Those Damned Words You Say to Me

I'm good at what I do. I think I'm good anyway.

I write. I work. I do what I can for everyone else and there's not much left over for me or June to enjoy. I try to do all I can. Even then it's not always enough. I just can't be everywhere all at once. Even more so now with my department dependin' on me. I'm tryin' to be a good leader and all I get is responsibility with no actual time to lead or teach.

I'm still tryin' to promote to those that ain't readin' while tryin' to get published. Thanks, to those those of you that tell your pals about me by the way, I appreciate that. It's a hard life that Devil-Woman left me with. I still work a lot. There's even less time for writin' now which, for lack of a better word, sucks.

But you know I can deal with a lot. I can deal with my own death. I can deal with my failures. I can deal with a lack of sleep. I can deal with damn near anything thrown my way. But I can't deal with those flames the Dragon uses against me.

I don't need to be told I'm screwin' up. I don't need you tellin' me I'm not good enough. I don't need anybody micro-managin' me. Those damned words she uses that cut like a knife swung wildly. Just a wildfire of all the things that went wrong in her life, all the things I've done wrong, all her hate, all her dissatisfaction burnin' right to my soul.

I don't need all that. I know what I'm doin'. I'm grown enough to know when I've screwed up. I'm grown enough to know when I've done well. But it woulda been nice to hear sumthin' to that effect from her growin' up.

No "good job" or "well done" for me. Always "I could do that" or "Yeah, but...". Never has she read anything I've ever written. She called my drawin's scribbles. She's stabbed me with a fork. She's told me all mothers love their first born most and I ain't the first born. If I did something nice for her I could've done it better. If I didn't do it, there was a three-minute lecture about why I should've. I graduated without any comment from her. I got my Associate's degree without any comment from her. I got promoted without her sayin' a damned thing.

I don't need a mother to approve of anything I do. I'm grown. I do my best. I'm far from perfect. But I'm closer than she is. To hell with the rest.

She's too old to change. I don't have the patience anymore to try and get her to. I understand why she does what she does. That and a drive to do my best is all I need. Nobody's ever gonna be happy with everything I do. Thanks for teachin' me that. I doubt, though, that a lot of other people learn that there's somebody out there that isn't gonna like anything I do.