Destroyer

I started off wantin' to write sumthin' positive. But at the moment I just can't bring myself to. I still carry massive amounts of hope in my heart and the situation isn't bleak but there's sumthin I'm not so happy with. I'm not really sure what it is. I'll figure it out sooner or later.

In the mean time, I'm left feelin' sumthin' I try not to feel very often. Like a tiny black flea I feel it scratchin' and clawin' and bitin' at me. I can't help it. It's there. I try to contain it but I can't right now. I felt great a few days ago and then for the past few days it's slowly dug its way in. Hate. That's what it is. At nothing in particular. But still at everything.

Everyone talks about hate like it's something casual, like it's common or even okay to hate. "I hate onions." "I hate purple." "I hate my math teacher." That's a strong dislike. And probably with good reason. Math is hard. Purple isn't everybody's favorite color and it's not always flatterin'. But real hate is sumthin' I hope you all never have to feel.

I've felt it.

I know it.

And because I have, I'm left feeling a bit broken. Perhaps broken hearted.

About three years ago, I was datin' a girl. She was an interesting character. Odd in unimaginable ways and very pretty. Never was she a boring person to be around. She was the kind of person you had to think like if you ever wanted to understand what she was doin'. She didn't want to graduate though she was in her senior year and doin' fine in her classes. She felt it was her surrenderin' herself to the will of the man. She didn't like her big butt, she thought "A butt should be smaller and flatter, like a white girl's." She had a dream of becomin' a porn star, but was highly self conscious about her body. She was lazy, and funny, and foolish, and wild, and unreliable.

Unreliable.

I do not like that quality in a person. Much less a person I'm tryin' to date. She stood me up in total, about nine times. We would make plans and she'd sleep instead or be with her family or doin' sumthin' else. I found out that that sumthin' else had a name. Several actually. She'd been sleepin' around 'cause she thought I was a good guy and thought if she'd slept with me she'd get bored with me. She placed sex as the peak a relationship could reach and rarely stuck around with a guy after sleepin' with him.

She was my friend. Not the greatest or most trustworthy friend. But that's what I considered her, and as foolish as it may have been to think so I didn't think she'd do that to me. I could've handled her wantin' to see someone else. I'm not a lil kid, I've been through a few breakups before. But I felt betrayed by her.

I apparently walked around with a sad look on my face long enough that someone noticed. She listened. She was kind to me. She became my friend. I fell in love with her and she with me. But it wasn't true love. It wasn't real. I was at a weak point and she fooled me.

Despite my hard work doin' everything I could to take care of her. She ultimately rejected me, for an inferior man. I was crushed. I was hurt in the worst way.

I couldn't sleep. I wouldn't eat. I woke up in the morning and the first thing I would think to myself was that I wish I hadn't. If I had the time I'd go back to sleep in the hopes that maybe I wouldn't wake up the next time around. For the next six months I continued on like this hopin' that maybe she'd love me and not him. I tried to be the best that I could be. I helped her however I could. I did everything imaginable for her. I took care of her mother. I took care of her bills.

And everyday I was rejected. That wasn't anything new to me. I can't count the number of times I'd been turned down for bein' ugly, or not cool, or bein too nice. How many times have I been passed over for some asshole? How many times has a girl toyed with my emotions so she could feel good about herself? How many times has a girl been embarassed to be seen with me? How many times has a girl used me for money? I've been rejected all my life. Far too many times for one heart to accept.

I was rejected again and again. I was rejected and this time my heart couldn't take it. It shattered. She made her decision to stand by him, a worthless, gelatinous, perverse, ox of a man. There was nothing I could do. Except hate. I stood by and when they smiled together, I hated. When they kissed, I hated. When I knew they were layin' in bed together, I hated. When I felt I'd been robbed of the woman I loved, I hated.

I hated him. I hated him so much my blood boiled. My body burned. I felt a black hole in my chest where my heart once was. There would be nuthin' that was gonna fill that void. I died. I accepted the cold. I turned to stone to avoid feelin' any pain at all.

The tears stopped. The anger was there but contained. My hate. My hate fumed from my body. My hate was the stone I'd used to protect myself from my pain. I thought about doin' things. Disgusting things. Things that it would never have been possible for anyone with a soul to do. I hurt so badly, I just wanted to make the world hurt too.

But I do have a soul. And ultimately I am a good person. I could never do any of those things. I could never hurt anyone out of any selfishness.

One day, I walked into a church. An unlikely place to find me, but I went. I went in, I sat down and I listened. The preacher sounded like he was talkin' straight to me. He said exactly what I needed to hear. I sobbed. I don't think I've ever cried that hard over anything. In that church all I could do was melt all the hate away and show my pain.

After about another year I was able to let it go. It took a lot of work and practice not bein' angry about bein' left penniless, hurt, and livin' with my mom but I got over it. For the most part. I'd been hatin' the wrong person. I came to the realization that hate is just a poison. It'll kill you slowly and painfully.

No one deserves that from another person and you shouldn't let people have that much power over you. Hate is a fire that only destroys and consumes. It burns from inside you and does it's best to burn its way out. It'll consume you and destroy everything around you if you let it.

Real hate does nuthin' but destroy. It kills. People's lives are ruined by it. It must be controlled to live a positive life. Anger is anger and that's okay. We'll all get mad or annoyed by sumthin' but you can't let it take charge of everything you do.

I will not let hate consume me in such a way again. I'd never want my friends to feel hate like that. I know I'm different now after that experience. I'm colder. I feel as though my heart is blocked off. It's not good to know that you're broken in a way that may never be fixed. I might not get sick, I might not bruise easily, but I don't know if anyone will ever get that close to my heart again. But maybe, with time, practice, and the right person it'll happen.