My Inferno (part II)

The story thus far is essentially my life and the troubles I've seen in it. My naivety as a child. Switching from an Advanced Placement class to a regular level class. My apathy towards school that resulted. As well as my early relationships, including one with a lovely black girl that had to move since she was part of a military family.





After my army brat came a few relationships that weren't quite right for me. The first has been a very good friend of mine for quite some time now since our break up. She's always had great advice for me, if not the most delicate way to put it. I've always appreciated all of it, even if I rarely listen to her.





Next was a very tall and beautiful red head. Always been a fan of red heads. We had a few good times together but that's over now. We don't talk so much anymore but I hear she's doin' well and that's good.





After that came a frisky blonde with a boyfriend at the time. Never really bothered me if it didn't bother her. Perhaps that sounds bad of us, perhaps it was. I don't regret it either way. It was fun and that's enough.





Then came a young Mexican gal I didn't even mean to ask out really. I was jokin' with her in my insecure way. I'd never figured she'd go for it but she did. It was a nice few months together but then she started actin' weird so I was actin' weird. I think she wanted out but couldn't tell me that.





Now came the strangest one of them all. A young girl with no ambition to finish highschool, thought bein' a pornstar would be a dream job, and thought sleepin' with other guys behind my back would be an acceptable way to not get bored with me. "I like you, but when I have sex with a guy I'm never interested in him anymore." She thought foolin' around on me was a way for her to have her cake and eat it too, as they say.






After the pornstar did that to me I was fairly broken up. We'd been friends for about a year and while she had a very unique way of thinkin' I always figured if she wanted to see other people she'd tell me. Obviously, I was wrong. Dunno why I liked her so much. She stood me up more than a handful of times. She was as close to crazy as a person can get without goin' over the edge. But still under it all just a scared lil girl, maybe? Afraid of gettin' hurt? So she acted in a way that stopped people from gettin' so close? I dunno. I'm not good enough at understandin' people to make that call.





It's at this point that my life starts to get a lil F.U.B.A.R (fucked up beyond all recognition, I hear thats a military term, look it up kiddies.)





I met a woman. She talked to me about some problems I'd had. We hit it off pretty well. She thought I was good lookin'. I thought she was good lookin'. I knew she was married. I also knew she wasn't happy.





We hung out a few times. Her husband didn't seem to care. We started fallin' for each other. We slept together. Her husband knew. Even sent her a text to say it was ok with him. Ok with him 'cause he didn't care. He was fat, lazy, balding, abusive, and still he had her love. She told me repeatedly that she wanted to leave him. Said she needed his money to survive. Said she wanted me to move in. I said I wouldn't til he was out.









She begged and pleaded. And because I was in love, which is the same as bein' a fool sometimes, I did move in. My love, her two kids, me, and a bastard. It was a strange, strange, situation. I can not say what I did was morally right. I can not say that it was ever gonna work. I do think most of this was my fault. She wasn't happy and rather than work out her issues with him she was lookin' for a way out or at least sumthin' to push him to be a better man. That's her fault. His fault was bein' too lazy to try to be a decent husband. It's a man's responsibility to do more than make money and come home to sit on the couch watchin' T.V. It's a crazy notion I know, but on occassion a fella's wife might actually wanna be treated like a real person.









When I lived with her, I did as much as I could to make her and her children happy. I worked. I paid bills. I made dinner. I cleaned. I did laundry. I watched the kids while she napped or went to get her hair or nails done. I helped her with her homework. I gave massages. I ran aths for her. I did all I could to make her feel as special as a girl can. I even opened up a credit card and allowed her to max it out in 'bout 4 months. My mistake.







It wasn't my job to do any of that. I thought all that would show her I was a better man. It didn't. It made her husband angry and resentful. His behavior stayed the same. He complained I was spendin' too much time with his kids. So I backed off for a while only to see him shoo away his kids in favor of his video games. I saw him make promises he never kept. I saw him lie. I saw him neglect his wife. I saw him make stupid decisions with money. I also saw him make feeble attempts at bein' better. But he tried.







The problem wasn't really him. She married him. She wouldn't leave him. She wanted me there with her. She wanted her life the way it was. I got conned. I let myself believe I was right. I cut ties with friends and family. He loved her. He didn't know how to be any better than he was. He hated me. I hated him. We both wanted her. She ruined all of our lives because she wasn't strong enough leave him and couldn't make him a better man.







When it all blew up in my face I was crushed worse than anything I could have ever imagined. I wouldn't wish what I felt on the worst person. If there is such a thing as Hell, I've already seen it and held my face to the flames.





We split, but I still loved her. So I stayed with her hopin' one day she'd love me back. I kept doin' everything I had been doin'. Only now I rarely slept and didn't eat. I dropped thirty pounds. I had dark circles under my eyes. When I did sleep I didn't want to wake up. Sometimes I'd go back to sleep hopin' I wouldn't wake up the next time around. When I did eat I couldn't enjoy the food. I was physically torturing myself to display what I felt inside.





Inside I was bein' ripped to shreds. I'd see her laughin' and bein' happy with him. It killed me. I'd know they were layin' in bed together and I hated myself for stayin' with her. I even heard them makin' love once. Just the once. But you don't forget the sound of the woman you love sleepin' with another man. It's the sound of your heart turnin' black and hate growin' in it.





I became so consumed with my hate for him. I still loved her. I wanted to be with her but as I saw it, he was the only thing standin' in my way. I tried to be honest with her. Tried tellin' her it was drivin' me crazy. She never really listened. Or she didn't care.





One day we all went to church together. I heard the sermon on the hate we have in our hearts and that we should let it go. I burst into tears after 'bout ten minutes. I knew I was burnin' up in my hate. I felt like my own blood burned with it. I understand people don't like things but I've never felt anything like this in my life. I thought about what it'd be like to kill him. I thought about slappin' her around 'til she came to her senses. I thought about cuttin' up the people that pissed me off throughout the day. I wanted the world to feel as bad as I did. I didn't care whoI hurt. But I did. I did care 'cause I was never able to do any of it.





I contained all that hate and all that passion in my heart. I bottled it all up so I wouldn't get hurt and so I wouldn't hurt anyone else. I didn't care about anything except her. I still loved her and her kids. I still wanted to help them.





Still not done yet. More to tell in part 3.