My Place in the Universe

We live in a crap society. It's true. The rich keep gettin' richer. The poor struggle all their lives and die. Women aren't treated equally. Neither are minorities. Idiots cover the T.V. with nut shots and sex. No one reads anymore. People are obsessed with possessions. People don't always think about what they do before they do it. We smother our children so they grow up to think they're better than everyone. People are afraid of some hard work. We pollute and destroy the environment around us. We cement everything we can. We don't do a damn thing unless we're paid for it. We charge people everything they have to save them from a disease they wouldn't have if the land they live on hadn't been used to stash radioactive runoff fifty years before they were born. Money we'll kill for and we can't do anything but hold on to it and trade it for crap we don't need. We live in a crap society.

So what's the point of existin' in a place like this? Why would anybody want to live here? Why does anyone get out of bed to do anything at all?

I can't tell you why anybody else does it 'cause quite frankly I don't know. There are plenty of good reasons to lay in bed and think about how miserable life is and how everything sucks and how ain't a thing on this planet fair. In my opinion though, that does absolutely no good.

What good is self-pity? Not a damn bit of good really. Self-pity is selfishness. Pityin' the world doesn't do a thing to change what's wrong with it. You can't complain 'bout the world around you and hope it magically changes. If you ain't doin' sumthin' to make your life or the lives of the people around you a lil better, I'd say you ain't livin'.

It's easy to point out the flaws with anyone's plan but it's much harder to come up with the right answers. Any plan is gonna have it's flaws anyway, kinda what makes it easy to criticize, you know? All we can do is go with the best plan. Maybe we haven't done that. Maybe we've been led to believe we have. I don't have the answers as to what the plan should be. I see what I don't like and maybe if I put enough thought into it or work on these problems I can fix them.

I get outta bed in the mornin' in the hopes that maybe just maybe I can make a little, bitty, tiny, bit of a difference in the world. I realize that may seem stupid to some people but I like helpin' people. I like openin' doors for people when I'm at the post office. I like helpin' little old ladies get the stuff down from the high shelf in the grocery store. I don't mind usin' my day off to help a friend move. I don't mind listenin' to my friends' problems. I have patience with people that need it. I do my best to pay attention to those shy or insecure people like myself that could use a little. I encourage people to do well with whatever makes them happy and successful.

My brother and I were discussin' our place in the universe. We came to the conclusion that we are more or less the protectors of mankind. It would explain our love of fightin', and comic books, and the way we don't like seein' people get hurt. We prevent it if we can. We do our best to stick up for the little guys. Maybe we're wrong and the universe has no place for us and maybe we're terribble at helpin', but we try.

I can't tell you what your place is in the universe. You have to decide that. You know you better than I or anyone else ever could. You know what you like to do. You know what you should be doin' with your life. You have to be the one to give your life meanin'. You have to be the one that says gettin' up is worth doin'.

You have to be the one that says you ain't gonna pity yourself anymore.

Just Not Enough

Today, I'm tired.

I shouldn't be. I tried to go to sleep early last night after several long days. But I spent all night dreamin' bout fightin' off all the monsters my mind could conjure up. I remember zombies and bashin' in their heads with a broken pick axe only to discover a friend had been having sex with one of the dead things and bloody red worms crawlin' outta her unmentionables. Disturbing to say the least. And then there was the hand or at least that creepy feeling that a hand was runnin' up and down my back. That woke me up.

I woke up a few times last night. Always with an uneasy feeling. Wasn't scared really just somewhere between empty and unhappy.

I've been workin' a lot for the past two weeks. 40 hours at one job and about 25 more at the second. On a short day I work 8 hours. On a long day I do about 12. I feel like I haven't had time for much else but I squeeze in what I can during the hours I'd normally be asleep. Time for friends and fun is put late and often has to be cut short 'cause those 12 hour days start turnin' into 16 hour days.

I ain't had enough sleep in a while. I just looked in the mirror and I look like I've got a couple of black eyes with these dark, purplish bags under my eyes. Dad said "Looks like you could carry around baby kangaroos in those things." Said he also had a couple of good whackin' sticks if I'm havin' trouble sleepin'.

I worry 'bout him too. He went to the doc today and they say his plastic knee is splinterin' and jabbin' into his nerves. He's been walkin' with the limp for about a month now and he sounds tired and run down himself. He's workin' to save his business and come next June he'll be 60 years old with no retirement plan I'm aware of. Not much I can do for him though.

Might not have mentioned it to you but Mom is sick too. She's got a tumor growin' inside her. She had one about 8 pounds cut out some years ago but it's been growin' back. She doesn't wanna do chemo or take meds for it. Doc said untreated she might last about 10 years. About 7 years ago now I think.

I'm tired. I feel run down. My back hurts. My feet hurt. I've been yawning pretty constantly for the past couple of days. I feel like I have a low-grade fever and my cough is still hangin' around. The weather doesn't help, its been rainy and a lil cool. I want to sleep now but I still feel empty inside and I'm hopin' this would make me feel less so.

I want to make time for friends and family but quite frankly I can't. I'm going to let someone down here or there. I don't like it. I don't want to let anyone down. But I can't please everyone and I've got people pullin' me in different directions. My mom wants me home before midnight period. My dad wants me home early enough that he doesn't have to worry about me fallin' asleep on the road. I want to spend time with friends. I have to work both jobs if I want to do more than break even with my bills.

I suppose that's what it boils down to. If I want to make a better life for myself, which I do, I have to suffer now. I have to work. I have to make enough money to get rid of my debts and move out of my parents place. Of course there's school too. 8 grand a semester hangin' over me in the future.

I'm going to be 25 in January and still livin' at home. I look at the people around me my own age and I see those that are married and buyin' houses and have already finished school. They have their lives together and I feel like I'm goin' full throttle only to wind up where I was 6 years ago when I graduated. Only now I'm more in debt, older, and fatter. I'm only gonna get older and fatter sooner or later. I know I could've done better with my life and things could've been better for me if I'd made better choices. That's all in the past now and there's not a thing I can do but move on and try not to make them again.

I'm only two weeks into the job and I can handle the work if I can get rest but I want to be there for my friends. I'll have to do what I can but I know in the end for someone it's just not enough. Someone other than me is gonna have to suffer along with me for the mistakes I've already made. I'm sorry for that but I know I'm gonna fall through sooner or later. I'm good but all my strength and effort just isn't gonna be enough.

I am not happy about that or much of anything else right now. The more I think about it the more it depresses me so I just gotta suck it up and do what I gotta do. I can't quit workin'. The people around me are gonna have to suffer the fact that I don't have the time to spend with them like I'd like to. I wish I could be there but I can't. All I can do is work and adjust to the new schedule.

Sorry, if all this is emotional crap that you didn't like. It's therapy for me so :P. Can't tell me what to write. I'll prolly feel different next week anyway.

More in Heaven and Earth

I ain't one to believe in the supernatural. Ghosts and goblins don't typically do it for me. I love a good zombie movie (I love 28 Days Later, Zombieland, and Romero's stuff. And if you dig that read zombie comic Walking Dead by Robert Kirkman. AMAZING!) but all that stuff never struck me as feasible. Now I've heard a few stories and bein' that it's October and Halloween is comin' up I thought maybe I'd share a few of those creepy true stories that I'm just not sure about.

One dark night many, many years ago my grandfather was on his way home and drivin' through Iowa. If you've never driven through Iowa I can tell you that it's a boring drive. Fields as far as the eye can see and very few interesting things to see. I'm sure it was even more so durin' the fifties and sixties.

My grandfather was havin' a hell of a time stayin' awake. He spotted a hitchhiker headin' in the same direction as he was so he offered to give him a lift. The man gladly accepted and they rode and chatted about a few things. My grandfather was asked to pull into a side road that the man claimed he lived down. There wasn't a house for miles and my grandfather was becoming suspicious. He pulled over and asked the man to get out.

The passenger pulled out a knife and attacked my grandfather. They struggled and eventually my grandfather stabbed the man in the center of his chest. After doin' so my grandfather passed out either from exhaustion or 'cause of the beatin' he took, I'm not sure which. When he woke up in the mornin' his truck was in the middle of a cornfield and the man was gone with no sign of blood or anything. What was there in the seat next to him was a knife stuck right where the man's chest would've been.

Maybe he dreamed it all up. Maybe he was drunk. Maybe.

When my father was a young man and living with his parents he had a recurring dream. He dreamt that an old woman would come to his screen door at night and try to open it. He left the door open to get a breeze in the summertime but kept the screen locked to keep out thieves.

He told a relative about the dream he kept havin' wonderin' if it meant anything. What was told to him was that old women appear in your dreams to take you to an undiscovered treasure. This friend said to leave the door unlocked when he went to bed and the old woman could then show him where the treasure was.

So he did. The old woman appeared in a dream and with the screen door unlocked she was able to let herself in. When she did, she pulled a knife from her belt and charged my father. Her face had rotted away and she became infested with spiders and maggots. She tried to kill him but he awoke before she could.

Another instance involving my grandfather took place as he was workin' on a farm. He and several other men had been hired to pick cotton or fruit I'm not really sure which or what state they were in exactly. It happened before my grandfather was married so i suppose it could've been in the forties on any patch of land suitable for growin'. Well when my grand father was hired he was shown around. "These are the outhouses over here. Those are where the bunks where all you boys are gonna be stayin'. These are the trees you'll be pickin' from. And I'll be at the house way over there on the hill if you need anything you boys just come and get me."

The owner went off to his house and the guys started workin'. Night rolled around and the guys headed in to their little shack. They wanted some water for their supper but had used up what they had already. My grandfather was sent to grab a bucketfull from the well one of the guys had seen.

It was dark and my grandfather could only see by the moonlight. He made it to the well before he noticed a woman standing there. She told him the well water was no good here and that he should use the well on the far side of the owner's home. My grandfather thanked her and did as she suggested.

The next mornin' the owner came early to let the workers know that the well closer to the had bad water in it. Somethin' in the water made people sick and he told the workers they should use the one on the far side of his house. My grandfather said, "Thanks, but we already know. Your wife told me while I was up there about to get water from the well."

The man looked surprised, "I don't have a wife and nobody lives near here for miles."

My grandfather went later to search for footprints of a trespasser and only found hoofprints like the ones from a cow where the woman had been standin'.

I dunno that any of these are exactly as true as the people that they happened to believe but those people believe 'em. I don't buy into all this spooky stuff but I've heard that expression ,I forget exactly how it goes but it's sumthin' like, "There is more in Heaven and Earth than we understand." I'll buy that. There are things that fool us and things we believe to readily with no good cause. People believe in the Bible without questionin' it and people trust science and technology more than they should. There are things that neither can truly appreciate and those are the lil gray patches in the world where ghosts and goblins come from. The Twilght Zone, Outer Limits, under the bed, in the closet, in the shadows, there are always things to be feared and misunderstood somewhere.

Helpin' Hands

Today, I begin a new job. Not today exactly, I have to go and fill out paperwork so I can have the job but I'm all but hired. This is my second job. Not second as in I've only had two jobs but second as in I run the office in the family business by day and then I start workin' in a department store by night. It'll give me like an extra $500 a month which is good but I hate that I have to have two jobs.

I have to have two jobs to give myself a lil bit of financial stability. I have a minor mountain of debt to clear out. Four grand on one card, four grand on another, 'bout twenty grand on my car that I owe, plus another four grand if I can't get the Ex to pay the debt she left me stuck with. So, that makes a total of 32 thousand dollars I owe with next to nuthin' to show for it. Not to mention I still need some dinero to go to school on. I figure that costs 'bout eight grand a semester. So, yeah, my meager earnin's with this new job might give me a leg up on a bit of that.

I have to work. Those are my debts to carry. My foolishness with my money. I have to struggle now in the hope that maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to have a better life in the future. Maybe I'll actually be able to move out of my mom's house. Maybe I can have a place of my own. Maybe I can live comfortably one day in a log cabin away from people to focus on my writin' and enjoy nature.

I am gonna bust my ass to make things better for myself. It's no one else's responsiblity. No one should have to take care of me and I do not want to be a burden to anyone. It sucks 'cause it's gonna take up all my time. I prolly won't get to write as much or spend so much time with friends or family or my girlfriend. If I want to live better in the future I have to suffer a bit now. It'll be a little rough but I'm sure I'm strong enough to handle it. I have to be.

It's my debt and my problem to handle. A lot of people in this world don't handle their own problems. They trip themselves up in life and expect others around 'em to pick 'em up. It ain't fair to your friends and family to do that. I'm all about helpin' people if I can. You ever have a problem and need someone to talk to? I'll listen. You need a shoulder to cry on? I've got two. You need help liftin' sumthin' heavy? I've got a strong back. I don't mind offerin' advice or just bein' there if I can. I will not however, sit there and watch you screw your life up, and pick up the pieces repeatedly. I can't live your life and mine. Your problems can't always be mine or any of your other friends'.

Every individual on the face of the planet has to face up to what they've done and deal with what has fallen on their path. You can't just sit on your ass and always expect your mommy to come pick you up and dust you off. Everyone's entitled to a little help every now and then. You can't abuse that help without abuse the friends that give it. It's disrespectful to the lives of those friends to expect them to wait on you hand and foot. By not takin' care of your own problems all the time your sayin' your life and the problems in it are more important thant your friends'. It ain't fair to 'em. Pick yourself up and dust yourself off. Do the best you can with all your problems.

Now, understandably, people run into problems that are just bigger than they are. Sometimes everybody needs a helpin' hand from friends. I do. You do. Your parents have. Your kids will. To be a good friend you gotta be there for those that need a hand too. Help when you can. Even if it's an inconvenience for you put a good friend first once in a while. Don't go broke or ruin your life tryin' to help somebody but throw 'em a bone. Let your friends know they're good friends and that you're there for 'em if they need it. And mean that if you say it. No sense in offerin' a hand just to pull it a way.

I love my uncle very much and though in his youth he has been a help to my dad, in the last thirty years he's been a drunk. He currently has no place to live, no bills to pay, no driver's license, no money, kids he never sees, and barely any clothes. He's made a lot of mistakes in his life and he's owned up to many of them somewhere along the way he gave up. He quit tryin'. He didn't show up to work half the time, when he did he was usually drunk. His speech is so slurred constantly it's always difficult to understand him. He always reeked of cheap Busch beer. He drinks with my dad and when he's had enough it always winds up with him accusin' my dad of bein' some kinda Mr. Perfect and thinkin' of himself as some failure.

I have felt for several years that it's largely my father's fault for carryin' him as long as he has instead of lettin' him deal with the problems on his own. When a person is forced to sink or swim their true strength shows. Sometimes it's enough and other times it's not. But they have to be let alone to do that. People need to take responsibility for their own life. Help them if you can but there's no reason to bail your brother out every day for thirty years. We each have the responsibility to take care of our problems as best we can.

The Mischief Makers

Childhood is a precious, precious thing and it's usually robbed of us long before we should let it go. Childhood is all about innocence. It's s'posed to be the time in your life where you make mistakes, do bad things 'cause they're fun, and know nuthin about the troubles of the real world.

One of my brother's earliest memories is climbin' up on the roof to look for radioactive spiders to bite him so he could become Spider-Man.

My other brother broke into a neighbor's house when he was about ten and found a fire extinguisher. He then used the fire extinguisher to make it "snow" on their front lawn.

I may or may not have possibly stolen a stop sign that may or may not be hangin in my dad's shop.

My dad's first arrest was at the age of fourteen when he and some friends were charged for indecent exposure and starting a fire on a beach. (I don't know a proper term for that one exactly.)

These are all things I'd say are perfectly normal for kids to do growin' up.

At this young age, you're s'posed to go explorin'. Push your boundaries. Get into fights. Find your way into trouble. Do sumthin' so crazy, so stupid, that you're surprised that you survived it. Get scars. Face your fears. Most these things will be unacceptable or taboo after a certain age. Kids should be allowed to be free and wild. They should be cut a lil slack every once in a while. There's nuthin' wrong with bein' free at that age. Hell, we should be free to do that stuff our whole lives but the world gets hold of you and wraps you in its chains. Then you have to be responsible and make good decisions. No more sleepin' in, eatin' tons of junk food, practical jokes, or doin' things that you were never s'posed to do anyway. None of that without payin' a price.

I see these parents today and they have their kids on leashes. Seriously? Like he's a damned dog or monkey to be owned and kept under control? Parents use up all the kids time with karate lessons, piano lessons, school, homework, studyin' and all this other crap. Parents work so much and put this emphasis on makin' money, they pawn their kids off on anybody they can pay to watch 'em for two hours. The kids are then left bein' insecure and irritated by parents that don't know a damn thing bout 'em. They have no free time to be creative and think independant thoughts. We're raisin' kids to be scared, witless, sheep. There's a reason why too few people have original thoughts and ideas. Fifty years ago we dreamed of goin' to the moon and colonizing it. A little over a hundred years ago the industrial revolution was in full swing. We used to have new inventions and ideas pourin' out of us. Now? Twitter? To Hell with Twitter. The internet? The biggest source of information anywhere and we watch some damned keyboard cat on it. Bacon flavored mayo? That just makes me sad for people as a whole.

Kids need a few hours a day to run free and unsupervised. Let 'em grab their bikes and some of the other kids in the neighborhood to go ridin' across town. My friend and I used to walk across town in Texas summers. 104 degrees out and we'd be dyin' when we got there but it kept us fit and we had plenty of time to talk and explore the city. We knew each other and our city very well. We had time to make jokes and laugh and think up crazy ideas. We got creative with the time we had.

Parents are so afraid that their kids are gonna be dumb or crazy or hurt by some other crazy that they keep 'em locked up. Fuck that! You know what happens when you do that? You get some spoiled lil pansy that's afraid of his own shadow and whines about a lil hard work. There are already too damn many of those brats. I for one can't stand 'em. You gotta let your kids out. Let em make mistakes. Let 'em take chances. Let 'em fail from time to time. They can't win everything. You can not keep them safe from everything. You can not keep them from feelin' bad. It's all gonna happen. Let 'em grow up learnin' all this for themselves. Let you kids sprout a pair on their own. Give 'em a chance to grow up independent and strong. Let them be those mischief makes with stories to tell of how they got arrested for sumthin' minor. Let them do sumthin' crazy and stupid. Be there to pick up the pieces. Love your child for bein' the mischief maker she is and let her know everything is gonna be okay 'cause you're there.

As much control as I'd like to have in my life, I know I just can't control every little thing that could go wrong. Plan A never works. Plan B isn't much better. Really, I just consider myself lucky if I can make it through the day without bleedin'.

I figure you gotta take the same approach with eveything in life. Know it's not gonna go according to plan. Know that if you make mistakes it ain't the end of the world. Get up off your ass and fix 'em to the best of your ability. This all starts in childhood. As a kid you gotta learn how to handle your mistakes and failin's. Kids need to know its okay to make mistakes. No one is born perfect and no one ever reaches that point. All you can do is think for yourself, make the best choices you can, and learn to pick up the pieces.

But then what do I know about parenting? I only did it for a bit. (Plus I been drinkin' a bit today. Max won't stop handin me beers. I think I'm on number 4 now. Lots more to go.)