Just Not Enough

Today, I'm tired.

I shouldn't be. I tried to go to sleep early last night after several long days. But I spent all night dreamin' bout fightin' off all the monsters my mind could conjure up. I remember zombies and bashin' in their heads with a broken pick axe only to discover a friend had been having sex with one of the dead things and bloody red worms crawlin' outta her unmentionables. Disturbing to say the least. And then there was the hand or at least that creepy feeling that a hand was runnin' up and down my back. That woke me up.

I woke up a few times last night. Always with an uneasy feeling. Wasn't scared really just somewhere between empty and unhappy.

I've been workin' a lot for the past two weeks. 40 hours at one job and about 25 more at the second. On a short day I work 8 hours. On a long day I do about 12. I feel like I haven't had time for much else but I squeeze in what I can during the hours I'd normally be asleep. Time for friends and fun is put late and often has to be cut short 'cause those 12 hour days start turnin' into 16 hour days.

I ain't had enough sleep in a while. I just looked in the mirror and I look like I've got a couple of black eyes with these dark, purplish bags under my eyes. Dad said "Looks like you could carry around baby kangaroos in those things." Said he also had a couple of good whackin' sticks if I'm havin' trouble sleepin'.

I worry 'bout him too. He went to the doc today and they say his plastic knee is splinterin' and jabbin' into his nerves. He's been walkin' with the limp for about a month now and he sounds tired and run down himself. He's workin' to save his business and come next June he'll be 60 years old with no retirement plan I'm aware of. Not much I can do for him though.

Might not have mentioned it to you but Mom is sick too. She's got a tumor growin' inside her. She had one about 8 pounds cut out some years ago but it's been growin' back. She doesn't wanna do chemo or take meds for it. Doc said untreated she might last about 10 years. About 7 years ago now I think.

I'm tired. I feel run down. My back hurts. My feet hurt. I've been yawning pretty constantly for the past couple of days. I feel like I have a low-grade fever and my cough is still hangin' around. The weather doesn't help, its been rainy and a lil cool. I want to sleep now but I still feel empty inside and I'm hopin' this would make me feel less so.

I want to make time for friends and family but quite frankly I can't. I'm going to let someone down here or there. I don't like it. I don't want to let anyone down. But I can't please everyone and I've got people pullin' me in different directions. My mom wants me home before midnight period. My dad wants me home early enough that he doesn't have to worry about me fallin' asleep on the road. I want to spend time with friends. I have to work both jobs if I want to do more than break even with my bills.

I suppose that's what it boils down to. If I want to make a better life for myself, which I do, I have to suffer now. I have to work. I have to make enough money to get rid of my debts and move out of my parents place. Of course there's school too. 8 grand a semester hangin' over me in the future.

I'm going to be 25 in January and still livin' at home. I look at the people around me my own age and I see those that are married and buyin' houses and have already finished school. They have their lives together and I feel like I'm goin' full throttle only to wind up where I was 6 years ago when I graduated. Only now I'm more in debt, older, and fatter. I'm only gonna get older and fatter sooner or later. I know I could've done better with my life and things could've been better for me if I'd made better choices. That's all in the past now and there's not a thing I can do but move on and try not to make them again.

I'm only two weeks into the job and I can handle the work if I can get rest but I want to be there for my friends. I'll have to do what I can but I know in the end for someone it's just not enough. Someone other than me is gonna have to suffer along with me for the mistakes I've already made. I'm sorry for that but I know I'm gonna fall through sooner or later. I'm good but all my strength and effort just isn't gonna be enough.

I am not happy about that or much of anything else right now. The more I think about it the more it depresses me so I just gotta suck it up and do what I gotta do. I can't quit workin'. The people around me are gonna have to suffer the fact that I don't have the time to spend with them like I'd like to. I wish I could be there but I can't. All I can do is work and adjust to the new schedule.

Sorry, if all this is emotional crap that you didn't like. It's therapy for me so :P. Can't tell me what to write. I'll prolly feel different next week anyway.