta stay in control of yourself.
I didn't on Saturday night and I'm told I did a lot more embarassin' things than what I've mentioned so far. I was outta my head and while I don't think anybody really blames me for what I did I'm pretty sure at least one person's feelin's were hurt. I'm sorry for that.
Considerin' all that's not likely to happen again for a long, long time, I think I'm ok with it all. It was my twenty-fifth birthday and I don't regret what all happened. I'm not the Texas Angel you know? I know I do a bad thing or two and take a lil guilty pleasure in some of it. Still, I'm embarassed by some things and can't believe I did other things but it was all in good fun and no one was seriously hurt.
Just gonna have to keep self-control in mind in the future.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Tejas
Today is my birthday. I'm twenty-five years old today. Holy crap.
Gettin' old fast and only gettin' older faster. I got a lil thing goin' on this weekend. Lotta people are s'posed to be comin' out for that. Good friends. Old friends. New friends. Friends of friends. It's good. I'm lookin' forward to it. Nuthin' like bein surrounded by good friends on a good night for some drinkin' and eatin and dancin'.
I'm a terrible dancer. I dunno why I picked dancin' as sumthin' to go do.
Booze'll help it. So will the friends. Lot easier to do stupid things in front of people you know would be willin' to do the same for you. It's all in good fun and good friends won't judge you anyway.
Friends mean everything to me.
Without 'em we'd all go crazy. I never had too many but I've been lucky to have a few very good ones. People I can be open and honest with are few and far between. Just like good people.
But that's a good thing. The rarer a thing is the more precious it is. Friendship should be precious. A person should be happy to make new friends and sad when they lose old ones. Close friends should be few in number. You start gettin' thirty "best friends" you gotta wonder whose best they're really lookin' out for.
My best friend has been my best friend for more than a decade. He's like a brother to me. I'll look out for him the best I can. I know he'd do his best to do the same for me. (I get to be his best man in October. Helluva privelidge for me. He's got himself a good woman and I hope they're happy together for as many years as they have together.) I trust him. I can depend on him. It's nice to have a good reliable friend that'll be there through everything. Everyone in this world deserves one.
A best friend isn't sumthin' people have to earn its what everybody needs. It's as important as air. You need that friend to grow and understand people. You need friends to understand why the hell it is that we're here in the first place. Life ain't worth livin' when you ain't got friends. So there's really no reason why anybody should not want to be someone's friend.
The world's a lonely place without friends. I don't think anybody'd survive without at least one. I'm glad I have a few. Even with the few I have the world is still so damn loney sometimes.
I'm sure everybody feels that way sometimes. The popular kids never know who's really their friend. The soloists think no one wants to be their friend. Everybody's insecure about who likes 'em and who doesn't. But everybody just wants to be friends.
The world should just be a big place full of friends. Do you know how much aggrevation and frustration would be taken outta your life if everybody you had a conflict with was a friend? Granted there'd still be problems but just think for a moment, if everybody you got mad at was a friend, would you be so quick to cuss 'em out or write 'em off. I figure that's a no. You'd listen and understand where they're comin' from.
Love. Peace. Respect. That's not all there is but that's all there should be. That's all there is between friends. That's all there would be if we were all friends.
If you're my friend, know that you mean the world to me. If you're not my friend, know that I want you to be. If we've never met, I'm lookin' forward to it.
It's my birthday, I've had a few, forgive me if this is short. The point is I wish you all were here to help celebrate my birthday. You are all incredible people. That may sound like generic bull but I know it's true about every one of you. There's sumthin' about all of you that's deserving of a friend. If you don't have so many, just open up a lil and take a chance. Make a friend. It's always worth the risk.
My dinner's ready and I'm a lil drunk, I'm just bein' honest. So, goodnight to all of you. Hope you enjoyed it.
Gettin' old fast and only gettin' older faster. I got a lil thing goin' on this weekend. Lotta people are s'posed to be comin' out for that. Good friends. Old friends. New friends. Friends of friends. It's good. I'm lookin' forward to it. Nuthin' like bein surrounded by good friends on a good night for some drinkin' and eatin and dancin'.
I'm a terrible dancer. I dunno why I picked dancin' as sumthin' to go do.
Booze'll help it. So will the friends. Lot easier to do stupid things in front of people you know would be willin' to do the same for you. It's all in good fun and good friends won't judge you anyway.
Friends mean everything to me.
Without 'em we'd all go crazy. I never had too many but I've been lucky to have a few very good ones. People I can be open and honest with are few and far between. Just like good people.
But that's a good thing. The rarer a thing is the more precious it is. Friendship should be precious. A person should be happy to make new friends and sad when they lose old ones. Close friends should be few in number. You start gettin' thirty "best friends" you gotta wonder whose best they're really lookin' out for.
My best friend has been my best friend for more than a decade. He's like a brother to me. I'll look out for him the best I can. I know he'd do his best to do the same for me. (I get to be his best man in October. Helluva privelidge for me. He's got himself a good woman and I hope they're happy together for as many years as they have together.) I trust him. I can depend on him. It's nice to have a good reliable friend that'll be there through everything. Everyone in this world deserves one.
A best friend isn't sumthin' people have to earn its what everybody needs. It's as important as air. You need that friend to grow and understand people. You need friends to understand why the hell it is that we're here in the first place. Life ain't worth livin' when you ain't got friends. So there's really no reason why anybody should not want to be someone's friend.
The world's a lonely place without friends. I don't think anybody'd survive without at least one. I'm glad I have a few. Even with the few I have the world is still so damn loney sometimes.
I'm sure everybody feels that way sometimes. The popular kids never know who's really their friend. The soloists think no one wants to be their friend. Everybody's insecure about who likes 'em and who doesn't. But everybody just wants to be friends.
The world should just be a big place full of friends. Do you know how much aggrevation and frustration would be taken outta your life if everybody you had a conflict with was a friend? Granted there'd still be problems but just think for a moment, if everybody you got mad at was a friend, would you be so quick to cuss 'em out or write 'em off. I figure that's a no. You'd listen and understand where they're comin' from.
Love. Peace. Respect. That's not all there is but that's all there should be. That's all there is between friends. That's all there would be if we were all friends.
If you're my friend, know that you mean the world to me. If you're not my friend, know that I want you to be. If we've never met, I'm lookin' forward to it.
It's my birthday, I've had a few, forgive me if this is short. The point is I wish you all were here to help celebrate my birthday. You are all incredible people. That may sound like generic bull but I know it's true about every one of you. There's sumthin' about all of you that's deserving of a friend. If you don't have so many, just open up a lil and take a chance. Make a friend. It's always worth the risk.
My dinner's ready and I'm a lil drunk, I'm just bein' honest. So, goodnight to all of you. Hope you enjoyed it.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Enabler
If you walk into my bedroom on your right you'd see a mirror. Tucked into that mirror is an old fortune I once got in a cookie (chocolate chip, of course). The fortune reads "Generosity and perfection are our everlasting goals."
Did you know that even though fortune cookies are served in Chinese food restaurants they have no origin in China? They actually started as a marketing thing outta California. Invented by a white guy as a kind of appetizer. See people'd come in and get their cookies and have a lil mysterious note give 'em a piece of advice and talk 'bout it. Nuthin' to do with the blog today but i find it to be an interestin' lil fact.
I like fortune cookies. I enjoy the taste. I like havin' a lil sumthin' to talk 'bout after dinner. And on occasion they have decent advice. Generosity is an everlasting goal for us. We can never give enough. We take a lot of the world's resources just by existin', we should use what we can to give back what we can. No reason to hold onto money other than in the event of an emergency or maybe some for your kids to misuse and depend on. I don't need twenty-billion dollars unless I'm gonna use it to help other people. I'm survivin' on less than twenty-grand a year and that's with two jobs and an Associate of Literary Arts. I could use more to be more comfortable but I know I can live without it. So if I could make twenty billion and survive comfortably on say seventy-five thousand, that's a lot left over to do some real good.
I talked to Dad the other night. I love our conversations. I wish all of you could have your own sit-down with him. Sixth-grade education and probably the smartest man I've ever met. His advice has never failed me. He was a lil drunk this night and still made all the sense in the world.
The conversation really started when he began to complain about certain burdens in his life. He's carried a lot of people for a long time. He owns a business after all, and with the nine people he employs that's several different families he's got the burden of providin' for. For some of these people he's been an enabler.
An enabler is the guy that gives the crackheads a means to survive with their crack addiction so they never hit that rock bottom and get themselves better. He allows people to survive while livin' in a way that's self-destructive. It's no good I explained to him. It's why he's about to be sixty and has no nest egg to retire on.
While he was drinkin' he brought this up again. He said he was proud to be an enabler. He was proud that he's had the means to support so many people. He's proud that he has been a pillar of strength for his friends and family. He's proud that he's had enough success to spread his wealth around, even if he suffers for it.
He went on to talk about George Lopez. It didn't make sense at first but it does now. I dunno if you saw it or not but they had Sandra Bullock on that talk show he does now. She said she wanted to be more latina and so they did a makeover for her. She came out in dickies and a white tee-shirt with a long sleeve plaid shirt only buttoned at the neck, heavy lip and eye liner, and an overall chola look.
Latina ain't the same as chola. Latino ain't the same as cholo. George Lopez has made a career and a fortune by sayin' that these things are the same. He is probably one of the most widely recognized Latino celebrities in the world and he says, "We are all ignorant gangsters, full of machismo bullshit, and we don't need or want any respect." with his perfomances. Granted, I think he's funny. But he doesn't do anything to help his people. Maybe he doesn't want to. That's his right. He doesn't have to. But I'd have to say it's like havin' Richard Pryor get up on stage and sayin' "We're all niggers and it's okay that you see us that way." Jeff Foxworthy gettin' up on stage and sayin' "We're all ignorant hicks that sleep with our cousins." It is a slap in the face to his people. It encourages a stereotype.
Lopez gets up on stage and talks about how Erik Estrada didn't help him any and didn't give him an autograph, but I fail to see where Georgie boy does anythin' but pokin' fun at his heritage for the sake of mass appealing to some audience. By doin' that he's worse off than Estrada. He's not helpin' anyone but holdin' people down.
In the 80's they had a show. It wasn't particularly realistic in the sense that it dealt with a high class family. I know that sounds pretty average today but back then it was a big thing. A doctor for a dad, a lawyer for a mom, kids that did funny things and never dealt with real world problems like teen pregnancy, or financial crisis. It was a hit show not because it portrayed these people as they would really be but as they could be. Guess the name of the show yet? Cosby ringin' a bell?
If you want people to move up in the world you don't show 'em their flaws you show 'em how good they could be. People start believin' a story if it's told enough. Of course it'd take work. Education has to be important. People need to be made aware of their opportunities. The opportunities have to be there. That dream is the most important thing though. People have to have that to believe in.
My father believes his role in this was to offer opportunities to people. He took his chances and did the best he could with what he had. He so far has ended up a lot better off than where he started. With his help he believes he can help others move up in the world too. He believes it's his duty as a person with a lil bit extra to use that extra to help others.
He treats his workers well. He tips well. He uses his sixty years of experience to offer the best advice that he can. He has a tremendous load upon his back. He likes it there. It's all he can do. He is an enabler through and through.
Did you know that even though fortune cookies are served in Chinese food restaurants they have no origin in China? They actually started as a marketing thing outta California. Invented by a white guy as a kind of appetizer. See people'd come in and get their cookies and have a lil mysterious note give 'em a piece of advice and talk 'bout it. Nuthin' to do with the blog today but i find it to be an interestin' lil fact.
I like fortune cookies. I enjoy the taste. I like havin' a lil sumthin' to talk 'bout after dinner. And on occasion they have decent advice. Generosity is an everlasting goal for us. We can never give enough. We take a lot of the world's resources just by existin', we should use what we can to give back what we can. No reason to hold onto money other than in the event of an emergency or maybe some for your kids to misuse and depend on. I don't need twenty-billion dollars unless I'm gonna use it to help other people. I'm survivin' on less than twenty-grand a year and that's with two jobs and an Associate of Literary Arts. I could use more to be more comfortable but I know I can live without it. So if I could make twenty billion and survive comfortably on say seventy-five thousand, that's a lot left over to do some real good.
I talked to Dad the other night. I love our conversations. I wish all of you could have your own sit-down with him. Sixth-grade education and probably the smartest man I've ever met. His advice has never failed me. He was a lil drunk this night and still made all the sense in the world.
The conversation really started when he began to complain about certain burdens in his life. He's carried a lot of people for a long time. He owns a business after all, and with the nine people he employs that's several different families he's got the burden of providin' for. For some of these people he's been an enabler.
An enabler is the guy that gives the crackheads a means to survive with their crack addiction so they never hit that rock bottom and get themselves better. He allows people to survive while livin' in a way that's self-destructive. It's no good I explained to him. It's why he's about to be sixty and has no nest egg to retire on.
While he was drinkin' he brought this up again. He said he was proud to be an enabler. He was proud that he's had the means to support so many people. He's proud that he has been a pillar of strength for his friends and family. He's proud that he's had enough success to spread his wealth around, even if he suffers for it.
He went on to talk about George Lopez. It didn't make sense at first but it does now. I dunno if you saw it or not but they had Sandra Bullock on that talk show he does now. She said she wanted to be more latina and so they did a makeover for her. She came out in dickies and a white tee-shirt with a long sleeve plaid shirt only buttoned at the neck, heavy lip and eye liner, and an overall chola look.
Latina ain't the same as chola. Latino ain't the same as cholo. George Lopez has made a career and a fortune by sayin' that these things are the same. He is probably one of the most widely recognized Latino celebrities in the world and he says, "We are all ignorant gangsters, full of machismo bullshit, and we don't need or want any respect." with his perfomances. Granted, I think he's funny. But he doesn't do anything to help his people. Maybe he doesn't want to. That's his right. He doesn't have to. But I'd have to say it's like havin' Richard Pryor get up on stage and sayin' "We're all niggers and it's okay that you see us that way." Jeff Foxworthy gettin' up on stage and sayin' "We're all ignorant hicks that sleep with our cousins." It is a slap in the face to his people. It encourages a stereotype.
Lopez gets up on stage and talks about how Erik Estrada didn't help him any and didn't give him an autograph, but I fail to see where Georgie boy does anythin' but pokin' fun at his heritage for the sake of mass appealing to some audience. By doin' that he's worse off than Estrada. He's not helpin' anyone but holdin' people down.
In the 80's they had a show. It wasn't particularly realistic in the sense that it dealt with a high class family. I know that sounds pretty average today but back then it was a big thing. A doctor for a dad, a lawyer for a mom, kids that did funny things and never dealt with real world problems like teen pregnancy, or financial crisis. It was a hit show not because it portrayed these people as they would really be but as they could be. Guess the name of the show yet? Cosby ringin' a bell?
If you want people to move up in the world you don't show 'em their flaws you show 'em how good they could be. People start believin' a story if it's told enough. Of course it'd take work. Education has to be important. People need to be made aware of their opportunities. The opportunities have to be there. That dream is the most important thing though. People have to have that to believe in.
My father believes his role in this was to offer opportunities to people. He took his chances and did the best he could with what he had. He so far has ended up a lot better off than where he started. With his help he believes he can help others move up in the world too. He believes it's his duty as a person with a lil bit extra to use that extra to help others.
He treats his workers well. He tips well. He uses his sixty years of experience to offer the best advice that he can. He has a tremendous load upon his back. He likes it there. It's all he can do. He is an enabler through and through.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
The Truth
Okay boys and girls, here's the truth: I fucked up.
Plain and simple that's what happened. Lot of you already know what I'm talkin 'bout so I won't go into further detail. I made some mistakes. If you already know about it that's 'cause it affected you or someone you care about. If you don't it's most likely 'cause you don't need to. There are prolly even a few that'll find out later that I'm a bastard. Those of you that have no idea what I'm talkin' bout, you just sit tight and hang in there 'cause I'll get to you in a few.
Now, like I said, I screwed up and made some mistakes. I'm sorry I did what I did. There are a dozen different excuses I could give about my emotional trauma, my weaknesses, or my moral lapse but it doesn't change that I've hurt some of you. I acknowledge that right now a few of you think very lowly of me. I don't really think that highly of myself right now either so I understand completely. I hold no grudges against those of you that aren't really behind me right now. Those of you that do stand behind me (that's a short list) I thank you for that.
Here's another truth: Though I'd like to be forgiven by all of you I know that some are gonna hold it against me as long as they can remember. Well, there's really no one's forgiveness I need other than my own.
Perhaps that seems harsh to say and I don't mean you mean nuthin' to me but I'm the only one I have to live with and odds are I'm my harshest critic anyway. Most of you will have forgotten long before I do. I can guarantee that. In my head I'm the devil himself and much worse. I've convinced myself of that years ago. I know all the things I've done wrong, I know the few things I've done right. I know that no matter what I do I can always do things a lil bit better. I hear from other people that I'm a good person. But I can never allow myself to really believe it. If I did I'd be an arrogant prick 'stead of a selfish bastard.
I donated my long hair to Locks of Love to make wigs for cancer patients. I donated blood more than ten times in 2009. I raised just shy of $800 for March of Dimes (largely of my own money).
In 2008, I may have ruined the lives of 5 people (including mine) for years to come by makin' several mistakes. I reached a point where I didn't really wanna live. I can't make up for that no matter how much charity I do.
I will give you the shirt off my back, I will do anything I can to help someone, and perhaps it's all just because I've wronged someone else or think I'll wrong who I'm helpin' in the future. I do my best to be perfect because I know all too well that I am not.
The final truth I have to offer you today is this: We all fuck up sometimes. (This is the part for those of you that don't know what I did wrong and are prolly bored by now 'cause the first part didn't pertain to you.)
Obviously, I do. I'm sure all of you do too. Now while it has to be okay to make mistakes, we must not let ourselves fall into a pattern of makin' the same mistake over and over again. I covered a lot of this on my last blog (mostly out of guilt). It's still important to remember that. Failure comes for all of us as surely as death. We have to make ourselves that much more immortal and move on.
The part about movin' on has always been hardest for me. I'm incredibly hard on myself. I'm in my head thinkin' of every reason why I messed up and doin' all I can to make myself better than I was. But what I rarely take the time to do is forgive myself. My soul wears every mistake like a scar. Forgiveness from someone else may take its time but it'll come as long as you do right. If it doesn't it doesn't really matter.
I've never been forgiven by someone and instantly felt relieved of a mistake I made. I can't live my life lookin' for people's approval for what I do. I'd be livin' somebody else's life if I did that. I can't have someone tellin' me every move to make. I can't have people watchin' me constantly and takin' notes. I gotta do the best I can with or without their approval. I gotta trust myself to make choices that don't end with people gettin' hurt. I gotta do things in a way that I approve of. I gotta be able to forgive myself in order to trust myself to make those decisions.
I don't like it when I make mistakes. I don't like it when people disapprove of me or what I do. As much as I would like the approval of others I can't live or die by it.
But I do promise you that I work to make myself better all the time, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I work hard so I can be as close to perfect as I can so that if you or anyone else should ever need me, I'll be there for all of my friends and as much of the rest of the world as my shoulders can bear.
I never wanted to disappoint any of you. I'm sorry for the mistakes I've made and the ones I've yet to make. I want to be perfect, I want to be reliable, and strong, and caring, and everything good anyone could need me to be. But I will fall. I will fail in this. I'm not perfect. I can't be there for all of my friends. I can't be there for every stranger in need. I can't be everything good.
But I'll do my best.
Plain and simple that's what happened. Lot of you already know what I'm talkin 'bout so I won't go into further detail. I made some mistakes. If you already know about it that's 'cause it affected you or someone you care about. If you don't it's most likely 'cause you don't need to. There are prolly even a few that'll find out later that I'm a bastard. Those of you that have no idea what I'm talkin' bout, you just sit tight and hang in there 'cause I'll get to you in a few.
Now, like I said, I screwed up and made some mistakes. I'm sorry I did what I did. There are a dozen different excuses I could give about my emotional trauma, my weaknesses, or my moral lapse but it doesn't change that I've hurt some of you. I acknowledge that right now a few of you think very lowly of me. I don't really think that highly of myself right now either so I understand completely. I hold no grudges against those of you that aren't really behind me right now. Those of you that do stand behind me (that's a short list) I thank you for that.
Here's another truth: Though I'd like to be forgiven by all of you I know that some are gonna hold it against me as long as they can remember. Well, there's really no one's forgiveness I need other than my own.
Perhaps that seems harsh to say and I don't mean you mean nuthin' to me but I'm the only one I have to live with and odds are I'm my harshest critic anyway. Most of you will have forgotten long before I do. I can guarantee that. In my head I'm the devil himself and much worse. I've convinced myself of that years ago. I know all the things I've done wrong, I know the few things I've done right. I know that no matter what I do I can always do things a lil bit better. I hear from other people that I'm a good person. But I can never allow myself to really believe it. If I did I'd be an arrogant prick 'stead of a selfish bastard.
I donated my long hair to Locks of Love to make wigs for cancer patients. I donated blood more than ten times in 2009. I raised just shy of $800 for March of Dimes (largely of my own money).
In 2008, I may have ruined the lives of 5 people (including mine) for years to come by makin' several mistakes. I reached a point where I didn't really wanna live. I can't make up for that no matter how much charity I do.
I will give you the shirt off my back, I will do anything I can to help someone, and perhaps it's all just because I've wronged someone else or think I'll wrong who I'm helpin' in the future. I do my best to be perfect because I know all too well that I am not.
The final truth I have to offer you today is this: We all fuck up sometimes. (This is the part for those of you that don't know what I did wrong and are prolly bored by now 'cause the first part didn't pertain to you.)
Obviously, I do. I'm sure all of you do too. Now while it has to be okay to make mistakes, we must not let ourselves fall into a pattern of makin' the same mistake over and over again. I covered a lot of this on my last blog (mostly out of guilt). It's still important to remember that. Failure comes for all of us as surely as death. We have to make ourselves that much more immortal and move on.
The part about movin' on has always been hardest for me. I'm incredibly hard on myself. I'm in my head thinkin' of every reason why I messed up and doin' all I can to make myself better than I was. But what I rarely take the time to do is forgive myself. My soul wears every mistake like a scar. Forgiveness from someone else may take its time but it'll come as long as you do right. If it doesn't it doesn't really matter.
I've never been forgiven by someone and instantly felt relieved of a mistake I made. I can't live my life lookin' for people's approval for what I do. I'd be livin' somebody else's life if I did that. I can't have someone tellin' me every move to make. I can't have people watchin' me constantly and takin' notes. I gotta do the best I can with or without their approval. I gotta trust myself to make choices that don't end with people gettin' hurt. I gotta do things in a way that I approve of. I gotta be able to forgive myself in order to trust myself to make those decisions.
I don't like it when I make mistakes. I don't like it when people disapprove of me or what I do. As much as I would like the approval of others I can't live or die by it.
But I do promise you that I work to make myself better all the time, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I work hard so I can be as close to perfect as I can so that if you or anyone else should ever need me, I'll be there for all of my friends and as much of the rest of the world as my shoulders can bear.
I never wanted to disappoint any of you. I'm sorry for the mistakes I've made and the ones I've yet to make. I want to be perfect, I want to be reliable, and strong, and caring, and everything good anyone could need me to be. But I will fall. I will fail in this. I'm not perfect. I can't be there for all of my friends. I can't be there for every stranger in need. I can't be everything good.
But I'll do my best.
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