The Truth

Okay boys and girls, here's the truth: I fucked up.



Plain and simple that's what happened. Lot of you already know what I'm talkin 'bout so I won't go into further detail. I made some mistakes. If you already know about it that's 'cause it affected you or someone you care about. If you don't it's most likely 'cause you don't need to. There are prolly even a few that'll find out later that I'm a bastard. Those of you that have no idea what I'm talkin' bout, you just sit tight and hang in there 'cause I'll get to you in a few.



Now, like I said, I screwed up and made some mistakes. I'm sorry I did what I did. There are a dozen different excuses I could give about my emotional trauma, my weaknesses, or my moral lapse but it doesn't change that I've hurt some of you. I acknowledge that right now a few of you think very lowly of me. I don't really think that highly of myself right now either so I understand completely. I hold no grudges against those of you that aren't really behind me right now. Those of you that do stand behind me (that's a short list) I thank you for that.



Here's another truth: Though I'd like to be forgiven by all of you I know that some are gonna hold it against me as long as they can remember. Well, there's really no one's forgiveness I need other than my own.



Perhaps that seems harsh to say and I don't mean you mean nuthin' to me but I'm the only one I have to live with and odds are I'm my harshest critic anyway. Most of you will have forgotten long before I do. I can guarantee that. In my head I'm the devil himself and much worse. I've convinced myself of that years ago. I know all the things I've done wrong, I know the few things I've done right. I know that no matter what I do I can always do things a lil bit better. I hear from other people that I'm a good person. But I can never allow myself to really believe it. If I did I'd be an arrogant prick 'stead of a selfish bastard.



I donated my long hair to Locks of Love to make wigs for cancer patients. I donated blood more than ten times in 2009. I raised just shy of $800 for March of Dimes (largely of my own money).



In 2008, I may have ruined the lives of 5 people (including mine) for years to come by makin' several mistakes. I reached a point where I didn't really wanna live. I can't make up for that no matter how much charity I do.



I will give you the shirt off my back, I will do anything I can to help someone, and perhaps it's all just because I've wronged someone else or think I'll wrong who I'm helpin' in the future. I do my best to be perfect because I know all too well that I am not.



The final truth I have to offer you today is this: We all fuck up sometimes. (This is the part for those of you that don't know what I did wrong and are prolly bored by now 'cause the first part didn't pertain to you.)



Obviously, I do. I'm sure all of you do too. Now while it has to be okay to make mistakes, we must not let ourselves fall into a pattern of makin' the same mistake over and over again. I covered a lot of this on my last blog (mostly out of guilt). It's still important to remember that. Failure comes for all of us as surely as death. We have to make ourselves that much more immortal and move on.



The part about movin' on has always been hardest for me. I'm incredibly hard on myself. I'm in my head thinkin' of every reason why I messed up and doin' all I can to make myself better than I was. But what I rarely take the time to do is forgive myself. My soul wears every mistake like a scar. Forgiveness from someone else may take its time but it'll come as long as you do right. If it doesn't it doesn't really matter.



I've never been forgiven by someone and instantly felt relieved of a mistake I made. I can't live my life lookin' for people's approval for what I do. I'd be livin' somebody else's life if I did that. I can't have someone tellin' me every move to make. I can't have people watchin' me constantly and takin' notes. I gotta do the best I can with or without their approval. I gotta trust myself to make choices that don't end with people gettin' hurt. I gotta do things in a way that I approve of. I gotta be able to forgive myself in order to trust myself to make those decisions.



I don't like it when I make mistakes. I don't like it when people disapprove of me or what I do. As much as I would like the approval of others I can't live or die by it.



But I do promise you that I work to make myself better all the time, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I work hard so I can be as close to perfect as I can so that if you or anyone else should ever need me, I'll be there for all of my friends and as much of the rest of the world as my shoulders can bear.



I never wanted to disappoint any of you. I'm sorry for the mistakes I've made and the ones I've yet to make. I want to be perfect, I want to be reliable, and strong, and caring, and everything good anyone could need me to be. But I will fall. I will fail in this. I'm not perfect. I can't be there for all of my friends. I can't be there for every stranger in need. I can't be everything good.



But I'll do my best.