A Life Worth Living

So last night I was home alone.  My June was babysitting, bringin' in a little extra cash as she does.  I'm glad for it but bein' stuck at home isn't much fun.  I spent the night bein' rather unproductive.  I watched The Simpsons which semi-impressed me for the first time since season 10 and that's being generous really.  Bart was having existential problems.  He couldn't see the point of goin' on with life if he couldn't maintain happiness.  He didn't want to have one big adventure then go back to a normal life and feel like it was bland to what he had experienced.  It's an interesting premise.

As an Atheist, I and other Atheists I have encountered have had a similar problem.  It's hard to say what makes a life worth living without a generic and overly romanticised answer like God or friendship or love or destiny.  I want something I can really wrap my head around.  I want something in life to show someone and say this is what I spent doin' with my time here and damn it I'm proud of that.

God obviously doesn't work for me because I'm a non-believer.  I don't think there is a master plan for humans or Earth.  We do not actually triumph in any recognizable way over a devil.  God crafted no one's destiny to specifically be a beggar or a banker.  God didn't turn people into child rapists anymore than He turned people into police officers.  God doesn't send massive tsunamis anywhere because there is sin in the world.  None of that makes any sense and works in mysterious ways is a non-thinking man's way of just letting it go.

Books and movies would have you believe that when love hits you, you know it and it's perfect and awesome and there is nothing greater.  If that were true I don't think more than half of marriages would end in divorce.  People get a good feelin' about somebody and it's better than any feeling you can remember so it must be love right?  Sometimes the other person is kind of a jack ass and disrespects your siblings or hobbies and wants you to dress a certain way that you just don't feel comfortable with.  Sometimes what you think is love is just something else altogether.  I've had those.  I know plenty of people that have married someone they wish they hadn't.  Love will fool you plenty of times before you find the right one for you at the right time.  When something fools you that often and depends on another person it's hard to say that that's what the entirety of your life should be based on.  I've found love, I believe.  It's not easy to maintain that feeling all the time but we're gettin' better at it every day and I know there isn't a woman that I would trade her for.  I do not however live solely for her nor does she live solely for me.  We are to people that live and we want to be in each other's lives more than we want to be in anyone else's.  We don't know what adventures are coming but I want her to be along for mine and I want to be along for hers and we want adventures that are uniquely ours.  I could write a book on what it might mean to me to be in love but that's not what I mean to do here.  What I'm saying is that love is not the only thing worth living for.  You shouldn't end it all if you don't have nor should you spend your existence searching for a perfect soul mate.  It'll happen or it won't and that you can't do much about except to be yourself in a relationship.

Friendship is similar in that way.  You'd think that all the friends you make in your life are always gonna be there for you no matter what based on a damned Disney movie.  You remember that time we all went searching for some great treasure and all we found was the true meaning of friendship and how we've hung out everyday for the rest of our lives?  That never happened.  Even people that do have a wonderful experience together in real life don't stay in contact.  I went to Costa Rica and had a blast with people I've known for years, I quit talkin' to 'em as soon as we got back.  They were never really my circle of friends and at least one was a jackass. People grow up and turn into different people.  Some mature and have kids and get office jobs while others get stoned all the time and pay their light bill every couple of months and live off of welfare.  A lot of us fall somewhere in the middle.  The two don't always mix well and life gets busy and you move away and shit happens.  Friends are not the only thing that a person can live for either.  They can't make you happy and somedays you can't get a person to go to lunch with you no matter how many you call and it's not 'cause nobody likes you it's 'cause shit happens.  Yeah, if I could eat and not get fat and had time and money, I'd have 30 different lunch dates everyday with people I don't even know because it might be fun but I've gotta work and I will get fat.

Destiny to me is just as stupid as the idea of God.  If I never make it as a writer, it's my own fault.  I'm a bit lazy and could do more than I do now but I don't.  I know I need to.  I feel the urge to and I will.  I'm working on it, right now actually.  If I make it as a writer then that is because I made the choices that advanced my career.  What I will be and what I will do is not up to some destiny written in the stars.  Just like it isn't a bums destiny to be a bum.  He made some bad choices and missed some opportunities.  That's his life but no one sentenced him, before he was ever born, to be poor and out on the street.  Things happen and if you aren't careful bad things can happen to you.  Bad things will happen to you as they do to everyone but there are things you can avoid.  Don't touch that fire if you don't want to get burned.  Don't stick up for yourself if you want to get run all over.  Don't study if you want to be as dumb as a bump on a log.  You make your own damn destiny good or bad it's on you.

So, just what the hell is left to live for if there is no God, and destiny didn't write you in a special part in history, friends may drop off of the face of the planet, and love that fickle bitch may just screw you over? 

It may just be those few breathes of fresh air that make you appreciate bein' alive.  Like that moment when you are happy and proud of what you've done.  Or when you create something beautiful like a poem or a painting or a song that people actually wanna hear.  Or the feeling you get when you conquer your own fear of heights.  When you stand up to the bully that has been pickin' on you all semester.  Getting a date with the person of your dreams.  Whatever you do with your life it had better mean somethin' to you.  There's no sense in playin' it safe and savin' money and eating healthy if there is no spice in your life.  If you do everything as expected and without humor or music or love or your own personal flare why are you doing it at all?  Go out and be your own personal rock star.  Have a conversation with strangers in a coffee shop and make friends.  Tell jokes.  Make love.  Try new things.  Read books.  Watch movies.  Eat ice cream.  Go running.  Go play.  Go to concerts.  One thing alone will never do to make a life complete or happy, not the bible, not a drug, not a lover.  You gotta live life to appreciate it.  Find an adventure in every day.

Heirs to the Throne

Hope you guys had a happy Easter. Mine was good. Spent time with the family and goin' back and forth to Austin. Always a good time in Austin.

Last night I went to see a movie with one of my brothers. It was good I thought. It had a strong plot and the symbolism and family issues were definately there in the subtext. Not enough action for my brother but it was plenty for me.

It was nice to spend time with this brother that I see rarely. We got to talkin' about some serious issues. He was right about a lot of things.

I have known all of my life that I have been very fortunate to have my father. He has always been willing to help me any way he can. My mother, despite being less pleasant, has always been there for me as well. They have given me an advantage over lots of people by just being around and staying together. It has made things easy on me.

I currently work for the family business in an economy where I might otherwise be unemployed. I was able to finish highschool and graduate with my diploma. Of my six other siblings only one of my sisters has a diploma. A few others got a GED and the rest never finished school. These days that can make life hard on a person. I was lucky enough to get some college in as well. I even got my associate's degree. I have never had to spend a night in jail and my record is clean.

My siblings haven't always had the easiest time of things. There have been money problems, substance abuse, emotional problems and jail time. A lot of these can be traced bak to the difficulties their mothers and our father had. Dad's been married a few times and has a very conservative view of women. He's distrusting of them. That's been his experience with many women, they crew him over, sleep with other men, can't be trusted. It's likely that that's been their experience with him as well. So, like a lot of relationships, there's been a lot of hurt and nasty things said in anger. Dad's not one to apologize and I doubt his past wives are ready to dish one out either.

All this drama has created a big divide in these siblings of mine. Some of us are very close, others have grudges, others feel left out. It's not fair to everyone. I love my siblings. There are some I hardly know at all and that's a shame. Brothers and sisters should be the best friends we have in life. It hasn't been that way and our parents and their drama are partially to blame. The other half of the blame falls on us for letting that drama continue on for another generation.

Instead of calling up my brothers to meet me for a beer I sit at home. I don't think to invite them along on a trip out of town or to a special dinner or bowling. I don't do that for anyone really. But if we want this family to succeed and be close we have to make that effort to make each other feel wanted. We have to let grudges go and take responsibility for our parts in what has happened. I've been a jerk plenty to lots of people and not just my family. I think my family is the one group I've spent the least amount of time apologizing to.

I'm the youngest of seven children. I am not close with all seven and I have let them all down at some point or another. I'm sorry for all of that. I'm sorry if our family has had differences that pushed anyone away. I want to hep you through hard times and celebrate good times with you. I'm sorry if you feel I've been treated better than you. I know I've been treated very well. I'm glad for that but sorry that I feel I don't deserve it. I will try to be a better brother to all of you.

If you feel our father isn't good man, I assure you he is. All of his flaws and faults and failures, he's still the best man I know. He is a king in my eyes. We are all lucky to be his children. However, I know he has those same faults and flaws and he still has failed us at times. He is just a man like any of us. He has a lifetime of experience that has strengthened portions of him and damaged others. He is not perfect. He was a long way from perfect when he was young and with age he has closed the gap significantly.

We are the heirs to the throne. What will we do with that? Are we going to do our best to be our best to our friends and family? Or will we let bitterness and disappointment keep us down? We don't have to be our father or our mothers. We just have to do the best we can. We have to be someone we and our children can be proud of. We have to give those kids a kingdom worth inheriting.