The world didn't end. Not for all of us. There's always a few that don't quite make it to the coming year. It seems like the bodies tend to pile up at the end of a year.
Sandy Hook alone was a pretty devastating toll on the nation and the loved ones left to mourn the loss of those 27 people. That was a big deal. I can't even begin to apologize or try to make things better for those families. I wouldn't know where to start. It's hard for me to comfort people having a bad day, where do you start making someone feel better when they just lost a kid. Can you imagine?
You fall in love. You get married. Have a kid. The kid starts walking. Then talking. He looks like you but with your wife's eyes and hair. He develops a personality. The kid is funny and smart. He's cooler than you ever were at his age. He hates green beans. They have a weird texture. He loves oatmeal raisin cookies with a juice box. He goes ape-y for that shit. He's smart but he could be smarter. You send him to school. His teachers are cool and seem to know what they're doing. The one down the hall has really pretty blue eyes. She seems nice.
Then you go to work one day and you hear the news. That kid you spent 7 years of your life preparing for and raising and worrying about and loving is in danger of being shot. What if he's shot already? Is he okay? Can the cops get there and take care of this before anything happens to him? can I get there and save my kid before he gets hurt? What if he's hurt and all he wants is me?
Later you find out he was one of the first ones shot. It wasn't a kill shot just some spray of bullets. It took maybe ten minutes and he lay there bleeding and crying and asking for his parents along with a dozen other kids in that same room. It's a tragedy.
Makes me sad. I cried a little bit writing that. I didn't want to but that's where I am with Sandy Hook. That's how I feel after two weeks or so and I don't know a single person that died. That's real and not a thing to say "aw" about. It's about where I think most of us should be.
Then Obama comes on TV and gives a speech. I didn't watch it because it wasn't for me. There's nothing he could've said for me to change a thing. That speech was for that town and those parents. It was him saying this sucks and we as a nation are really sorry you had this shitty, shitty situation come down on you.
He interrupts football to say this and the next day I read an article quoting all the assholes from twitter that had a problem with him interrupting the game for this speech. They called him a nigger. ( http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/17/take-that-nigger-off-tv-racist-tweets-obama_n_2317185.html )
Fuck you, if you think this isn't a tragedy or that missing 15 minutes of football is worth disrespecting the memory of those people. Don't ruin a humane moment in which a representative of the country, no matter your feeling about him, tries to collectively talk a town out of jumping from a window ledge using sympathy. He was trying to say what needed to be said by all of us. We feel for you. We give a damn, even if just a tiny one. What did you heartless assholes want him to do? Give a speech that only the handful in attendance would ever know happened? Let the rest of the country think it isn't that important to us? Maybe he should've gone out there and told them to stop crying about their loss because people die every day?
Maybe he is politicizing this to get tough on guns. Maybe he won't stop us from going over that fiscal cliff. Maybe he'll be the death of us all. At this particular moment, I don't give a crap about that. What I do care about is that there is something wrong with us as a country, possibly as a planet, when we can't respect a loss of life for more than two minutes. Why can't we stop worrying about political parties or skin color or any of that superficial garbage and just reach out emotionally for a bit.
If you have it in you to be kind and be patient and not be a total dick all the time, great. We all have bad days, we all slip up, we tend to be focused on "I" from time to time. It happens don't hang yourself about it. But when something like this happens, when you are called upon to find a speck of human decency you better give it some effort and find a scrap of it. In this world of MyFaceBook and i-own-a-pod and YouWatchMeTube, it's hard not to be self absorbed but at least be honest with yourself as to when you are. I feel more and more our society pushes us towards being that way. It's gotta be the wrong direction.
If the world had ended on the 21st we would be better off. Instead of some quick meteor destroying us in a flash and bang, we'll get the next 3,000 years or so to slowly poison, kill, and maim the humanity out of ourselves until there's a few huddled groups left starving and looking to betray each other to find their next meal hidden in the flesh of former friends. Maybe by then we'll have any easier time of it with our "fuck those guys" attitude.
Hope you had a Merry Christmas. Sorry about the swearing.
Friday, December 28, 2012
Friday, October 26, 2012
Sharp Tongued Woman
She wakes up with a sharp pain inside her mouth
She's resting in her bed, alone, inside her house
An angered and pointless attempt to complain
Has her afflicted with a slice more with which to strain
What is the cause there's no way she could know
But as is commnly said, you reap what you sow
She reaches inside to remove her bane
The tear travels through her finger's wiry frame
She shakes the sting away from her hand
The vexing prediciment might be more than she can stand
It couldn't be any of the few things she actually ate
Nor could it be any naturally occuring trait
A flood of crimson flows, held back only by biting her lip
The slosh of blood becomes too much, a proper princess must purge and spit
She regrets her sharp tongued lashings, wishing for an elixir and a few friends
An unkind, unforgiving tongue lacerates all those scandelous loose ends
She's a sharp tongued woman, she would spit razors with her words
With tables turned she can only hurt herself, that's her curse
Desperation drenched in perspiration, saturated by blood and tears
The little lady has reached the peak of her fears
She lies, segregated from society, bleeding at the bottom of her bathtub
Her pride and vanity vacated from a princess who only wants real love
She wants someone to make it all better, a beau with a better plan
All she can think to do is cut out the tongue held in her hand
She's resting in her bed, alone, inside her house
An angered and pointless attempt to complain
Has her afflicted with a slice more with which to strain
What is the cause there's no way she could know
But as is commnly said, you reap what you sow
She reaches inside to remove her bane
The tear travels through her finger's wiry frame
She shakes the sting away from her hand
The vexing prediciment might be more than she can stand
It couldn't be any of the few things she actually ate
Nor could it be any naturally occuring trait
A flood of crimson flows, held back only by biting her lip
The slosh of blood becomes too much, a proper princess must purge and spit
She regrets her sharp tongued lashings, wishing for an elixir and a few friends
An unkind, unforgiving tongue lacerates all those scandelous loose ends
She's a sharp tongued woman, she would spit razors with her words
With tables turned she can only hurt herself, that's her curse
Desperation drenched in perspiration, saturated by blood and tears
The little lady has reached the peak of her fears
She lies, segregated from society, bleeding at the bottom of her bathtub
Her pride and vanity vacated from a princess who only wants real love
She wants someone to make it all better, a beau with a better plan
All she can think to do is cut out the tongue held in her hand
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Auteur
When you're young you can't wait to get out because you think, "Fuck what everybody else says I'm gonna do things my way. I'm gonna clear my own path and never make any compromises and be exactly who I want to be and as successful as I want to be." Kids are kinda dumb and that makes a body a bit too optimistic.
Maybe I've just grown too cynical.
You get out of school and for most of us it's like you aren't a person anymore, just a salmon swimmin' upstream. You have these ideas and you want to open a business, a business that's gonna make you rich and famous and you'll change the world. Sounds great.
Go buy a place to do business. Go get some kind of promotion to let people know what you're doing. Pay permits to check the building's gas, water, electricity. Get whatever is outdated in the building updated. Is it handicap accessible? Keep up with the rent while trying to get your business off the ground. Keep up with your taxes. Get your flat fixed. Get your oil changed. Take your significant other out for your anniversary. Pay your bills. Pay your insurance. Go to the doctor since you're making yourself sick workin' so hard. Hire some employess. Teach them how you want things done. Fire the ones that don't listen. Hire some new help. Teach them. Get those guys some kind of insurance. Get them off their lazy asses so you can actually have decent service.
There's plenty to do as it is and then on top of that you've got people telling you how to do it and holding you back on purpose or on accident. You've got your parents who all of a sudden are the most qualified business people in the world and if you don't take their advice they're positive you're just gonna go bankrupt. You've got inspectors that show up and don't like the A&M bumpersticker you've got so they give you a hard time and nit-pick stuff they might not've noticed before. Then there's the people you hired that fell down a flight of stairs on their way to work.
No one person gets a path clear of all obstacles to do whatever they want in life. You do your best and fair or not shit happens. You either make it or you don't and it doesn't matter to too many people besides you. Not too many people are invested in the average person.
The debate between Obama and Romney is on tonight and a lot of people are invested in that. Since you know, the president's job is to do everything he promised unhindered by the interests of other groups. There are always people pushing and pulling at you for their own agendas and this will bog the best of us down. Obama and Romney make no difference in that whatever they promise you they are likely to fall through on.
Obama went out and promised us all kinds of things and hasn't delivered on everything in four years. If everyone quit arguing with him maybe he could've gotten it all done or maybe he'd have made some bad choices and we'd be living in the same country as Mad Max.
Whatever Romney is promising he won't be able to deliver on all of it. Some because he's gonna find opposition, some because he had no intention of doing it in the first place, and some because he won't have time in four years.
There is no Auteur for America. There is no one person who has his vision of America come true. America is a swarm of sympathetic and opposing ideas looking to shine in the spotlight. Even a dictator finds rebels that oppose him and fight for their own ideals which in itself can ruin his dream.
Maybe I've just grown too cynical.
You get out of school and for most of us it's like you aren't a person anymore, just a salmon swimmin' upstream. You have these ideas and you want to open a business, a business that's gonna make you rich and famous and you'll change the world. Sounds great.
Go buy a place to do business. Go get some kind of promotion to let people know what you're doing. Pay permits to check the building's gas, water, electricity. Get whatever is outdated in the building updated. Is it handicap accessible? Keep up with the rent while trying to get your business off the ground. Keep up with your taxes. Get your flat fixed. Get your oil changed. Take your significant other out for your anniversary. Pay your bills. Pay your insurance. Go to the doctor since you're making yourself sick workin' so hard. Hire some employess. Teach them how you want things done. Fire the ones that don't listen. Hire some new help. Teach them. Get those guys some kind of insurance. Get them off their lazy asses so you can actually have decent service.
There's plenty to do as it is and then on top of that you've got people telling you how to do it and holding you back on purpose or on accident. You've got your parents who all of a sudden are the most qualified business people in the world and if you don't take their advice they're positive you're just gonna go bankrupt. You've got inspectors that show up and don't like the A&M bumpersticker you've got so they give you a hard time and nit-pick stuff they might not've noticed before. Then there's the people you hired that fell down a flight of stairs on their way to work.
No one person gets a path clear of all obstacles to do whatever they want in life. You do your best and fair or not shit happens. You either make it or you don't and it doesn't matter to too many people besides you. Not too many people are invested in the average person.
The debate between Obama and Romney is on tonight and a lot of people are invested in that. Since you know, the president's job is to do everything he promised unhindered by the interests of other groups. There are always people pushing and pulling at you for their own agendas and this will bog the best of us down. Obama and Romney make no difference in that whatever they promise you they are likely to fall through on.
Obama went out and promised us all kinds of things and hasn't delivered on everything in four years. If everyone quit arguing with him maybe he could've gotten it all done or maybe he'd have made some bad choices and we'd be living in the same country as Mad Max.
Whatever Romney is promising he won't be able to deliver on all of it. Some because he's gonna find opposition, some because he had no intention of doing it in the first place, and some because he won't have time in four years.
There is no Auteur for America. There is no one person who has his vision of America come true. America is a swarm of sympathetic and opposing ideas looking to shine in the spotlight. Even a dictator finds rebels that oppose him and fight for their own ideals which in itself can ruin his dream.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Whether or Not
I haven't written in a while. I haven't done anything I feel is worthwhile or productive in a few weeks. I feel like none of it matters. Does anybody read this? Does anybody care? Probably not.
Where is this attitude coming from? I first noticed it with the theatre shooting in Colorado. That alone didn't put me down but I did feel bad. I didn't know what to say about that. What can you say about that? I feel for the victims. The shooter was obviously disturbed. I'm not sure how exactly but I'm curious. Those are the things we were all thinking.
Then I would watch the news and there was another shooting, and another, and another. Then Chick-fil-a comes along with their anti-gay stuff and the people around here showed so much support for them. They even sold out of food completely at one location. My mother told me about it, I suppose she thought I would think it was cool. I found it pretty disappointing. I told her my point of view about how there seems to be a misconception that the Chic-fil-a debate was about the CEO's right to free speech. I felt the man has a right to say whatever he wants but I won't support a business that takes my money and then uses it to support legislation that oppresses any minority group. She called me stupid.
All of this combined with the fact that I have virtually no prospects with my writing led me to question a lot of things. Why write? Does anyone even read? Is there an audience for my writing? Am I the odd man out? Is the majority of this country right wing religious zealots? How can I write for an audience like that?
I didn't know how to appeal to an audience like that in a way that I could be happy with. I was considering giving up writing. The thought of that made my heart want to break. I don't want to be a plumber for the rest of my life. I don't want to just get by. I don't want to live in the same town I was born in anymore. I've lived here far too long already.
I can't give up on my writing. If I did such a thing I might as well walk off a bridge. I might not get out of here for another ten years but this is the only talent I have that I believe is strong enough to make my dream come true. If I believe that my best is not good enough then I will break.
I will not break, ever.
I refuse to. I can not. I know I have talent. Maybe I'm no Shakespeare but damn it I'm better than half the authors in a Barnes and Noble. I have to keep believing in myself. I can't write for you guys. I can't expect you guys to love everything I write or anyone to pay attention to it. I can't expect everyone to agree with me. I can't expect everyone to have the same opinions as I do. I've only to be myself and push myself to do the best I can. I can die unsuccessful, alone, and thought of as crazy for my beliefs. It's not up to you or anyone but me to find my happiness. I have to do things for me whether they change the world or not.
Where is this attitude coming from? I first noticed it with the theatre shooting in Colorado. That alone didn't put me down but I did feel bad. I didn't know what to say about that. What can you say about that? I feel for the victims. The shooter was obviously disturbed. I'm not sure how exactly but I'm curious. Those are the things we were all thinking.
Then I would watch the news and there was another shooting, and another, and another. Then Chick-fil-a comes along with their anti-gay stuff and the people around here showed so much support for them. They even sold out of food completely at one location. My mother told me about it, I suppose she thought I would think it was cool. I found it pretty disappointing. I told her my point of view about how there seems to be a misconception that the Chic-fil-a debate was about the CEO's right to free speech. I felt the man has a right to say whatever he wants but I won't support a business that takes my money and then uses it to support legislation that oppresses any minority group. She called me stupid.
All of this combined with the fact that I have virtually no prospects with my writing led me to question a lot of things. Why write? Does anyone even read? Is there an audience for my writing? Am I the odd man out? Is the majority of this country right wing religious zealots? How can I write for an audience like that?
I didn't know how to appeal to an audience like that in a way that I could be happy with. I was considering giving up writing. The thought of that made my heart want to break. I don't want to be a plumber for the rest of my life. I don't want to just get by. I don't want to live in the same town I was born in anymore. I've lived here far too long already.
I can't give up on my writing. If I did such a thing I might as well walk off a bridge. I might not get out of here for another ten years but this is the only talent I have that I believe is strong enough to make my dream come true. If I believe that my best is not good enough then I will break.
I will not break, ever.
I refuse to. I can not. I know I have talent. Maybe I'm no Shakespeare but damn it I'm better than half the authors in a Barnes and Noble. I have to keep believing in myself. I can't write for you guys. I can't expect you guys to love everything I write or anyone to pay attention to it. I can't expect everyone to agree with me. I can't expect everyone to have the same opinions as I do. I've only to be myself and push myself to do the best I can. I can die unsuccessful, alone, and thought of as crazy for my beliefs. It's not up to you or anyone but me to find my happiness. I have to do things for me whether they change the world or not.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Jesus Ain't Comin' Back
The other night, we went to the bar and a guy came up saying he was gonna enter some singing competition, Nashville Star. I guess it's like American Idol or something. He was hoping to win some money at least to be able to pay his mortgage. I told him I hope he does well. He told me he would because God was on his side. I more or less exited the conversation after that.
Yesterday, I saw a bumber sticker that read "Keep Christ in Christmas". I was mildly annoyed. Christmas isn't even the kid's birthday. Not to mention there are an awful lot of faiths out there that have winter celebrations of their own. It's selfish for any religion to assume that theirs is most important or right in their beliefs because they have the most followers.
Brad Pitt's mom recently wrote a letter to her local paper endorsing Mitt Romney citing that he holds good Christian beliefs since he's Mormon. Good Christian beliefs like homosexuality is an abomination and that any god would give Joe Smith his word on golden tablets.
In the comment section of the article I read about Mama Pitt, someone had mentioned Jesus returning to strike down the non believers and sinners. I love how some people that are supposed to be about love and forgiveness use their savior as a weapon or threat. I'm sure Jesus loves it when you think of him as a big brother to come and beat up all the mean sinners.
To me the belief in a god seems just ancient and ridiculous. It's 2012 and people still spend their lives reading, rereading and debating stories about men that comes back from the dead, people hearing voices from burning bushes, men that single handedly topple buildings, and battles for the fate of the world. I read about that kind of stuff in comic books because I enjoy that cheesy, fantastic stuff but I will always know it's a fantasy.
I recently told my parents I am an atheist. They promptly came to the decision that I'm being brainwashed. You know, because I can't think for myself and not believing in God is wrong. As soon as I had the courage to declare myself an atheist I made myself an outcast. My belief in empirical evidence is seen as lunacy while a belief in the power of Christ is seen as an unquestionable reality.
My parents don't like it. My mother even tried to use it against me this weekend as an attack on my character. She and I were talking to relatives and they asked about my wedding plans. I mentioned an outdoor wedding. My aunt asked if they church was going to be involved, rather innocently since she didn't know I was atheist. My mother was quick to declare I didn't believe in God in a venomous bite of gossip. It didn't get very much traction as my aunt and cousin are reasonable women.
I know that Superman is an amazing character. I know he seems to always do right and gives of himself to save the world but Jerry Siegel and Joe Schuster, two Jewish teens from New York, invented him out of thin air. He's got qualities that we can all admire but he's no more real than Thor or Hercules or Rama or Luke Skywalker. The fact that these characters are not real should not diminish their deeds as any less noble. If someone does something nice for someone because his thinking is "Superman would help given the opportunity and I want to do nice things to be a bit more like him." I see no problem with that but no one should be worshipping the man of steel.
Why is it that Jesus, God, or any other mythological creature so special that it has to be the truth? People are often desperate to believe in something that gives the universe meaning. For some reason, the existence that we have isn't enough. We can breathe and think and read and tell jokes and make music but if we don't have a destiny determined by someone we never see it all becomes meaningless, is that what I am to understand?
That's ridiculous. I am the product of billions of years of evolution. I am the pinnacle of everything that has come before and led up to me. Science can prove this. My destiny lies in my next step. I need no god to tell me what is right or just or divine. I can use the stories in the Bible, or Action Comics, or the novels of Ernest Hemingway for guidance but I will never mistake them for the absolute truth of the universe.
There is so much more in the universe than some hokey religions and traditions used to explain the universe and morality to cave dwellers with severely limited tools. I have access to almost limitless knowledge. I live in an era where many of the great secrets one could ever have known can be known and proven. I will not allow the things I do not know to be hidden in the shadows of mythological figures because what we might uncover makes us feel insignificant or uncomfortable. If the truth is uncomfortable then we should be uncomfortable. To settle for less than that would insure our insignificance.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Catfish
I'm angry. Annoyed. Pissed off at everything and trying to find a direction to point it in. I'm losin' money like I'm gettin' mugged. It's kind of a pain in the ass right now. I suspect it might be a pain in the ass at anytime in my life but right now I'm tryin' to get some traction goin' and of course life has other plans.
Nuthin' comes easy. Fact of life #1. You better thank your lucky onions any time something goes your way and remember it could've always been worse.
Sometimes you need that in your life. Sometimes you need a bully to come along and start kickin' your privileged teeth in to realize how soft and fat you've gotten. Everybody needs a rival, a challenge to take on, or a hardship to endure. You need something to let you know that you are alive and you are strong enough to take that beating and that you will get back up and start fighting back.
I love comics but life doesn't send a Joker or Green Goblin for you to fight with. That'd be too simple. Beat up a bad guy, get the girl, the day is saved and somehow that makes everything okay. What life really throws your way are deadlines, unexpected costs, and disillusionment in droves. These small hardships come everyday and they pile up quick. If it were just the light bill that needed to be paid a body could handle that and never think anything of it. When you run into your challenge though, it'll be more like the light bill, rent, a totaled car, a sick kid, massive amounts of crap to do at work, and people that don't seem to give a rat's ass about helpin' you out at all.
If everything could be settled in a fist fight it would all be a lot easier. Instead, you have to sacrifice portions of your life to get around obstacles. You work, you work a second job, you work overtime, you stay in rather than spending money on a crappy junk food dinner, and you save your money. You give up the things you kind of want for the thing you really want. It's not fun but what needs to be done if you wanna get anywhere.
You need those pain in the ass months or years to make somethin' of yourself. You have to challenge yourself to knock the dust off your bones. You bust your ass to prove to yourself that you've got at least a sliver of a hero in you. Keep feedin' that son of a bitch and he just might turn into Hercules.
Me and my June were talkin' about this the other night. You ever see that movie Catfish? You should give it a look. I don't have any real spoilers here just a story frm within the movie.
Catfish draws its title from a story told at the end about these fish that get soft from being shipped across the globe in tanks. They sit there and do nothing and taste like crap because of it. So, to remedy this problem catfish are put in the tank to beat up and challenge the other fish. The other fish fight back and are made stronger and better (tasting at least) for it.
We felt we needed a challenge. Somthing to come along and slap us around to see if we got the cojones to snatch that bastard by his ear and spit in his eye. Well, with all the damage that was done to our car recently and the misfortunes we've had in the last year we're in a tight spot right now. Do we have what it takes to pull through?
I know she does. She wouldn't be standin' at my side if she didn't. She's endured her own troubles which aren't my story to tell. She's led a troop of AROTC (I think that's what they're called) to national championships four years in a row. Her high school has a whole case full of the trophys she earned. She counsels just about anybody she meets and helps them with their problems. She's smart and funny and just all around amazing. She's even put up with me for three years now.
I've been to hell and back before. When I was a kid, I fought 'cause it was fun, I had a fire in me. In the ring, I had trouble with a southpaw but I got the hang of that so well he couldn't touch me. I've got a work ethic that'll outshine anybody. I got my heart busted a few times in a row so that I was broken and suicidal. I bounced back and found real love. I'm one hell of a writer really. You guys get some cheap stuff sometimes and I'm sorry about that but this blog has helped me become a stronger writer. I got my Associates degree, one better than anybody in my family and I'm lookin' to go further. I'm strong, I'm fast, and I'm smart. I'm ready to take on the world.
You can never let those bastards get you down. Talk yourself up. Practice what you suck at. Ask for help sometimes. Everything is hard and annoying and makes you work to get there. But if you don't look that lion in the eyes you'll never get a chance to see it blink. If you don't push yourself you will never be anything great and personally I can't think of anything sadder than wasted potential. Don't leave this world with regrets, wishing you'd done more or tried a bit harder or made something of yourself.
I've busted my ass many times to get where I am now and compared to some folks it's pretty comfortable. But it will never be good enough. My love deserves better. Our kids will have better. I will be successful. I still got a million more rounds in me. A million more chances to turn everything around and do something no one ever has. By the time the dust has settled It'll be me and my love still standin' there back to back kickin' ass and askin' for more challenges.
Nuthin' comes easy. Fact of life #1. You better thank your lucky onions any time something goes your way and remember it could've always been worse.
Sometimes you need that in your life. Sometimes you need a bully to come along and start kickin' your privileged teeth in to realize how soft and fat you've gotten. Everybody needs a rival, a challenge to take on, or a hardship to endure. You need something to let you know that you are alive and you are strong enough to take that beating and that you will get back up and start fighting back.
I love comics but life doesn't send a Joker or Green Goblin for you to fight with. That'd be too simple. Beat up a bad guy, get the girl, the day is saved and somehow that makes everything okay. What life really throws your way are deadlines, unexpected costs, and disillusionment in droves. These small hardships come everyday and they pile up quick. If it were just the light bill that needed to be paid a body could handle that and never think anything of it. When you run into your challenge though, it'll be more like the light bill, rent, a totaled car, a sick kid, massive amounts of crap to do at work, and people that don't seem to give a rat's ass about helpin' you out at all.
If everything could be settled in a fist fight it would all be a lot easier. Instead, you have to sacrifice portions of your life to get around obstacles. You work, you work a second job, you work overtime, you stay in rather than spending money on a crappy junk food dinner, and you save your money. You give up the things you kind of want for the thing you really want. It's not fun but what needs to be done if you wanna get anywhere.
You need those pain in the ass months or years to make somethin' of yourself. You have to challenge yourself to knock the dust off your bones. You bust your ass to prove to yourself that you've got at least a sliver of a hero in you. Keep feedin' that son of a bitch and he just might turn into Hercules.
Me and my June were talkin' about this the other night. You ever see that movie Catfish? You should give it a look. I don't have any real spoilers here just a story frm within the movie.
Catfish draws its title from a story told at the end about these fish that get soft from being shipped across the globe in tanks. They sit there and do nothing and taste like crap because of it. So, to remedy this problem catfish are put in the tank to beat up and challenge the other fish. The other fish fight back and are made stronger and better (tasting at least) for it.
We felt we needed a challenge. Somthing to come along and slap us around to see if we got the cojones to snatch that bastard by his ear and spit in his eye. Well, with all the damage that was done to our car recently and the misfortunes we've had in the last year we're in a tight spot right now. Do we have what it takes to pull through?
I know she does. She wouldn't be standin' at my side if she didn't. She's endured her own troubles which aren't my story to tell. She's led a troop of AROTC (I think that's what they're called) to national championships four years in a row. Her high school has a whole case full of the trophys she earned. She counsels just about anybody she meets and helps them with their problems. She's smart and funny and just all around amazing. She's even put up with me for three years now.
I've been to hell and back before. When I was a kid, I fought 'cause it was fun, I had a fire in me. In the ring, I had trouble with a southpaw but I got the hang of that so well he couldn't touch me. I've got a work ethic that'll outshine anybody. I got my heart busted a few times in a row so that I was broken and suicidal. I bounced back and found real love. I'm one hell of a writer really. You guys get some cheap stuff sometimes and I'm sorry about that but this blog has helped me become a stronger writer. I got my Associates degree, one better than anybody in my family and I'm lookin' to go further. I'm strong, I'm fast, and I'm smart. I'm ready to take on the world.
You can never let those bastards get you down. Talk yourself up. Practice what you suck at. Ask for help sometimes. Everything is hard and annoying and makes you work to get there. But if you don't look that lion in the eyes you'll never get a chance to see it blink. If you don't push yourself you will never be anything great and personally I can't think of anything sadder than wasted potential. Don't leave this world with regrets, wishing you'd done more or tried a bit harder or made something of yourself.
I've busted my ass many times to get where I am now and compared to some folks it's pretty comfortable. But it will never be good enough. My love deserves better. Our kids will have better. I will be successful. I still got a million more rounds in me. A million more chances to turn everything around and do something no one ever has. By the time the dust has settled It'll be me and my love still standin' there back to back kickin' ass and askin' for more challenges.
Monday, April 30, 2012
A Life Worth Living
So last night I was home alone. My June was babysitting, bringin' in a little extra cash as she does. I'm glad for it but bein' stuck at home isn't much fun. I spent the night bein' rather unproductive. I watched The Simpsons which semi-impressed me for the first time since season 10 and that's being generous really. Bart was having existential problems. He couldn't see the point of goin' on with life if he couldn't maintain happiness. He didn't want to have one big adventure then go back to a normal life and feel like it was bland to what he had experienced. It's an interesting premise.
As an Atheist, I and other Atheists I have encountered have had a similar problem. It's hard to say what makes a life worth living without a generic and overly romanticised answer like God or friendship or love or destiny. I want something I can really wrap my head around. I want something in life to show someone and say this is what I spent doin' with my time here and damn it I'm proud of that.
God obviously doesn't work for me because I'm a non-believer. I don't think there is a master plan for humans or Earth. We do not actually triumph in any recognizable way over a devil. God crafted no one's destiny to specifically be a beggar or a banker. God didn't turn people into child rapists anymore than He turned people into police officers. God doesn't send massive tsunamis anywhere because there is sin in the world. None of that makes any sense and works in mysterious ways is a non-thinking man's way of just letting it go.
Books and movies would have you believe that when love hits you, you know it and it's perfect and awesome and there is nothing greater. If that were true I don't think more than half of marriages would end in divorce. People get a good feelin' about somebody and it's better than any feeling you can remember so it must be love right? Sometimes the other person is kind of a jack ass and disrespects your siblings or hobbies and wants you to dress a certain way that you just don't feel comfortable with. Sometimes what you think is love is just something else altogether. I've had those. I know plenty of people that have married someone they wish they hadn't. Love will fool you plenty of times before you find the right one for you at the right time. When something fools you that often and depends on another person it's hard to say that that's what the entirety of your life should be based on. I've found love, I believe. It's not easy to maintain that feeling all the time but we're gettin' better at it every day and I know there isn't a woman that I would trade her for. I do not however live solely for her nor does she live solely for me. We are to people that live and we want to be in each other's lives more than we want to be in anyone else's. We don't know what adventures are coming but I want her to be along for mine and I want to be along for hers and we want adventures that are uniquely ours. I could write a book on what it might mean to me to be in love but that's not what I mean to do here. What I'm saying is that love is not the only thing worth living for. You shouldn't end it all if you don't have nor should you spend your existence searching for a perfect soul mate. It'll happen or it won't and that you can't do much about except to be yourself in a relationship.
Friendship is similar in that way. You'd think that all the friends you make in your life are always gonna be there for you no matter what based on a damned Disney movie. You remember that time we all went searching for some great treasure and all we found was the true meaning of friendship and how we've hung out everyday for the rest of our lives? That never happened. Even people that do have a wonderful experience together in real life don't stay in contact. I went to Costa Rica and had a blast with people I've known for years, I quit talkin' to 'em as soon as we got back. They were never really my circle of friends and at least one was a jackass. People grow up and turn into different people. Some mature and have kids and get office jobs while others get stoned all the time and pay their light bill every couple of months and live off of welfare. A lot of us fall somewhere in the middle. The two don't always mix well and life gets busy and you move away and shit happens. Friends are not the only thing that a person can live for either. They can't make you happy and somedays you can't get a person to go to lunch with you no matter how many you call and it's not 'cause nobody likes you it's 'cause shit happens. Yeah, if I could eat and not get fat and had time and money, I'd have 30 different lunch dates everyday with people I don't even know because it might be fun but I've gotta work and I will get fat.
Destiny to me is just as stupid as the idea of God. If I never make it as a writer, it's my own fault. I'm a bit lazy and could do more than I do now but I don't. I know I need to. I feel the urge to and I will. I'm working on it, right now actually. If I make it as a writer then that is because I made the choices that advanced my career. What I will be and what I will do is not up to some destiny written in the stars. Just like it isn't a bums destiny to be a bum. He made some bad choices and missed some opportunities. That's his life but no one sentenced him, before he was ever born, to be poor and out on the street. Things happen and if you aren't careful bad things can happen to you. Bad things will happen to you as they do to everyone but there are things you can avoid. Don't touch that fire if you don't want to get burned. Don't stick up for yourself if you want to get run all over. Don't study if you want to be as dumb as a bump on a log. You make your own damn destiny good or bad it's on you.
So, just what the hell is left to live for if there is no God, and destiny didn't write you in a special part in history, friends may drop off of the face of the planet, and love that fickle bitch may just screw you over?
It may just be those few breathes of fresh air that make you appreciate bein' alive. Like that moment when you are happy and proud of what you've done. Or when you create something beautiful like a poem or a painting or a song that people actually wanna hear. Or the feeling you get when you conquer your own fear of heights. When you stand up to the bully that has been pickin' on you all semester. Getting a date with the person of your dreams. Whatever you do with your life it had better mean somethin' to you. There's no sense in playin' it safe and savin' money and eating healthy if there is no spice in your life. If you do everything as expected and without humor or music or love or your own personal flare why are you doing it at all? Go out and be your own personal rock star. Have a conversation with strangers in a coffee shop and make friends. Tell jokes. Make love. Try new things. Read books. Watch movies. Eat ice cream. Go running. Go play. Go to concerts. One thing alone will never do to make a life complete or happy, not the bible, not a drug, not a lover. You gotta live life to appreciate it. Find an adventure in every day.
As an Atheist, I and other Atheists I have encountered have had a similar problem. It's hard to say what makes a life worth living without a generic and overly romanticised answer like God or friendship or love or destiny. I want something I can really wrap my head around. I want something in life to show someone and say this is what I spent doin' with my time here and damn it I'm proud of that.
God obviously doesn't work for me because I'm a non-believer. I don't think there is a master plan for humans or Earth. We do not actually triumph in any recognizable way over a devil. God crafted no one's destiny to specifically be a beggar or a banker. God didn't turn people into child rapists anymore than He turned people into police officers. God doesn't send massive tsunamis anywhere because there is sin in the world. None of that makes any sense and works in mysterious ways is a non-thinking man's way of just letting it go.
Books and movies would have you believe that when love hits you, you know it and it's perfect and awesome and there is nothing greater. If that were true I don't think more than half of marriages would end in divorce. People get a good feelin' about somebody and it's better than any feeling you can remember so it must be love right? Sometimes the other person is kind of a jack ass and disrespects your siblings or hobbies and wants you to dress a certain way that you just don't feel comfortable with. Sometimes what you think is love is just something else altogether. I've had those. I know plenty of people that have married someone they wish they hadn't. Love will fool you plenty of times before you find the right one for you at the right time. When something fools you that often and depends on another person it's hard to say that that's what the entirety of your life should be based on. I've found love, I believe. It's not easy to maintain that feeling all the time but we're gettin' better at it every day and I know there isn't a woman that I would trade her for. I do not however live solely for her nor does she live solely for me. We are to people that live and we want to be in each other's lives more than we want to be in anyone else's. We don't know what adventures are coming but I want her to be along for mine and I want to be along for hers and we want adventures that are uniquely ours. I could write a book on what it might mean to me to be in love but that's not what I mean to do here. What I'm saying is that love is not the only thing worth living for. You shouldn't end it all if you don't have nor should you spend your existence searching for a perfect soul mate. It'll happen or it won't and that you can't do much about except to be yourself in a relationship.
Friendship is similar in that way. You'd think that all the friends you make in your life are always gonna be there for you no matter what based on a damned Disney movie. You remember that time we all went searching for some great treasure and all we found was the true meaning of friendship and how we've hung out everyday for the rest of our lives? That never happened. Even people that do have a wonderful experience together in real life don't stay in contact. I went to Costa Rica and had a blast with people I've known for years, I quit talkin' to 'em as soon as we got back. They were never really my circle of friends and at least one was a jackass. People grow up and turn into different people. Some mature and have kids and get office jobs while others get stoned all the time and pay their light bill every couple of months and live off of welfare. A lot of us fall somewhere in the middle. The two don't always mix well and life gets busy and you move away and shit happens. Friends are not the only thing that a person can live for either. They can't make you happy and somedays you can't get a person to go to lunch with you no matter how many you call and it's not 'cause nobody likes you it's 'cause shit happens. Yeah, if I could eat and not get fat and had time and money, I'd have 30 different lunch dates everyday with people I don't even know because it might be fun but I've gotta work and I will get fat.
Destiny to me is just as stupid as the idea of God. If I never make it as a writer, it's my own fault. I'm a bit lazy and could do more than I do now but I don't. I know I need to. I feel the urge to and I will. I'm working on it, right now actually. If I make it as a writer then that is because I made the choices that advanced my career. What I will be and what I will do is not up to some destiny written in the stars. Just like it isn't a bums destiny to be a bum. He made some bad choices and missed some opportunities. That's his life but no one sentenced him, before he was ever born, to be poor and out on the street. Things happen and if you aren't careful bad things can happen to you. Bad things will happen to you as they do to everyone but there are things you can avoid. Don't touch that fire if you don't want to get burned. Don't stick up for yourself if you want to get run all over. Don't study if you want to be as dumb as a bump on a log. You make your own damn destiny good or bad it's on you.
So, just what the hell is left to live for if there is no God, and destiny didn't write you in a special part in history, friends may drop off of the face of the planet, and love that fickle bitch may just screw you over?
It may just be those few breathes of fresh air that make you appreciate bein' alive. Like that moment when you are happy and proud of what you've done. Or when you create something beautiful like a poem or a painting or a song that people actually wanna hear. Or the feeling you get when you conquer your own fear of heights. When you stand up to the bully that has been pickin' on you all semester. Getting a date with the person of your dreams. Whatever you do with your life it had better mean somethin' to you. There's no sense in playin' it safe and savin' money and eating healthy if there is no spice in your life. If you do everything as expected and without humor or music or love or your own personal flare why are you doing it at all? Go out and be your own personal rock star. Have a conversation with strangers in a coffee shop and make friends. Tell jokes. Make love. Try new things. Read books. Watch movies. Eat ice cream. Go running. Go play. Go to concerts. One thing alone will never do to make a life complete or happy, not the bible, not a drug, not a lover. You gotta live life to appreciate it. Find an adventure in every day.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Heirs to the Throne
Hope you guys had a happy Easter. Mine was good. Spent time with the family and goin' back and forth to Austin. Always a good time in Austin.
Last night I went to see a movie with one of my brothers. It was good I thought. It had a strong plot and the symbolism and family issues were definately there in the subtext. Not enough action for my brother but it was plenty for me.
It was nice to spend time with this brother that I see rarely. We got to talkin' about some serious issues. He was right about a lot of things.
I have known all of my life that I have been very fortunate to have my father. He has always been willing to help me any way he can. My mother, despite being less pleasant, has always been there for me as well. They have given me an advantage over lots of people by just being around and staying together. It has made things easy on me.
I currently work for the family business in an economy where I might otherwise be unemployed. I was able to finish highschool and graduate with my diploma. Of my six other siblings only one of my sisters has a diploma. A few others got a GED and the rest never finished school. These days that can make life hard on a person. I was lucky enough to get some college in as well. I even got my associate's degree. I have never had to spend a night in jail and my record is clean.
My siblings haven't always had the easiest time of things. There have been money problems, substance abuse, emotional problems and jail time. A lot of these can be traced bak to the difficulties their mothers and our father had. Dad's been married a few times and has a very conservative view of women. He's distrusting of them. That's been his experience with many women, they crew him over, sleep with other men, can't be trusted. It's likely that that's been their experience with him as well. So, like a lot of relationships, there's been a lot of hurt and nasty things said in anger. Dad's not one to apologize and I doubt his past wives are ready to dish one out either.
All this drama has created a big divide in these siblings of mine. Some of us are very close, others have grudges, others feel left out. It's not fair to everyone. I love my siblings. There are some I hardly know at all and that's a shame. Brothers and sisters should be the best friends we have in life. It hasn't been that way and our parents and their drama are partially to blame. The other half of the blame falls on us for letting that drama continue on for another generation.
Instead of calling up my brothers to meet me for a beer I sit at home. I don't think to invite them along on a trip out of town or to a special dinner or bowling. I don't do that for anyone really. But if we want this family to succeed and be close we have to make that effort to make each other feel wanted. We have to let grudges go and take responsibility for our parts in what has happened. I've been a jerk plenty to lots of people and not just my family. I think my family is the one group I've spent the least amount of time apologizing to.
I'm the youngest of seven children. I am not close with all seven and I have let them all down at some point or another. I'm sorry for all of that. I'm sorry if our family has had differences that pushed anyone away. I want to hep you through hard times and celebrate good times with you. I'm sorry if you feel I've been treated better than you. I know I've been treated very well. I'm glad for that but sorry that I feel I don't deserve it. I will try to be a better brother to all of you.
If you feel our father isn't good man, I assure you he is. All of his flaws and faults and failures, he's still the best man I know. He is a king in my eyes. We are all lucky to be his children. However, I know he has those same faults and flaws and he still has failed us at times. He is just a man like any of us. He has a lifetime of experience that has strengthened portions of him and damaged others. He is not perfect. He was a long way from perfect when he was young and with age he has closed the gap significantly.
We are the heirs to the throne. What will we do with that? Are we going to do our best to be our best to our friends and family? Or will we let bitterness and disappointment keep us down? We don't have to be our father or our mothers. We just have to do the best we can. We have to be someone we and our children can be proud of. We have to give those kids a kingdom worth inheriting.
Last night I went to see a movie with one of my brothers. It was good I thought. It had a strong plot and the symbolism and family issues were definately there in the subtext. Not enough action for my brother but it was plenty for me.
It was nice to spend time with this brother that I see rarely. We got to talkin' about some serious issues. He was right about a lot of things.
I have known all of my life that I have been very fortunate to have my father. He has always been willing to help me any way he can. My mother, despite being less pleasant, has always been there for me as well. They have given me an advantage over lots of people by just being around and staying together. It has made things easy on me.
I currently work for the family business in an economy where I might otherwise be unemployed. I was able to finish highschool and graduate with my diploma. Of my six other siblings only one of my sisters has a diploma. A few others got a GED and the rest never finished school. These days that can make life hard on a person. I was lucky enough to get some college in as well. I even got my associate's degree. I have never had to spend a night in jail and my record is clean.
My siblings haven't always had the easiest time of things. There have been money problems, substance abuse, emotional problems and jail time. A lot of these can be traced bak to the difficulties their mothers and our father had. Dad's been married a few times and has a very conservative view of women. He's distrusting of them. That's been his experience with many women, they crew him over, sleep with other men, can't be trusted. It's likely that that's been their experience with him as well. So, like a lot of relationships, there's been a lot of hurt and nasty things said in anger. Dad's not one to apologize and I doubt his past wives are ready to dish one out either.
All this drama has created a big divide in these siblings of mine. Some of us are very close, others have grudges, others feel left out. It's not fair to everyone. I love my siblings. There are some I hardly know at all and that's a shame. Brothers and sisters should be the best friends we have in life. It hasn't been that way and our parents and their drama are partially to blame. The other half of the blame falls on us for letting that drama continue on for another generation.
Instead of calling up my brothers to meet me for a beer I sit at home. I don't think to invite them along on a trip out of town or to a special dinner or bowling. I don't do that for anyone really. But if we want this family to succeed and be close we have to make that effort to make each other feel wanted. We have to let grudges go and take responsibility for our parts in what has happened. I've been a jerk plenty to lots of people and not just my family. I think my family is the one group I've spent the least amount of time apologizing to.
I'm the youngest of seven children. I am not close with all seven and I have let them all down at some point or another. I'm sorry for all of that. I'm sorry if our family has had differences that pushed anyone away. I want to hep you through hard times and celebrate good times with you. I'm sorry if you feel I've been treated better than you. I know I've been treated very well. I'm glad for that but sorry that I feel I don't deserve it. I will try to be a better brother to all of you.
If you feel our father isn't good man, I assure you he is. All of his flaws and faults and failures, he's still the best man I know. He is a king in my eyes. We are all lucky to be his children. However, I know he has those same faults and flaws and he still has failed us at times. He is just a man like any of us. He has a lifetime of experience that has strengthened portions of him and damaged others. He is not perfect. He was a long way from perfect when he was young and with age he has closed the gap significantly.
We are the heirs to the throne. What will we do with that? Are we going to do our best to be our best to our friends and family? Or will we let bitterness and disappointment keep us down? We don't have to be our father or our mothers. We just have to do the best we can. We have to be someone we and our children can be proud of. We have to give those kids a kingdom worth inheriting.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Excelsior
I'm sure you've seen the Kony 2012 video by now. It's just one of quite a few problems I've seen in the last few weeks that I feel need to be addressed. We as a people, a nation, and a world seem to be heading in reverse to a less tolerant less intelligent world. I don't think anyone planned it that way. People are so emotional about some subjects and lazy about others that it makes for a nice blend of ignorance and hate.
Kony is a killer, undoubtedly. However, he is not unique. Saddam Hussein, Kim Jong Il, Osama Bin Laden, Joseph Stalin, The Ottoman Empire, The settlement of the America and eradication of the natives, and countless other occassions and people that we may not even be fully aware of. People got it in their head that Kony is something special. That this kind of thing doesn't happen everyday. So, when a page shows up on facebook and all they have to do is click "like" it makes this person so easy to hate, so easy to "fight". But there really is so much more to be done.
All this week I've read countless articles about all the hoops women may have to jump through to live a life that's only half decent. If a woman gets put on birth control, which is the responsible thing to do if you don't want to live in the middle of a crowd or to have a baby, some group of judgemental people will call her a slut. If she's not on birth control she runs the risk of becoming pregnant, not because she's a slut but because people only need to have one sexual encounter to become pregnant. We've got sixty year old millionaires making decisions for women of all shapes, color, and financial statuses. A lot of these men can't get along with their own wives, let alone their mistresses. How can they understand a woman well enough to make such huge life altering decisions? There are so many of those same men that seem to think The Bible is the beginning and end of all arguments. They use that book to decide that women shouldn't have abortions ever and they should be modest and celibate and submissive to men.
If your wife is not your equal how can you expect you daughter to be all that she can or your son to respect women at all? There was a time when religions had absolute and unquestioned control and you know what people did? They took their sons to mountain tops to kill them, oppressed minorities, started wars, and sacrificed animals. Religion is an archaic device holding us back from being a smarter society. We seem to like sticking with what we know. We know oppression so we hold on to it. We know being poor so we become comfortable with it. We know gasoline so we profit from it while destroying our planet.
Gas prices are going up, as they do every summer, and it's Obama's fault. I'm sure supply and demand, all the costs to turn oil into gas, coporate greed, the costs to get gas from one place to another have nothing to do with it. That's sarcasm. What I'm actually sure of is that politics has an influence on the economy in general but to pin the high cost of fuel all on one man is nothing short of ridiculous. And have you heard about the new bumper stickers? "Don't Re-nig"the slogan for anti-Obama bumper stickers that make reference to the infamous n-word. That's pretty obscene. Dislike a man for his politics or ideas but never the color of his skin.
Arizona still seems to be making its presence known as a land of intolerance as people there are attempting to get rid of ethnic studies courses. As long as there are people of different colors I feel there will always be a misunderstanding between so called "races". I don't even like that term. "What race are you?", as if color could separate you from the human race. A car is a car whether it's blue, red, or whatever. I don't understand how it can be 2012 and this is still an issue.
There's so much work to be done to make this world a better place. It all starts with education. Read everything you can, think for yourself, stand up for what you believe in. We need to be moving onward to bigger and better things. Excelsior!
Kony is a killer, undoubtedly. However, he is not unique. Saddam Hussein, Kim Jong Il, Osama Bin Laden, Joseph Stalin, The Ottoman Empire, The settlement of the America and eradication of the natives, and countless other occassions and people that we may not even be fully aware of. People got it in their head that Kony is something special. That this kind of thing doesn't happen everyday. So, when a page shows up on facebook and all they have to do is click "like" it makes this person so easy to hate, so easy to "fight". But there really is so much more to be done.
All this week I've read countless articles about all the hoops women may have to jump through to live a life that's only half decent. If a woman gets put on birth control, which is the responsible thing to do if you don't want to live in the middle of a crowd or to have a baby, some group of judgemental people will call her a slut. If she's not on birth control she runs the risk of becoming pregnant, not because she's a slut but because people only need to have one sexual encounter to become pregnant. We've got sixty year old millionaires making decisions for women of all shapes, color, and financial statuses. A lot of these men can't get along with their own wives, let alone their mistresses. How can they understand a woman well enough to make such huge life altering decisions? There are so many of those same men that seem to think The Bible is the beginning and end of all arguments. They use that book to decide that women shouldn't have abortions ever and they should be modest and celibate and submissive to men.
If your wife is not your equal how can you expect you daughter to be all that she can or your son to respect women at all? There was a time when religions had absolute and unquestioned control and you know what people did? They took their sons to mountain tops to kill them, oppressed minorities, started wars, and sacrificed animals. Religion is an archaic device holding us back from being a smarter society. We seem to like sticking with what we know. We know oppression so we hold on to it. We know being poor so we become comfortable with it. We know gasoline so we profit from it while destroying our planet.
Gas prices are going up, as they do every summer, and it's Obama's fault. I'm sure supply and demand, all the costs to turn oil into gas, coporate greed, the costs to get gas from one place to another have nothing to do with it. That's sarcasm. What I'm actually sure of is that politics has an influence on the economy in general but to pin the high cost of fuel all on one man is nothing short of ridiculous. And have you heard about the new bumper stickers? "Don't Re-nig"the slogan for anti-Obama bumper stickers that make reference to the infamous n-word. That's pretty obscene. Dislike a man for his politics or ideas but never the color of his skin.
Arizona still seems to be making its presence known as a land of intolerance as people there are attempting to get rid of ethnic studies courses. As long as there are people of different colors I feel there will always be a misunderstanding between so called "races". I don't even like that term. "What race are you?", as if color could separate you from the human race. A car is a car whether it's blue, red, or whatever. I don't understand how it can be 2012 and this is still an issue.
There's so much work to be done to make this world a better place. It all starts with education. Read everything you can, think for yourself, stand up for what you believe in. We need to be moving onward to bigger and better things. Excelsior!
Thursday, March 8, 2012
The Carpenter and The Artist
There once were two brothers, twins, both good boys and both quite funny.
They had loving parents that worked hard to have enough money.
Father was strong and manly, Mother was soft and loving.
The boys grew up very well despite some minor pushing and shoving.
They often didn't see eye to eye but learned soon they didn't have to.
They still looked out for each other like brothers should do.
When the boys were men they went their separate ways.
To keep in touch, they wrote each other about their days.
One brother went on to be a carpenter and found his way to God.
The other brother became an artist and found religion to be quite odd.
The carpenter's family went to church to hear about the good book.
The artist took his kids to museums to give the art a long look.
When the brothers were old and aged they found themselves ill.
It was feared this disease they had might actually kill.
The carpenter sought his protection from the lord up above.
His friends and family gathered in prayer and displayed their love.
The artist came to see his brother and request he seek medical help.
The carpenter had a strong belief God would only do with his life as He felt.
Even though after a long fight the carpenter finally did pass,
No one was sad, they knew the lord had called him at last.
Now the artist wasn't one to leave things to God but instead to a man.
He took himself to the local doc and asked him to do all he can.
It wasn't easy, the treatments were rough, but the artist pulled through.
He didn't thank God, He thanked the doctor and his skills so true.
"Blasphemy!" cried his brother's most conservative friends.
"Credit given where credit is due." said the brother with a liberal sense.
The artist's views were not the carpenter's. Twins they were but never the same man.
They loved each other and did things their own way, the way two brothers can.
There's no one way, nor will there ever be, to live this life.
We can only respect each other's will and cause no man any strife.
They had loving parents that worked hard to have enough money.
Father was strong and manly, Mother was soft and loving.
The boys grew up very well despite some minor pushing and shoving.
They often didn't see eye to eye but learned soon they didn't have to.
They still looked out for each other like brothers should do.
When the boys were men they went their separate ways.
To keep in touch, they wrote each other about their days.
One brother went on to be a carpenter and found his way to God.
The other brother became an artist and found religion to be quite odd.
The carpenter's family went to church to hear about the good book.
The artist took his kids to museums to give the art a long look.
When the brothers were old and aged they found themselves ill.
It was feared this disease they had might actually kill.
The carpenter sought his protection from the lord up above.
His friends and family gathered in prayer and displayed their love.
The artist came to see his brother and request he seek medical help.
The carpenter had a strong belief God would only do with his life as He felt.
Even though after a long fight the carpenter finally did pass,
No one was sad, they knew the lord had called him at last.
Now the artist wasn't one to leave things to God but instead to a man.
He took himself to the local doc and asked him to do all he can.
It wasn't easy, the treatments were rough, but the artist pulled through.
He didn't thank God, He thanked the doctor and his skills so true.
"Blasphemy!" cried his brother's most conservative friends.
"Credit given where credit is due." said the brother with a liberal sense.
The artist's views were not the carpenter's. Twins they were but never the same man.
They loved each other and did things their own way, the way two brothers can.
There's no one way, nor will there ever be, to live this life.
We can only respect each other's will and cause no man any strife.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Against All Odds
Today's the day. Don't punk out. It took a lot to get me to this point but I have to do it today. Don't punk out. No chickening out. I can't chicken out. I have to do this. Don't punk out.
Yeah, I have to go and make a fool in front of the most perfect person in the world and what do I have to offer?
I'm chubby. Yeah, chubby. Two-thirds of this country is overweight and among them, in all that chunkiness, I can't hide it. No sucking in my belly to look good. Not quite thin enough for that to work. It sucks. I love food. I can't help it. Milkshakes bring this kid to the yard. I wheeze a little when I get there though. I try working out once in a while. It hasn't really worked out for me. It's a lot easier to find a Coke and a sandwich than it is to find an interest in running or eating celery.
I'm nerdy. It's not enough that I love, love, love comics but somehow I'm also the most socially awkward kid in the ninth grade. You ever think to yourself and your like, having a conversation with yourself and then all of a sudden what you were thinking becomes an audible word that makes no sense. "Guggenheim." No reason for it. Just blurted it out in math class once. Everybody laughed. Everyday it happens with different words. Also, I dig video games. That's pretty typical for a kid my age but I get a little obsessive with it. There are a few people that threaten my life online each night after I hand them a nice butt whipping. I killed more zombie's and monsters than Dahmer, Gacy, and Voldemort killed people. And wizards.
You would think a kid this nerdy would be like ridiculously super smart too, right? Nopers. I'm not a dumb-ass but it's been a long time since I've seen an 'A' on my report card. I'm not really that great at paying attention. I get lost in my train of thought sometimes and when, well, when I'm doing anything mostly.
Okay, all those qualities make me a big winner, right? Yeah...thought so. Frowny face. I like to think I'm pretty funny though. Grandpa thought I was. He and I used to trade jokes all the time. He died three weeks ago. He had cancer. A few days before he died, he and I were talking in his hospital room.
"You gotta be who you are kiddo. Do what you wanna do. Love who you wanna love. Don't let anybody tell you who you are." He told me, "I loved you're grandmother more than anything in the world."
"In the early days, they told her I was all wrong for her. I was poor, mean, and had a family with a bad reputation. She took a chance with me. For that, I made good on my promises to her. I never strayed. I worked hard to give her what she left behind to be with me. I loved her more than any man ever loved a woman. She saw me and knew what I really was. I wasn't a bad man, I'd just been rough treated. She softened me up. She took a chance. I think when it comes to love you can't be afraid to take a chance. Play it smart but if you see somethin' special, take a chance and love whoever the hell you find worthy. No matter what anybody says."
I hugged him. He kissed my forehead and told me he loved me. His breathing weaker than I had ever known. Three days later, he died in surgery. That was the last day I'd seen him alive.
So, today, I take a chance. Today, I knock on the door of the most perfect person in all the world and I hope Chris sees something special in me. I knock and she answers the door. Golden hair shimmering in the sunlight. Blue eyes as beautiful as the clear waters surrounding a tropical island. Her skin wraps her body in silk. She's tall and thin. Everything a man could want. She gets straight A's. Her father is a doctor. Her mother is a lawyer. They are generous and kind to those around them.
I know this because she is kind and nice to me. In our English class, we talk a lot. She thinks I'm funny. She's never called me fat or stupid. She's even played video games with me. She looks at me in a way that makes me wonder sometimes if she's interested in me. Sometimes the things she says make me wonder too. That's why I'm here. Poor, chubby, all wrong for her but maybe I've got a chance.
"Hey, Sam." She says smiling.
In a daze, I pour my heart out. I tell her I think she's beautiful, great in every way, and that I want to be with her. I tell her I hope there's a chance that somehow she can find it in her heart to return my feelings. I hand her the flowers I bought for her. I wipe the sweat from my palms on my pants. I feel ready to pass out. My knees are weak. They want to buckle.
She seems shocked for a moment. She stammers. She laughs and then apologizes. She rejects me. "I don't feel that way about you." She says, "I don't feel that way about any girl."
I don't think that's true. I explain why I thought I had a shot. I explain about the way she would lay her head on my shoulder when we watched a movie. I remind her of the way she looks at me. I remind her of her "secret crushes" on different girls in our school. There were a lot of reasons I thought she might feel the same way.
I think the "secret crushes" struck a nerve. She looked surprised. She shoved me away from the door and slammed it in my face. "Christina!" I shouted. I heard her lock the door and run upstairs. I left.
I went to a quiet patch of woods behind my house. There was a tree I like to hang out in sometimes. I smoke there when I'm feeling especially like a reject. Today wound up being one of those days.
I don't know why I can't be like other girls my own age. I like some girly stuff. I like pink. I played with dolls growing up. I don't really like dresses. I don't like boys. I never really have. I tried to make it work before. I kissed a boy and hated it. I pushed through. He tried to get me to give him head. I almost threw up. Life's too short to suck a dick if you don't have to.
I just want to be me and be accepted that way. I'm not crazy. There's no pill I can take that will make me like boys. If I'm forced to be with a boy we'll both end up miserable. I have to be who I am. There's no way around it.
I hear some branches breaking and I see a girl about my age walking through the trees. She spots me hanging out in my tree. "Hey." She says.
"Hey." I say, "I'm Sam."
She smiles, "I'm Jackie."
Jackie just moved into the new neighborhood being built behind the woods. We smoke together and talk for hours. Her dad is an author. Her mom is a Veterinarian. She's funny, reads comics, makes mostly A's, and has mole on her neck she's very self conscious about. Turns out she digs girls too. In particular, this one.
Yeah, I have to go and make a fool in front of the most perfect person in the world and what do I have to offer?
I'm chubby. Yeah, chubby. Two-thirds of this country is overweight and among them, in all that chunkiness, I can't hide it. No sucking in my belly to look good. Not quite thin enough for that to work. It sucks. I love food. I can't help it. Milkshakes bring this kid to the yard. I wheeze a little when I get there though. I try working out once in a while. It hasn't really worked out for me. It's a lot easier to find a Coke and a sandwich than it is to find an interest in running or eating celery.
I'm nerdy. It's not enough that I love, love, love comics but somehow I'm also the most socially awkward kid in the ninth grade. You ever think to yourself and your like, having a conversation with yourself and then all of a sudden what you were thinking becomes an audible word that makes no sense. "Guggenheim." No reason for it. Just blurted it out in math class once. Everybody laughed. Everyday it happens with different words. Also, I dig video games. That's pretty typical for a kid my age but I get a little obsessive with it. There are a few people that threaten my life online each night after I hand them a nice butt whipping. I killed more zombie's and monsters than Dahmer, Gacy, and Voldemort killed people. And wizards.
You would think a kid this nerdy would be like ridiculously super smart too, right? Nopers. I'm not a dumb-ass but it's been a long time since I've seen an 'A' on my report card. I'm not really that great at paying attention. I get lost in my train of thought sometimes and when, well, when I'm doing anything mostly.
Okay, all those qualities make me a big winner, right? Yeah...thought so. Frowny face. I like to think I'm pretty funny though. Grandpa thought I was. He and I used to trade jokes all the time. He died three weeks ago. He had cancer. A few days before he died, he and I were talking in his hospital room.
"You gotta be who you are kiddo. Do what you wanna do. Love who you wanna love. Don't let anybody tell you who you are." He told me, "I loved you're grandmother more than anything in the world."
"In the early days, they told her I was all wrong for her. I was poor, mean, and had a family with a bad reputation. She took a chance with me. For that, I made good on my promises to her. I never strayed. I worked hard to give her what she left behind to be with me. I loved her more than any man ever loved a woman. She saw me and knew what I really was. I wasn't a bad man, I'd just been rough treated. She softened me up. She took a chance. I think when it comes to love you can't be afraid to take a chance. Play it smart but if you see somethin' special, take a chance and love whoever the hell you find worthy. No matter what anybody says."
I hugged him. He kissed my forehead and told me he loved me. His breathing weaker than I had ever known. Three days later, he died in surgery. That was the last day I'd seen him alive.
So, today, I take a chance. Today, I knock on the door of the most perfect person in all the world and I hope Chris sees something special in me. I knock and she answers the door. Golden hair shimmering in the sunlight. Blue eyes as beautiful as the clear waters surrounding a tropical island. Her skin wraps her body in silk. She's tall and thin. Everything a man could want. She gets straight A's. Her father is a doctor. Her mother is a lawyer. They are generous and kind to those around them.
I know this because she is kind and nice to me. In our English class, we talk a lot. She thinks I'm funny. She's never called me fat or stupid. She's even played video games with me. She looks at me in a way that makes me wonder sometimes if she's interested in me. Sometimes the things she says make me wonder too. That's why I'm here. Poor, chubby, all wrong for her but maybe I've got a chance.
"Hey, Sam." She says smiling.
In a daze, I pour my heart out. I tell her I think she's beautiful, great in every way, and that I want to be with her. I tell her I hope there's a chance that somehow she can find it in her heart to return my feelings. I hand her the flowers I bought for her. I wipe the sweat from my palms on my pants. I feel ready to pass out. My knees are weak. They want to buckle.
She seems shocked for a moment. She stammers. She laughs and then apologizes. She rejects me. "I don't feel that way about you." She says, "I don't feel that way about any girl."
I don't think that's true. I explain why I thought I had a shot. I explain about the way she would lay her head on my shoulder when we watched a movie. I remind her of the way she looks at me. I remind her of her "secret crushes" on different girls in our school. There were a lot of reasons I thought she might feel the same way.
I think the "secret crushes" struck a nerve. She looked surprised. She shoved me away from the door and slammed it in my face. "Christina!" I shouted. I heard her lock the door and run upstairs. I left.
I went to a quiet patch of woods behind my house. There was a tree I like to hang out in sometimes. I smoke there when I'm feeling especially like a reject. Today wound up being one of those days.
I don't know why I can't be like other girls my own age. I like some girly stuff. I like pink. I played with dolls growing up. I don't really like dresses. I don't like boys. I never really have. I tried to make it work before. I kissed a boy and hated it. I pushed through. He tried to get me to give him head. I almost threw up. Life's too short to suck a dick if you don't have to.
I just want to be me and be accepted that way. I'm not crazy. There's no pill I can take that will make me like boys. If I'm forced to be with a boy we'll both end up miserable. I have to be who I am. There's no way around it.
I hear some branches breaking and I see a girl about my age walking through the trees. She spots me hanging out in my tree. "Hey." She says.
"Hey." I say, "I'm Sam."
She smiles, "I'm Jackie."
Jackie just moved into the new neighborhood being built behind the woods. We smoke together and talk for hours. Her dad is an author. Her mom is a Veterinarian. She's funny, reads comics, makes mostly A's, and has mole on her neck she's very self conscious about. Turns out she digs girls too. In particular, this one.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Adamantium
Another year gone by. Today's the third. Come the twenty-first I'll be twenty-eight.
I'm getting fatter. My back hurts pretty constantly now. I'm still broke. I'm still unpublished. I've been lazy and tired for a while. Too long. All I want to do is quit. I wanna just lay down, settle for being a terrible plumber and run Dad's business, marry my sweetheart and start having kids like everybody else. I want to settle for what's easy. I want to be done pushing and trying. I want to do that because part of me thinks nothing better will ever happen. That part is weak and frail. It thinks the rest of me is like that.
So you know what that means I have to do right?
Of course you do. It's plain to see. That part of me that wants to quit is tiny, insignificant. Like a whiny child it sits in my way looking to pout and cry its way nowhere. I do not let the child convert me. I dig my feet down. I draw strength from the world around me. I push harder than I've pushed in a long time. I get one thing right. I get another right. I eat healthier. I work out more. I write more. I look for an agent. I look for a publisher. I work harder. I try harder. I become more responsible. I save more. I become like steel. I become like adamantium. I become unbreakable. I do what has to be done. The whiny child bends to my adamantium. He becomes the unbreakable metal along with me. I will go so far, so fast, that like the winds of a hurricane I will drag those around me along for the ride.
There's no time to settle for anything less than the best that I can do. There's no point in such a thing. Why bother existing if I will settle for "never quite tried hard enough"? If I were a sword, I should belong to the greatest swordsman, I should be as sharp as possible at all times, I should be clean and well maintained. I should not fall into disrepair nor should I remain unused.
I am a writer. I write words to tell stories, to bring about emotions, to encourage, to warn, to create. I have a talent for it. I have a talent that can make me more powerful than any weapon. I can influence the hearts and minds of anyone that can read or listen to my words. I can make someone feel like they are royalty or I can make them cower under their own fears. I can make someone love or hate me. I can be a very powerful man if I can reach the right audience.
I am very lucky to have this talent. Everyday I use it, it only grows stronger. I must not squander this ability. I can not use it to write instructions for electronics. I have to encourage love, truth, and happiness. I must be at my best. There is no room for anything less.
You have your talents. You must use them in the same way. Never give up on yourself. Find your talents and use them as best you can. Use them in a way that gives your life meaning to you. We only have a certain number of breaths to take. Use them as wisely as you can. Never stop learning. Never stop trying.
It's not easy. Don't fool yourself thinking it will be. It's hard. It might be expensive. You may need help. If you plan accordingly and make the sacrifices you need to make and never sacrifice the things that truly matter like honor and true love you will be in a better place soon enough.
I'm getting fatter. My back hurts pretty constantly now. I'm still broke. I'm still unpublished. I've been lazy and tired for a while. Too long. All I want to do is quit. I wanna just lay down, settle for being a terrible plumber and run Dad's business, marry my sweetheart and start having kids like everybody else. I want to settle for what's easy. I want to be done pushing and trying. I want to do that because part of me thinks nothing better will ever happen. That part is weak and frail. It thinks the rest of me is like that.
So you know what that means I have to do right?
Of course you do. It's plain to see. That part of me that wants to quit is tiny, insignificant. Like a whiny child it sits in my way looking to pout and cry its way nowhere. I do not let the child convert me. I dig my feet down. I draw strength from the world around me. I push harder than I've pushed in a long time. I get one thing right. I get another right. I eat healthier. I work out more. I write more. I look for an agent. I look for a publisher. I work harder. I try harder. I become more responsible. I save more. I become like steel. I become like adamantium. I become unbreakable. I do what has to be done. The whiny child bends to my adamantium. He becomes the unbreakable metal along with me. I will go so far, so fast, that like the winds of a hurricane I will drag those around me along for the ride.
There's no time to settle for anything less than the best that I can do. There's no point in such a thing. Why bother existing if I will settle for "never quite tried hard enough"? If I were a sword, I should belong to the greatest swordsman, I should be as sharp as possible at all times, I should be clean and well maintained. I should not fall into disrepair nor should I remain unused.
I am a writer. I write words to tell stories, to bring about emotions, to encourage, to warn, to create. I have a talent for it. I have a talent that can make me more powerful than any weapon. I can influence the hearts and minds of anyone that can read or listen to my words. I can make someone feel like they are royalty or I can make them cower under their own fears. I can make someone love or hate me. I can be a very powerful man if I can reach the right audience.
I am very lucky to have this talent. Everyday I use it, it only grows stronger. I must not squander this ability. I can not use it to write instructions for electronics. I have to encourage love, truth, and happiness. I must be at my best. There is no room for anything less.
You have your talents. You must use them in the same way. Never give up on yourself. Find your talents and use them as best you can. Use them in a way that gives your life meaning to you. We only have a certain number of breaths to take. Use them as wisely as you can. Never stop learning. Never stop trying.
It's not easy. Don't fool yourself thinking it will be. It's hard. It might be expensive. You may need help. If you plan accordingly and make the sacrifices you need to make and never sacrifice the things that truly matter like honor and true love you will be in a better place soon enough.
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