The Crown

As many of you already know, I got promoted. I am currently a supervisor. Not a high rank in the store but certainly not the lowest of lows. I started this job foldin' clothes around the holidays one year. A friend of mine worked for the company so I went up there to hang out and earn a few bucks. I was asked to stay on. They put me in customer service. I loved it.

I'm built for customer service. It's the area where people come to you with a problem and you make it all better. Lotta those people were pissed by the time they came to me and it's a great feelin' to get somebody that's ticked off and have 'em leave smilin'. I know the job inside and out. I've been doin' it a total of 4 years now. I've done things a supervisor or a manager would do. I'm sure I can handle the task.

The only thing I'm really concerned about is bein' a leader. Dad's a leader. I'm largely too passive for such things. I care if somebody's hurt or wronged but other than that I'm okay with everybody doin' their own thing. I was never a team captain. I was a boxer. Just me in that ring to take on a problem. I take what problems I see and deal with 'em. No delegatin', no pushin' anybody but me.

I suppose Dad was the same way at one time. He's not one to stay on your ass. But somehow he just leads as naturally as a fish swims. As far as I can tell it's the way he's always been. It'd be weird to think of him as say a 6 year old that was afraid of frogs and had trouble tying his shoes. I think of him and I see somebody more like John Wayne, George Patton, or King Leonidas. In a different world, he'd have been a king or a general. He speaks and people listen. He strikes fear when neccessary and is a loving father when that's needed. He is wise even beyond his 60 years. He isn't perfect. His plans aren't always the best, they change every 20 minutes according to the circumstances. That's part of being a good leader anyway though, I figure.

He's a good leader because he is confident and decisive and can adapt to change quickly. These are things I or any other bum can learn to be. I'll be damned if those are easy things to learn. And even if you can be these things it's also gotta be about who's willin' to follow you.

I have a brother that wants to be a leader and while he's confident and smart and good with customers, he's not very good with co-workers. He doesn't seem to respect them so they don't respect him. They will refuse to follow him when his time comes.

On the other hand, I find myself havin' problems with one particular employee. The others follow me farely well, so far. But one girl shows no initiative to get anything done and no talk or reminder or reprimand seems to help. She only seems interested in coming to work and collectin' a check. She's young, I suspect she'll grow out of it. Maybe not with us, but someday.

I ask my bosses for advice and the only thing I seem to hear is to lead by example. I say that's bullshit. I know, and have worked with, plenty of people that don't follow anybody's example no matter how hard they work. People that come to work to work are gonna work. Everybody else is just there to collect a check. I think the trick to convertin' those that just want a check into good workers is to make them believe not only that they can do the job but that you know it and want them to succeed. It's not showin' 'em what they're doin' wrong and how much better you can do it. It's showin' they can be just as good and havin' 'em believe it whole heartedly.

But really, I got no idea what I'm doin'. I just do what I can and make the calls the best I can. I'm already wearin' the crown, just gonna have to grow into it. Maybe one day I'll be thought of as a good leader by my kids. Maybe they'll wonder if there was ever anything I was afraid of. Was there anything I couldn't do? Hopefully, when I tell them yes and that I worked hard to be better and struggled to be a confident and competent leader they'll believe me and grow into confident and competent workers.

Those Damned Words You Say to Me

I'm good at what I do. I think I'm good anyway.

I write. I work. I do what I can for everyone else and there's not much left over for me or June to enjoy. I try to do all I can. Even then it's not always enough. I just can't be everywhere all at once. Even more so now with my department dependin' on me. I'm tryin' to be a good leader and all I get is responsibility with no actual time to lead or teach.

I'm still tryin' to promote to those that ain't readin' while tryin' to get published. Thanks, to those those of you that tell your pals about me by the way, I appreciate that. It's a hard life that Devil-Woman left me with. I still work a lot. There's even less time for writin' now which, for lack of a better word, sucks.

But you know I can deal with a lot. I can deal with my own death. I can deal with my failures. I can deal with a lack of sleep. I can deal with damn near anything thrown my way. But I can't deal with those flames the Dragon uses against me.

I don't need to be told I'm screwin' up. I don't need you tellin' me I'm not good enough. I don't need anybody micro-managin' me. Those damned words she uses that cut like a knife swung wildly. Just a wildfire of all the things that went wrong in her life, all the things I've done wrong, all her hate, all her dissatisfaction burnin' right to my soul.

I don't need all that. I know what I'm doin'. I'm grown enough to know when I've screwed up. I'm grown enough to know when I've done well. But it woulda been nice to hear sumthin' to that effect from her growin' up.

No "good job" or "well done" for me. Always "I could do that" or "Yeah, but...". Never has she read anything I've ever written. She called my drawin's scribbles. She's stabbed me with a fork. She's told me all mothers love their first born most and I ain't the first born. If I did something nice for her I could've done it better. If I didn't do it, there was a three-minute lecture about why I should've. I graduated without any comment from her. I got my Associate's degree without any comment from her. I got promoted without her sayin' a damned thing.

I don't need a mother to approve of anything I do. I'm grown. I do my best. I'm far from perfect. But I'm closer than she is. To hell with the rest.

She's too old to change. I don't have the patience anymore to try and get her to. I understand why she does what she does. That and a drive to do my best is all I need. Nobody's ever gonna be happy with everything I do. Thanks for teachin' me that. I doubt, though, that a lot of other people learn that there's somebody out there that isn't gonna like anything I do.

Taps

I read through a book called The Quarter Life Crisis once. Helped with some issues I was havin'. Was all 'bout how you gotta find a balance with bein' young and gettin' older. Gotta be able to enjoy life while realizin' it ain't all roses and it ain't all roses for anybody.

Somewhere in that book it asks what's the next undiscussed crisis for people of a certain age. The answer the authors came up with was sumthin' of a three-quarter life crisis. The crisis of watchin' your lifelong friends die and waitin' around to die yourself.

Hell of a thing, losin' friends.

Life hurts so much a lot of the time 'cause it feels like that's all you're doin' is losin'. But you always gotta know that you had sumthin' to lose. That doesn't make it any easier to let things go, I know, but it's sumthin'.

All the times you had, good and bad. All the love, all the memories, it all sticks around. Appreciate that when you can. Let yourself hurt when you can't.

People always wanna think they can't feel. That it's weak to be able to be hurt. It's not. It's human. We ain't stone. We bleed, we cry, we laugh. Let it out. Let the world know you loved somebody. Let them all know the person who died was a person worth bein' missed. Tell those that never met him that they missed out on meetin' the greatest person that ever lived

The greeks used to take about a week to mourn a person. The whole town would get involved and drink and play games and mourn in his honor. Now we take half a day off of work to go and have to leave again. That's not what a friend deserves.

When my friends die, it'll hurt like hell. When my brothers die, it'll break my heart. When my dad dies, it'll break me. They all deserve my pain when they go. Like a tribute of misery.

Eventually, it gets better. From time to time it may even feel as fresh as the day you lost them. But it always gets better. Easier to deal with. Don't expect it to heal nice and clean like a papercut. If they were important it's more like a jagged stab wound that heals better than you thought it would.

We could all go at any minute. No one is promised a long life and even the long ones still end. No fear to be had in that, just truth. Make the most of the time you got.