My Inferno (Part III)

the story so far...



I was a sensitive kid dealin' with a lot of issues. Things that maybe shouldn't have bothered me but they did. My school life and romantic life were hardly what I'd call successful. Especially the part where I was mostly to blame for ruinin' four peoples lives by gettin' involved with a married woman. I'd become a self-pityin', hateful, self-destructive person. I thought I could protect myself and the people around me by buildin' a wall around my heart.



One day as I was gettin ready for work, there was an argument between the supposedly happy couple. He woke up, got ready for work, and told her "It's over."



She asked me to call into work, for about the tenth time that year, so I did. She asked me to help her move everything in the house to a storage shed or her mom's place. I paid for the storage shed. I helped her move everything. I hadn't eaten for two days. I was weak and tired but I packed up and moved everything in that house that didn't belong to him with her help. I tried callin' people for help but by then I'd cut too many ties. The few that would've helped had other things to do on a Monday.



She moved her and the kids in with her mom. I couldn't stay there since she asked me to check on her step-dad two weeks earlier. Me checkin' on him after he'd taken some meds he wasn't supposed to wound up with me bein' asked (by the woman I was still crazy about) to get in between her step-dad and mom when they were fightin'. I tried defendin' him from gettin hit with a cordless phone. He called me a lot of names and challenged me to fight him. I didn't. I should have. It wouldn't have done any good though. Still wanna kick his sorry ass though. She stayed at the concert she was at 'til it was all over with and then around midnight finally came to check on her mom. Her mom always liked me but with that situation between me and her step-dad I didn't even bother to ask if I could stay there.



I called a couple of good friends of mine and they let me stay with them for a few days. I probably wasn't the best house guest with my long hours but they put up with me for a lil bit. I greatly appreciated that very much. I couldn't do enough to repay them. They were there for me when I needed them. A surefire way to tell if you've got a true friend.



After that I stayed with my sister and her family for one night. She told our mom about me needin' a place to stay. Mom came to me askin' about my situation and could see I was as scrawny as I've ever been. With tears in her eyes she asked me to come home. I did.



Meanwhile I'd been takin' care of the family that had been uprooted. I told the kids bedtime stories. I played with them. I took them out to eat from time to time. I bought them the little necessities they needed and as much of the extra stuff as I could. I paid for her gas and mine. I had maybe twenty bucks to my name at any given time. All this still wasn't enough for her. She wanted some time to clear her head so I gave it to her.



A week later I called her. He picked up the phone and said, "I thought she told you not to call anymore." and hung up.



I learned later that she decided to move back and try to work things out with him and that she wasn't gonna have anything to do with me. She told me she'd pay me back for the classes she was takin' that I'd paid for and that she'd pay on the credit card she maxed out.



Crushed and broken and dead on the inside I kept movin' forward. I took my classes. I worked hard. I let my hair grow out to donate to Locks of Love. I donated blood about ten times in the year that followed. I raised a hefty sum of money for the March of Dimes. I did every favor I could for anyone I could find. I don't believe in any religion but I figured if there was such a thing as karma I could use it to my advantage.



It's at this point that I met a rebellious soul. We had two classes back to back ad we got to talkin' and we got together. With all the stuff that happened to me it's really no wonder she's had such a hard time with me.



From the start I'd been fightin' our relationship. I didn't want anything serious. I didn't wanna get hurt. I didn't wanna hurt her. I liked her. She's a much more amazing person than I think anyone gives her credit for. I care about her very much. She gets me better than anybody else. she knows this story inside and out. I know a lot about hers. But I never felt what I thought love should feel like. I could see why she should be perfect for me but I never felt she was. Whether this is because I don't feel much of anything or because we were meant to be just friends I can't tell.



She seems to think we're supposed to be together. She's very confident about it. She thinks I should just open up to her more.



When I started openin' up with her she suggested I might be depressed.



I honestly didn't think I was anymore. It'd been six months or so. I figured that was enough time to recover. Last Tuesday we went to a group therapy session. I listened to a guy talk bout his marriage, his girls, and his small business and the problems he had with all of that. I listened to a woman talk about her son, the only blood relative she has ,bein' manipulated and taken away from her. Both of them said that they'd been through nuthin' compared to what I'd been though.



I'm better than I was. But I'm still workin' to get better. Maybe now that you all know the truth about me, you'll understand why I've done some of the things I've done. At the very least I think I feel better about all of this.



Hopefully I won't regret writing this.



Thank you for takin' the time to read it.