That Big Bad End

A dusty road in the middle of a shanty of a town.

Little more than old boards and rusty nails on the flat landscape.

Two figures heated with sunlight and aggresion stomp towards one another. Fear is in them both. Not a fear of each other. They hate each other, at least at the moment. A small argument between big egos creates one hell of a rift. A rift that can only be sealed with a searing hot metal. Anything else would only be logical.

Doesn't matter anymore who's right or wrong. In the blinding hot sun, neither can see only one could ever be called a winner. And it's neither of the participants. It's a rigged game they play. This one goes or that one does. Doesn't matter to either of them. The machines are in place, well-oiled, and ready for use. They feel heavy in a hand. As efficient as they are at what they do they never feel quite right in a hand. Not good to hang on to that power for too long anyway.

Then it's time. The dispute has to be settled. It's not like in any movie. No quick draw seen from seven angles. No woman to win, as if they could ever be. No halt, stumble, and fall. This scene is insanely sloppy and thunderously loud. Speed, violence, and poorly dispensed power whistle through the air. Some of it strikes the intended targets, some thrashes the scenery, still more strikes those completely uninvolved.

Blood splatters. Bone splinters. One has already gone, too small to be seen by anything but a fleck of metal and her mother. Breathing is made difficult. Hard to move anything, the bodies are so weak. Tears well up from strained eyes. Pain comes along to torture those still gasping for air. More pain than either bloodied figure ever expected. They're being pulled from this world tooth by tooth, or at least that's how they feel. Losing a bit of themselves day by day. A bit of blood, a bit of flesh, a bit of love or maybe respect from a family that doesn't understand why, all wasting away. They gain a fever and gangrene. They begin to understand that they won't be walking away from this or anything else anymore. How much life was left for them to live? How much better could they have done by their children? What comes next?

That ravenous vulture is taking his time coming. Coasting, unseen, for any prey he may take first. After three days, they beg for release. He comes after seven. Still unseen he takes them for his own, same as the girl, same as countless others before. Their argument is long forgotten and only Death has gained anything from the experience.

Bully

My dad told me a story once and I didn't understand it at first. I thought I did. Then I was tellin' the story to somebody else years later and it finally hits me. All of a sudden I get it. That's the way a story is supposed to work.

It was an old story. You've probably heard it or some variation of it. Something like there are two dogs fightin' inside a fella. One's good, the other's evil. Which one wins? The one I feed the most.

I was like eight when I first heard that one. I took it pretty literally, thinkin' it was obvious. As I got older the meanin' of the story changed a few times to me. Maybe each of those translations was right in its own way. Then I told it to my brother and that's when it struck me that the deeds done in a person's life were his dog's food. So, whatever good or bad you do feeds other people's good or bad opinion of you. Which dog wins? That's the sum of all your good or bad deeds, what are they gonna say 'bout you when you're dead?

You think you're the hero of your story. When you tell your story you tell it in a way that makes you look good. You fought the good fight, you defended your honor, you withstood adversity. Sometimes that's exactly how it happened. Sometimes you just told yourself that's the way it was. What if the stories other people are tellin' are true? Maybe you're just a bully, a monster. Maybe you only tell yourself you're the hero 'cause you couldn't stand to live like that.

I had a friend over a few nights ago. A good guy, bit of a slacker in high school, but funny and relaxed. Good guy. Well, he comes over and he and the wife get along, that's good. We talk and laugh and tell stories. All about how things are goin', what's happened since high school, and high school.

I remember high school fondly. I felt like crap a lotta times 'cause of the usual you know: Not enough friends, not enough dates, too stupid to get an A. But there was a lot of fun to be had too: Parties, girls, doin' stuff you shouldn't. Overall it was a lot of fun. Time of your life, as they say. Nothin' was very serious.

As we reminisced it came to light that I was sumthin' of a dick back then. I did stupid things to people that didn't deserve it. I said mean things to people without thinkin' or because I was tryin' to be funny. A lot of people thought I was shy, quiet, and nice. Not everybody thought that though.

My June, who has been fortunate enough to me only as the hero of my own story, couldn't believe I had done some of those things, that I'd played such a villainous part. I'd been just as mean and cruel nd stupid as any bully to some people. But I'd all but forgotten it. I pushed it to the back of my mind. I'd done even worse after high school. I started down a muddied path and found it only got muddier.

I met June about the same time I was tryin' to turn things around, so all she's ever seen was me givin' blood, raisin' money for charity, and tryin' to do some good. But I'm glad she saw a lil of that ugly side too, so she understands a bit more about why I want to be better than I am. I hope that when we have kids all they'll know of my time as a jerk is one sentence, "Your dad was kind of a jerk in high school but he sure grew out of that."

It's important to have friends like that around, I think. What he said was no lie. It didn't paint me in the best light but that's the way it happened. I'm glad I had someone to remind me of the failures I'd forgotten. I'm glad I know people that can be honest with me and tell me that everything I do isn't always the right thing. When I falter, when I make those mistakes, I don't want cheerleaders ushering me toward damnation, I want someone to slap me back to my senses. I don't want to live in a bubble of all the wonderful things I've ever done. It sounds nice but when someone tells you that you're being unjust and all you can do is look at them with hate, you better question yourself before you throw that first punch.

Coming Attractions...

I'll start with an apology: sorry I haven't written in a while. I have been actually, just not here. I'm working on a comic, short stories, poetry and all the usual. Busy, busy, busy.


I even wrote something for you guys and then it got eaten by the bastards of technology and files that are for some reason incompatible and blah, blah, blah. Anyway this is what you get now...

Things to come:

The Sons of Brazil is my first attempt at makin' a comic series completely and 100% solo. I did a few crappy comic strips in highschool that got canned before the end of the year I was wanting to have the first issue finished today, but I suck. I have a few pages done but not nearly enough to call a whole issue. So because I suck you get this and I'll post that first issue as soon as It's all done. I'd expect that to be around January.

Now the part where I don't suck. The Sons of Brazil draws it's title from the novel The Boys from Brazil. Case you haven't read that, scientists clone Hitler and try to recreate conditions that would create a new leader for the Nazis.

In The Sons of Brazil, scientists clone quite a few celebrities in an attempt to control the fate of the world. Two of these clones, Jesus and Hitler, find out their destiny and want nothing to do with it. The two instead go on a series of misadventures from job hunting to being deported to being part of a drug raid to engaging in an outrageous orgy (or two).

I'm usin' these two to tell a twisted, crazy, satirical story that hopefully is amusing enough to make you pee a little. I'm tellin' a story that will hopefully leave everyone offended and make you reconsider the way the world works.

Perfect Blue is my latest short story. It's about an imperfect and immortal man. A man as flawed as anyone, mistakenly drinks a mysterious solution that he finds to grant him immortality. He and his flawed personality make their way and mistakes through life. He goes from a family man to a drug-abusing, sex fiend to a widely respected father figure and scientist. This strangely immortal man even saves and destroys the world, indirectly.

I was listenin' to Dan Auerbach's solo album one day and the image came to me of this large blue man, something like Dr. Manhattan, and then that contrasted with the image of a resentful old man. I started thinkin' about how hard it is to make the right choices in life and and how it's much easier to get a few things right in a short time span than it is to live a long life and come out lookin' like a saint. I also touch on a few things like our dependency on oil and how a good idea can be taken and warped into something horrid.

I'm also writing more poetry but I don't really see a point in tellin' you about that in such detail. I may post those before too long to make up for my absence here. Speakin' of which, I'm glad a lotta you guys haven't run out on me. I appreciate any comments, likes, or reading that you guys do. I know writing isn't as flashy or as easy to absorb as a picture or a song and in this day and age it's still not that cool to read for fun but I love those of you that do.

Anyway, thanks for readin' I'll write again asap.

Ashes

In case you ain't heard, there's a bit of a dry spell here in Texas. Brush fire's kind of a son of a bitch. Gets so dry and hot the grass catches fire like you'd have poured gasoline all over the landscape. People are losin' homes all over the place. Animals out there dyin' and losin' their territory. Not so much of that to go around as it is. Firefighters have been bustin' their asses to get the situation under control. They will, eventually. That's just the first step though. People still gotta get up and dust the ashes off their lives. Same with any tragedy.

I'm obviously a fan of westerns. Lotta great one's out there: The Outlaw Josey Wales, Unforgiven, 3:10 to Yuma, The Magnificent Seven, and Lonesome Dove, just to name a few. Western movies often feature characters that are looking for revenge or justice. A cowboy has a wrong done to him or hears of a wrong bein' done to some defenseless and innocent types so he sends bloody hell flyin' from his pistols to set things right. People like westerns 'cause they were all about this lawless frontier where a man could take the law into his own hands and do what a man's gotta do. Modern life ain't so simple. Even less simple if what did a body wrong was nature. No getting' revenge for brush fire. All you can do is salvage what you can and help each other out. Show a lil sympathy for those that lost anything in the fires. That situation is a might harsh, particularly when our economy is on its knees as it is. People that didn't have much are losin' what lil they had. You know they want a way to make it right. They have a right to be angry and sad and hurt. If you happen to be a lucky one like myself and all you've seen of this destruction is smoke, you ought to be sympathetic to your fellow man and help him as best you can. Find out where you can donate food, clothes, or money. Give a hug if that's all you can afford.

Comin' up real soon is the anniversary of another big loss, one the U.S. went full Eastwood on to get revenge. A few extremists with a plan that worked ran planes into the twin towers, the pentagon, and the last one went down before it could hit its intended target. Nearly 3,000 people died that day. Countless other lives were ruined. Even more injured or dyin' as a result of those attacks. A decade of war and lookin' for that revenge. Blood for blood. Spendin' a lot of cash and usin' up a helluva lot of resources to find one man and any man that might've helped him commit such an atrocity.

There's no doubt that what was done was unthinkable. It changed the average American's way of life at least for the last decade. It's split our nation into those that want revenge and those that think the revenge was an excuse for oil execs to go play cowboys and indians with the winner gettin' an ocean of oil. We've sent our boys to go over and die. They did right by us. They got Bin Laden. They got Saddam. They're gettin' as many of the bastards as they can. But it'll never stop. We fight a war on terror. We fight fear. There's no winnin' that. Fear is an idea. It's a method used when a group can't fight fair against our armies and tanks. They oppose America because they are afraid of what it has done in the past and what it could do in the future. We oppose them because after ten years, we're still just as afraid of them as we were that dark September mornin'. It's essentially the same fear they have.

Maybe the spread of Democracy in the region could save a lot of lives there, maybe we could make the quality of life better for those people, but we'll kill ourselves doin' it. We're already broke. We've already lost a lot more lives than we did on that one day. But our revenge has already been taken. Now we've gone into the homes of our villains, took what we liked, and told their wives and children, “We're the good guys, we're A number 1, and you should do as we say or we'll do to you what we did to them.” With that philosophy is there a wonder why we're still goin' on this revenge trail alone? Our allies ducked out of this years ago. They could see where we were goin'.

Losin' ain't the kinda thing that comes a lotta folks. You lose your home, you get angry, you cry, you rebuild with help from your friends and family. You lose your friends or family, you get angry, you cry, you move on with help from the friends and family you have left. Western movies and the idea that revenge has to be taken seem nice because it's what everyone wants. You want to pick up that gun and kill somebody back. You want them to pay for what they've done. You wanna kill him, his wife, his dog, and burn his house down. Ask any soldier that has taken a life, it's not the kind of thing everybody can do or should do. Ten years later and we're still doin' the same ol' things, you wanna be fightin' the same war in ten more years?

Work Ethic

I started workin' when I was 12. Technically illegal in this country, but it was never like child labor. Dad thought the best way to keep me out of trouble and to teach me the value of a dollar was for me to work. It definitely helped. I never got in much trouble while my neighbors sold drugs and the like. I didn't fight much outside of the ring. And I knew that if I got paid 5 dollars an hour, which I was, and I wanted a bike that cost 100 dollars that bike was gonna cost me 20 hours of my life. I had to question whether that bike was worth half my work week. A body gets pretty tight with its money when things cost you your life instead of a simple, “Daddy, can I have it?” The country is in trouble because there are thousands of people that don't know the value of a dollar or how to live within their means. People get credit cards to pay for things they can't afford. They spend money they should put into savings. Some just have no idea what it means to not have money to pay for things.

A lot of our parents, or our grand parents, had it rough and in an attempt to make our lives better they worked hard and worried about money and sacrificed so we wouldn't have to. Unfortunately, a lot of us turned out to be spoiled brats that never went hungry and can't sympathize with people that have. Both my parents were poor. Dad grew up a farm boy in Iowa, Mom was a middle child among eight on a small ranch in Mexico. Dad left the sixth grade to work the fields and has been bustin' his ass ever since. Mom came to America with a second grade education to work her ass off and be mistreated. Whatever burden came upon them, it was only themselves they could rely on. Flat tire, new shoes, long-distance phone calls, and broken bones all had to be dealt with pay check to pay check. There was no callin' on their folks to lend a hand. Dad gave up his savings so his family could buy enough coal to survive the winter instead of buyin' a car. Mom got calls from Mexico with her parents lookin' for her help to keep the lights on or to clothes on her siblings. Growin' up we didn't have it made but it certainly wasn't that harsh. I had parents that could afford to pay me for a pitiful effort at actual work and encouraged me enough to build that weak try into a full blown workin' machine. I had parents that gave a damn enough not to give me everything I wanted and made sure I appreciated what I had.

My parents like a lot of others out there worked hard to make sure their kids wouldn't have to drop out of school. They pushed themselves so that their kids wouldn't have to work as hard as they did to make ends meet. They wanted their kids to grow up and become doctors or lawyers. We were supposed to grow up and at the very least do pretty well. But what happened to a lot of us was that we got lazy and greedy. There are some that grew up used to not havin' to push so damn hard that they just don't know how anymore. It's so easy to say you're tired and not push yourself. It's easy to take it easy. People want things to be easy. They want everything and don't want to put in all their effort for it. Then they wonder why it is that they can't seem to catch a break. This kid shows up to work at a job he hates and does what he's asked but doesn't get anywhere. Anybody can show up and do a half-assed job. You want a raise, you want a promotion, you better make sure you deserve it. Be the kid that shows up a few minutes early, the one that volunteers to take on new tasks. That kid is the one that'll impress a boss.

A lot of people think that because they have a lil money or because their parents are somebody that they're somebody too. They feel they're entitled to the best and the easiest. They think that trickle down economics works for more than pissin' on the poor. They feel like they should have all this money to do whatever they want and that by rich folks like them havin' cash in the bank, it creates jobs. It's as if them takin' a trip to Paris or opening up a department store somewhere that they've just brought our economy back to life. Sure, you give a few folks a job and maybe even build a few jobs around that store you opened but you still work those people to death and pay 'em shit. Holdin' money is about as good as holdin' a loaf of bread. It won't do anybody any good unless it's bein' used. Money needs to be shared. Scholarships need to be given. Charities have to be there to help, so should you if you get the chance and somebody else has the need. Me and my friends would go out to dinner or the movies or whatever and I'd catch one week and they'd catch the next. I have no clue if I spent more money or they did. I wasn't left broke from those times I helped them. I certainly didn't break them. If you thought of all the homeless, all the poor, all those in need as your friends I don't think anybody would hesitate to be more generous. When you bring in more than 200 grand a year whats a few hundred bucks to help a friend?

That's a double-edged sword too, being charitable. You only got a penny in your pocket you're better off collectin' the few you get in a pickle jar for that misfortune comin' your way. Better off keepin' 20 bucks in your savings than ordering a pizza. Better off saving 500 more than buying a new HD TV when your kid should be goin' to college next semester. When you don't have a lot of money you need to be smart with it. Credit cards aren't another source of income, they're another bill to pay. I hate credit cards with a passion. The concept is ridiculous: you don't have 50 bucks so they lend you that if you pay another 5 in interest and another 5 for a monthly fee but then you still don't have the full fifty so they add late fees and more interest so now you owe 75 you still don't have. It's a way for you to stay in debt. Instead of paying the 50 and being done you can only afford to pay 10 each month for the rest of the year and now they've made a huge profit off of money you could've saved.

There are several rules that come with money. A certain strategy that comes with bein' broke or havin' plenty. Only by playin' it smart can everyone hope to get a lil further in life. Maybe I'm kinda Commie in in the way I treat money. I'm okay with that. I want to share what I have. If you came to my door step hungry, I'll feed you what I can give. I can't starve in order to feed you but I'll do my damnedest to make sure you don't go hungry. If we'd been playin' it smart instead of tryin' to screw each other or thinkin' somebody’s better than anybody else, maybe this country wouldn't be as broke as it's about to be. Spread the wealth, spread the love.

Godless

Anders Behring Breivik lit up a political camp for kids in Norway with what he believed was righteous gun fire. No such thing as righteous gun fire, you know. Never will be. 77 dead. Guy did it because of his extremist right wing and Christian beliefs. Some on the right feel like his “Christianity” is being thrown around to bash all Christians. Jon Stewart had a short segment about how the right threw the “Godlessness” of the left around to bash them.

I'll tell you this: I have no God. As a child I never questioned God because it was just so certain back then. Magic was real. Good and Evil existed and there was a clear division between the two. People were destined for great things. If you worked hard people would appreciate you and help you get to the top. You could be anything you wanted no matter how much money you didn't have. I didn't know enough of anything to see the strings and seams of the universe. I couldn't explain how life showed up on this planet, so it must've been God right?

The first problem I noticed with my religion was that it said God has a plan for everyone. I'd see people livin' under bridges, kids gettin' killed, lives bein' ruined by accidents and no matter how I looked at these things I couldn't see a just God writin' out destinies for people to live this way. If God could do anything, why not give us infinite resources? Or resources that didn't destroy this world? Or do away with people that want to destroy the world? Why include evil in the design of the universe at all? Why not save us with a single wink to right all wrongs?

As I got a bit older, I found my own beliefs differin' from the beliefs laid out in many religions. I can not tolerate the ideas that females are inferior or that homosexuals are evil. I love movies, reading, and music, so I couldn't live without entertainment. I enjoy shrimp and pork. I can't love a God that asks people to do crazy things, like nearly killing Isaac, to prove their devotion to Him. I can't believe that this wonderful, creator of everything would allow a devil to ruin Job's life, even if he got everything back and then some, Job's children died and Job suffered unnecessarily. Jesus turned water into wine but I'm not supposed to drink? I figure the Catholic church seems to have an awful lot of fancy robes and buildings for a bunch of people that have surrendered all of their worldly possessions in the service of their Lord. I could go on for a while findin' what's wrong with all kinds of religions accordin' to me. It's easier for me to explain again: I have no God.

As an atheist I have an advantage over anyone followin' any doctrine: I decide for myself what is right and what is wrong. This may make life difficult sometimes because I have to consider what my best and most righteous option is. But my advantage is that consideration though, I have no book to look to for generic answers to all of life's problems. Abortion, cheating on a math test, drug addiction, music and film piracy are not moral quandaries specifically addressed in any religious text. I do my best to make the best decisions I can without the instructions of God or any person with their own ambiguous intentions. Clearly, I get it wrong sometimes. Just like anybody else I make a bad choice, I fall into temptation, but I do my best to do right. I don't hide behind any book or use it to lift myself above others. I'm no better than anyone. I just make my own choices. I weigh my options. I think for myself.

I first told my friends that I did not believe in God while we were swimming in a pool, you'd have thought I peed in it the way they all backed away from me. It was as though I had told them I had a plague. It was a little shockin' to me that these intelligent people that I'd known for years would be fearful of me for my lack of faith. It comes with the territory of any belief. Even my belief that there is no god whatsoever comes with this fear from some believers that don't understand my thinking. My thinking put simply is that a god doesn't make sense to me. I've seen some weird things and I believe there are things that we can't explain yet but I'm pretty sure that one day we will. When we do I do not believe “God” will be the answer.

I believe in bein' as kind to people as a person can be. I believe in gainin' as much knowledge as a person can. I don't believe that not believin' in a god makes me evil. If your God is opposed to me or people that believe what I do, well, me and Him weren't gonna work out anyway.

The End of an Era

Life never takes you where you think you're headed. It gives you all the bumps and detours it can to get you wherever the hell you wind up. Life ain't made to be easy. The natural state of things is conflict. Always one side tryin' to get over on the other. Someone always makin' a move that's better for them and worse for you.

Someone made a move against me that made them a lotta money and cost me my job. I made a move to make more money and work fewer hours, meanwhile, it left my department without a leader. It was better for me but not for them. It's not what I wanted to do but what I had to do to survive. I hate havin' to leave them but the ground got ripped out from under me. It was a wonderful team of people I had workin' with me and I feel like I let ém down.

Big corporations will always be concerned with the number of dollars they make and never the number of lives they break. I now work with my family. Same business we've had since '88. It bought my clothes and my food. It saved my ass more than twice and taught me how to work too hard. I live my life influenced by my father and the way he handles his business. This place is home.

I look back a few months and I can see a day when I come into work after a racist white girl has already called a man a nigger and a woman a bitch. All they could do was walk away from conflict, surrender the ground and their pride to customer service. Got a call yesterday, man says we have no right to fly an American flag on a Latino owned business, he got a tongue lashing for his trouble. The natural state of things is conflict and I ain't gotta run from it anymore.

Things ain't the same as they used to be. More and more people are without work. The ones that have work to do are gettin' their hours or their pay cut. Whatever happened to one person bein' able to get a quality education through high school so he could get a job, work 40 hours and have enough to live on? Somebody squeezed all the independent thought they could out of the American people to create this bastardized version of the American dream.

Used to be if you worked hard you could be anything you wanted. Now, it seems no matter how much you work you won't ever have enough. There's no limit to what you have to do and you gotta do it all all alone until you work yourself to death. You need a need a high school diploma, need a bachelor's, need a master's, need loans, need a good job, so does your spouse, need 2 cars, need a big house, need some credit cards, need insurance, need better clothes, need nicer things, need to quit bein' lazy, need to quit complainin'. All you want is to live.

It's a hard life right now and pointin' fingers won't help. It's not just Obama, it's not just Bush, it's not just Clinton, there were bad decisions made for the last fifty years or more that put us in this corner. It's gonna take fifty years of good decisions to get us out. Good leaders don't make plans for a day they make them for years with back-ups and strategies all ready to be put in place. No plan ever goes exactly as it should but we gotta think big. Why bother with a high school diploma at all if you haven't learned enough by then to do anything but take a test?

This era of good enough for now needs to end. We need an era of good enough for all. We need people interested more in new ideas and inventions than facebook. We need people more interested in reading than tanning. We need people at the top that care about the people at the bottom. In America, we need a dream that's worth workin' and livin' for, maybe even one that nobody'll ever have to die for.

You know who you are

Before you, my heart beat without a purpose. It was a steady drum without a song. No reason to go on except to find you. You know who you are. You are the love of my life. You are the woman determined to be my wife.

I could try and talk you out of it but it wouldn't do any good. You know who you are and where you want to be. I'm lucky 'cause where you wanna be is standin' next to me. I couldn't tell you why. I look in the mirror and all I see are the things I hate in others in me. But it's not my job to know or understand why you love me. That's your suicide mission, to love me til you die.

You are the woman holdin' the ladder to my success. You're the one that'll help me succeed where the others pushed me down. I give you my strength and you make me stronger. Every move I make, I make with our nation of two in mind.

I love you more than I could anyone or anything else in the world. Every day I wake up with you beside me is a chance for me to be my whole self, my best self. You know who you are. You are my better half. The half I will always love. The half I will always forgive.

My Father's Son

Damn hard time in the nation, pockets empty, not much work for a body to do, and the gap between the rich and the poor just keeps widenin'. Feels like we're 'bout to lose control of everything.

I'm bout to get canned like Late Show ham, did you know? Guess I coulda taken their offer of $4 an hour less and 20 hours less a week, but that seemed a piss-poor deal to me. I ain't gonna let a damn company strip me of my title, pay me less, and have me help somebody else do what I already know how to do. I ain't getting' fired. I ain't steppin' down 'cause I suck at my job. People there seem to love me. Doesn't matter though. New plan to make some rich people richer by saving on overtime and insurance. I don't matter to them and regardless of how anybody feels about it I'm goin'.

I'm glad to have had the job at all. I wasn't much of a leader before but I know I can do it now. Maybe I'm not the best at it yet but I'm better than I was. In the end it just seems to boil down to havin' a plan of action and dealin' with the changes to that plan. I've learned to do that. That's how I know that even if I'm getting' canned I'm gonna land on my feet. I'll work with my dad full time and collect my severance pay. I'll use what contacts I have to get my princess a job so the work load isn't all on me. If not I'll find sumthin' else to do. I shouldn't have to hard a time findin' work. I ran my dad's business for months, I've been a supervisor, I've worked customer service for over four years with the same company, I have my associate's degree.

My father only had a sixth grade education. He grew up poor and always worked hard. With that modest bit of education and a determination I haven't seen in many men, he's built an empire. He runs a rather successful business that keeps several families fed and has provided his children a better life than he had. He can go just about anywhere in this town and be respected, trusted, and well known. He's lived a hard and colorful life. He's been through hell and conquered it. My dear June likes to say He's the most interesting man in the world.

In my toughest times, I don't wonder what Jesus would do, I ask myself what my dad would do. His spirit is close to mine that I almost always know exactly what he would do. I'm glad for that. I feel that when I do my best and I try my hardest I just about become him. I'm my own man but I feel I'm fit to be a suitable substitute for that greatest of all men. I hope that when I'm a father my children will look up to and respect me the way I do him.

It's because of him that in these tryin' and desperate times I know I'll be okay if I use my head and work hard. If my June will hold the ladder I'll climb it to the top. I am my father's son and I will endure and survive and succeed.

Mrs.Jones

The world is always changin' you know. That's the way it's meant to be. Bin Laden is dead. I'm engaged and livin' with my fiance. Still broke though. The more things change...

We're all still broke I figure. Spendin' money on wars. Talk of a new war to make four. What's 1 more? Kinda wish somebody'd just be a man and say, “yeah, we fucked up” and get outta there already. Of course it ain't that simple. Never is. People dyin' over a thing, gonna be a big hurt if it ain't for sumthin' important. Prolly a good reason to make sure we have a reason to send the boys off to die. A full tank of gas ain't worth throwin' my life away for. Fattenin' the pockets of somebody else don't seem worth it either. But here we are. Killin' and dyin'. Killin' and dyin'. Killin' and dyin'.

Even if a man goes to war and comes back whole he's still gonna have a hole in him. All the death and destruction and the bombin' and the blood, that's gotta do damage, more so than you can see. The news treats it like it's just numbers and statistics. We just destroyed a family's home. We just lost Mrs. Jones her only son. It's not a game with a score card. Wars like the ones we're fightin' aren't as clear cut black and white as som would like to think. It's not the good guys in white against the villains in black. It's a struggling empire lookin' for resources held by poorer nations that don't want a starbucks on every corner and don't agree with bein' used up just to be forgotten. The poorer nations fight back with sneak attacks and threats to innocents. Nobody's a good guy in that story. Both are just desperate to keep their way of life.

Wanna know what to get a mother for her day? Bring her back that son that got sent to war. Bring back the boy she taught to tie his shoes, the one that used to play with his Tonka trucks in the driveway. Bring back the boy looked to her for comfort. The one that she helped turn into a man.

Of course there are patriotic reasons to join the armed forces. There are a dozen others besides that. But no mother raises her son to be a killer or to hide his pain in a bottle. A mother wants her children to grow up and be happy and healthy. War is made to kill and break the spirits of those who were once those children.

Things I Don't Know 'Bout Love

In this world there are lots of things I know nuthin' about. I'm bad at math. I don't know how to make bread. I don't know how VHS tapes worked. I'm smart enough to get around and get into trouble but what I and just about everybody I know can't get a grip on is love. Everybody's in it. Nobody can define it. And everybody gets offended if you say theirs ain't real. How do you know when you're in love? When do you find love? How do you make love last? Ionno... I thought I'd been in love before. Now I have a different opinion on those “loves.” I think the best way to really understand love is to look at your family. Most families have a lot of love in them. Love between siblings or parents is different from romantic love but it's still love. You can have a brother and he is gonna be your brother forever whether you love him or hate him or treat him bad or good. Death won't stop it. Change in distance won't do much to it. But love isn't as indestructible as people make it out to be. In movies and books you can find instances where love moves the universe, saves humanity, makes people do the right thing, and all darkness ceases to exist. Love itself is a scary thing. So, no it's not true that love will beat and over power anything. In fact, it can be the reason for a great deal of trouble. Fall in love with the wrong person and you could spend years committed to someone that won't love you back. Fall in love with the right person and you still might fight like you're gonna kill each other. Love is like most things: takes a lot of work and a lot of losses to get it right. I'm with a girl that I love. You know how I know? I just do. It's that simple to me and that inexplicable to you. It feels different than those other “loves”. The only difference I can really explain is that this feels permanent. I can see forever with her. I know that we'll fight, that I'll mistreat her, that she'll mistreat me but in the end I know we'll work it out. That's the hard part about love. You gotta talk feelin's. You gotta be honest and upfront. You gotta recognize you don't own the other person and that the things that piss you off are often the things you love about that person. Without those bits of work and understandin' love will never be true. I met her when we had two classes back to back. I talked to her in both and walked with her to these classes. I was so heartbroken at the time I couldn't see anything but my own anger and sadness. She saw that and somethin' clicked in her that said I was the one. She knew right away. I fought it long and hard because I didn't want to be in love. I was afraid of bein' hurt again. Eventually, she broke down all the walls I had built up. She got me to realize and admit that I loved her. She fought her way into my life and my heart. She lives there now. I couldn't be happier with all of our adventures. We sneak into pools that shouldn't be locked away from us anyway. We sneak into overpriced movies. We drink til we laugh or cry dependin' on the occasion. We sing awesome songs to each other. We tried runnin' out on our dinner tab...and failed. We chase each other down in the streets of Galveston and hide in bushes. We moved into a cozy lil apartment together. We will travel the world and see what it can offer us. We are young and vibrant and amazing and in love. That's what love is. It happens when it happens, whether you're ready or not.

You Got a Right

I read somewhere, I can't remember where, that the left is defined as being concerned with the rights of people while the right is more concerned with the rights of property. I know that's a very simplified way of lookin' at the situation but it seems to fit. The rights of property mean little to me when compared to the rights of a person.

Not everybody sees it that way. There's a Governor in Wisconson, Scotty Walker, that isn't very interested in human rights. See, the government's been broke for a while, nuthin' new. Who isn't these days? His decision was for union workers to pay in more for their benifits. They'd pay about half of what most pay for healthcare after the change and lose 8% in take home pay. They didn't want it but after bein' threatened with losin' their jobs they decided to talk it out. Wisconsin needs money so they give up their perks. The state gets back a ton of money and the day is saved, right? Well not according to Scotty.

Kid wants to take away the people's rights to collective bargainin'. An important tool for any group that could ever want anything. Walker says the bargainin' could be used against the state to bargain for more money. I kinda figure the idea is to get all those workers their benefits back when the state has a lil money. The way it looks to the workers and quite a few of us in the stands watchin' all this go down is that Walker's just tryin' to bust up unions. It especially looks bad when they got the gov on a recorded phone call discussin' the pros and cons of usin' hired troublemakers to make the union workers look bad.

I understand we gotta save money but the guys that control where to cut are lookin' to cut in all the wrong places. Of course they can't cut from whatever's important to them. They're cuttin' down the union and groups that help women like WIC, Headstart, and Planned Parenthood Mothers and children need help. They are the the basis of the continuation of mankind. The rich bastards paint these mothers and young women as harlots and whores. They act like they never had a mother to begin with.

Fox news bashes the idea of a class warfare, say it's a tool of the left and that it's basically bullshit. What's bullshit is that this small percentage of top earners so clearly controls people in the government that make decisions. You got guys that keep fifty dusty cars they never use in a garage and starvin' people in the same city. Warlords that make billions sellin' or inventin' new ways to put wholes in each other. I hear that these bastards might even be sellin' to the people we're fightin'. You real drug pushers makin' money off of a product that gives you cancer while a substance that makes cancer a bit easier is illegal. You got tyrants that want to control who you can love. Yet homosexuals have somethin' wrong with their minds that needs to be corrected. After you make a certain dollar amount it seems that you stop carin' about the people your decisions make miserable. The closer you get to the bottom earners the more you feel every move the deciders make.

That's all this is. It's class warfare and the haves don't want the have-nots realizin' it. We outnumber them and we control their earnings. They don't want us organized, educated, healthy, or too well paid. They want us sedated with greasy, meat substitutes, and with just enough money to buy things we don't really need when we can barely afford them. They don't want us stickin' up for ourselves. Hard to be a bully when the bullied are willin' to fight back. In northern Africa people are risin' up against things like this. What's goin' on here isn't much by comparison. A few passionate people along with some hard work and protestin' might get the job done.

In Libya with Gaddafi, in Egypt with Mubarak, as well as in several other countries in that part of the world, all that could be done is bein' done. Mubarak locked up a guy for writin' a poem about how he sucked. Gaddafi, from what I understand started out tryin' to be the next Che and wound up some cartoonish supervillain that thinks AIDS is a peaceful virus. There was no way these guys should've stayed in power. Course when you look back you can see the U.S. had a hand in that. The country, just like many if not all others, is run by rich men that look out for themselves. It's how they got to be rich powerful men. Why wouldn't they do all they can to protect their investments? It makes sense but that doesn't make it right.

We all have the right to fight back. We should not suffer while a select few prosper. Stay educated and be aware of what decisions are bein' made. I watched a German film called "The Edukators", and in it is a line that says somethin' like: under thirty and right-no heart, over thirty and left-no brain. I'd rather have no brain than let my success be the misery of others. I am filled with love for my fellow man and I could never deny that. Course I'm still under thirty, may completely sell out after a few birthdays and a few million dollars. I'd doubt it though.

http://articles.cnn.com/2011-02-28/politics/wisconsin.budget_1_wisconsin-governor-wisconsin-protesters-budget-gap?_s=PM:POLITICS


http://voices.washingtonpost.com/plum-line/2011/03/gop_ad_distorts_history_of_wi.html


http://www.thedailyshow.com/full-episodes/tue-february-22-2011-anderson-cooper

One-Shot

Here's the deal, Kiddo: You get one life, one shot to do whatever the hell you want or can do to make your life as good and fulfillin' as it can be. Make it count.

People are gonna hold you down, they're gonna say you can't do that or you shouldn't do that. Sometimes they're right. You shouldn't mess around with hard drugs. Other times they're wrong. Nobody but you can know if college or a road trip is what's right for you. People are always gonna tell you what you do is a waste of time. Quite frankly, it all is really. In the long run, you'll be forgotten. No matter who you are or what you do, you're gonna die. The odds of really succeedin' in the few years you've got are slim to none. You live in a world where you can't make a move without money and if you reach into your pocket all you're gonna feel is a bum's leg.

This is all true. That's as true as it can get. Knowin' that truth, leaves you free to do sumthin'. Without the illusion that you or anyone else is always gonna be right or that anybody but you gives half a shit what you do, you can be free to do whatever you wanna do. Knowin' that it's all gonna be forgotten after your generation's great-grand babies are born allows you to make this life count to you more than anyone else.

I don't mean go crazy and rob everybody or go on a killin' spree. As gloomy as the outlook is for things in the long run you are livin' in your peak right now. You gotta take the time you got now and dedicate yourself to a goal or goals of your choosin' and do everything you can to push and make it happen. No more time to sit on your ass wishin' things would get better. Make every effort you can. Don't do what you're supposed to, don't just give the minimum. You wanna get ahead? Give me all you got and then some.

No excuses. Life's too short to think of reasons why you can't do sumthin'. There are a million reasons why we shouldn't do anything, ever. We know those reasons. It's too hard. I'm so tired. I'm broke. I have to be up early. I don't know if I can. Excuses are for cabooses and that's why they come in last. (Like that? I made it up yesterday. 'Cause I'm a bad ass like that.)

The only way you're gonna make your life shine is when you find a purpose in your life and you dedicate yourself to it completely. Doesn't matter what anybody else thinks. Doesn't matter how hard it is. If it's sumthin' you want, If it's what you believe is your purpose, do it for you and only you. No glory, no change in the world, no money, no chance that anyone will ever even notice. Do it because your life wouldn't be fulfillin' without it, because it's what you want. That is the purest and best reason to do anything.

It's why I've decided to use this year to work my ass off to: finish a graphic novel, finish my book of poetry, get my first book published, keep workin'on this blog, work til I'm out of debt and a well respected supervisor, and keep my June happy. Not too hard, right? Find success in all things?

Spotlight

At a party, I'm the guy in the corner watchin' everybody. I'm a writer. I excpect you know this by now. And as a writer I'm a people watcher. I observe and feel and take notes on actions and reactions. I don't really become the life of the party. I'm not the one to be the focus and entertain. You wanna read my book, buy a copy and read it on your own time. I'm not gonna stop a party or a shindig or a revelry or a jamboree to read it to you. There's a time and a place for these things.

A lotta people love attention. Some people Need it. I know these days its gettin' easier and easier to become a celebrity. You got people doin' creative things and puttin' 'em on the internet and it makes it pretty damn simple to find people like Elizabeth Hinson or White Sails or Aphelion or this ol' devil himself. But then you get people like Snooki or that balloon boy or about half the people on youtube that just want people to pay attention to them and think anybody gives a shit about what they got to say. Making a clear distinction here, I know nobody gives a shit what I got to say. I'm a writer, I tell stories whether anyone is listenin' or readin' or not. I do this to get better at writin' and gain a lil bit of exposure. But hardly anybody reads.

Anyway, You gotta wonder what it is that's wrong with this generation that all it can do is focus on gettin' their fifteen minutes of fame. You got girls filmin' their sex lives to be famous. You got people actin' like assholes to get a lil money. You got all these young people whorin' themselves out to anybody with a camera and a dollar. To feel special? To be the center of attention? To feel loved?

There's one helluva pit in you if the only thing you can fill it with has to come from someone else. You ever ask yourself why you play the puppy? Why is it you need the attention? Can you stand bein' alone? Does the silence bother you? Do you miss someone? Do you need someone?

If there's a problem with any of that own up to it. 'Cause it shouldn't be that way. You should be able to spend a weekend alone and not drive yourself crazy wantin' sumthin', especially if you don't know what it is. I figure a want for attention comes from issues with a person's parents. Mommy or daddy ain't around and a kid can turn to all kinds of things to fill the void left by his absence or lack of attention.

I'm not immune to 'em. I like a lot of female attention 'cause my mom all but hates me. Least that's the way I feel about it. The hellbitch managed to work that against me. Not that it was hard to do. Now I'm broke. To say it's all my mom's fault would be unfair. I'd come to the realization long before but hell I still haven't done much about it. All I can do is realize it gives me a self-destructive nature and that I don't need the attention of anyone else to feel good about me. I'm pretty fuckin' awesome and you can kiss my ass if you don't think so.

Tellin' yourself that over and over is a good way to feel good but it'll never replace a parent's love. Just gotta stay on edge and know that you could be workin' against yourself when you strive for attention. Might find yourself in a video where you twist a tragedy into a political ad about how you wanna be president.

You don't need to perform for your friends for them to like you. You don't need the whole world to like you to be likeable. You're good when you have a quiet talk about your day or what book you read last week or even just listening to a troubled friend. Your friends love you whether you realize it or not and you should love yourself.