Whether or Not

I haven't written in a while.  I haven't done anything I feel is worthwhile or productive in a few weeks.  I feel like none of it matters.  Does anybody read this?  Does anybody care?  Probably not.

Where is this attitude coming from?  I first noticed it with the theatre shooting in Colorado.  That alone didn't put me down but I did feel bad.  I didn't know what to say about that.  What can you say about that?  I feel for the victims.  The shooter was obviously disturbed.  I'm not sure how exactly but I'm curious.  Those are the things we were all thinking.

Then I would watch the news and there was another shooting, and another, and another.  Then Chick-fil-a comes along with their anti-gay stuff and the people around here showed so much support for them.  They even sold out of food completely at one location.  My mother told me about it, I suppose she thought I would think it was cool.  I found it pretty disappointing.  I told her my point of view about how there seems to be a misconception that the Chic-fil-a debate was about the CEO's right to free speech.  I felt the man has a right to say whatever he wants but I won't support a business that takes my money and then uses it to support legislation that oppresses any minority group.  She called me stupid.

All of this combined with the fact that I have virtually no prospects with my writing led me to question a lot of things.  Why write?  Does anyone even read?  Is there an audience for my writing?  Am I the odd man out?  Is the majority of this country right wing religious zealots?  How can I write for an audience like that?

I didn't know how to appeal to an audience like that in a way that I could be happy with.  I was considering giving up writing.  The thought of that made my heart want to break.  I don't want to be a plumber for the rest of my life.  I don't want to just get by.  I don't want to live in the same town I was born in anymore.  I've lived here far too long already.

I can't give up on my writing.  If I did such a thing I might as well walk off a bridge.  I might not get out of here for another ten years but this is the only talent I have that I believe is strong enough to make my dream come true.  If I believe that my best is not good enough then I will break.

I will not break, ever.

I refuse to.  I can not.  I know I have talent.  Maybe I'm no Shakespeare but damn it I'm better than half the authors in a Barnes and Noble.  I have to keep believing in myself.  I can't write for you guys.  I can't expect you guys to love everything I write or anyone to pay attention to it.  I can't expect everyone to agree with me.  I can't expect everyone to have the same opinions as I do.  I've only to be myself and push myself to do the best I can.  I can die unsuccessful, alone, and thought of as crazy for my beliefs.  It's not up to you or anyone but me to find my happiness.  I have to do things for me whether they change the world or not.